Suicide

Death by semi. Apparently you can research it.  Learn all about it.  Do it.  Nothing like online lessons in how to kill yourself.  The thing is that I can understand the darkness that can consume.  I have heard those taunting voices.  I KNOW how it feels.  Not for a long time now, but I will NEVER forget.  I have experienced the hopelessness.  The wanting to quit being a burden or at fault.  The sense of constant darkness pulling.  HOWEVER.  Yes, I am shouting it....HOWEVER....if a person should choose to end her life, why would she want to make one more person suffer?  Why make someone on the outside responsible for her death for the rest of his life?  It happened this week at the end of my street.  Death by semi.  She researched it.  She was out of the mental hospital for the holidays.  She stepped in front of the semi at the last minute.  She could have lived.  It's only a block before a traffic light on a state highway.  Traffic is slowing down by then.  But, she didn't.  And, her family.  Her friends.  Her caregivers.  Everyone is suffering.  They cared about her.  But, now she has drawn in a trucking company, the driver and his family.  How will that driver continue with his career?  How will he heal?  What can possibly take away the trauma of ending someone's life by accident?  No fault of his.  Yet, still all of the pain.
I'm sorry, but on my worst day, I wouldn't have killed myself in anyway that ruined more people's lives.  As if that's possible, I know.  I get that she probably felt her family would be "better off".  But, to pull outsiders in is simply a selfish act on top of a selfish act.
I am sad for her.  For her family.  For those who dearly loved her.  Who tried to help her.  But, I am also deeply sad for someone who was pulled into the trauma unwittingly.  Who will have his life changed forever.  The thing is.....she was only 22.  So much changes.  Life changes.  We change.  I'm in my forties now.  I've changed so much.  And expect to change just as much before my sixties....and then my eighties.
Sometimes suicide feels like a kind option.  Our thinking gets all messed up.  It just feels like it would be such a relief to have it be over.  And for the person that dies, I guess that's true.  No responsibility.  No more pain. No recriminations.  But for those left to deal with it.......it's cancerous.  They always second guess themselves and wish they had done things differently.  Even if they did everything possible.  And, they have to deal with it in a lonely fashion because people don't know how to talk about it.  Suicide is NOT a good option.  I found my way out of the darkness because a friend came looking for me with a nice bright light.  And didn't try to cheer me up.  Simply loved me.  Told me the truth.  Walked with me.  Heard me.  Made me a tape of her singing silly music.  And for some reason....I chose to believe her.  For that I am thankful.  Mostly because I would rather hurt for ten decades than to hurt my kids for one moment.  I thought that I would be helping them.  What a crock.  Thought my husband would finally be happy.  It wouldn't have helped.  There are other ways "out".  The truth is the best door.  Finding what anger it is that has been turned inward on the self.....a huge cause of depression....and dealing with it.  Truthfully.  In the light.
I can't help this girl.  But I long to tell each of you:  no matter how hard, hear me.....YOU ARE LOVED AND NEEDED.  Even if you don't see it right now.  Vision changes with time and experiences.  It's ok to get out of a situation, but please, don't get out of life.  I'm praying for you.  For a light.  And a person that you decide to believe.
grace to you.