Frugal vs. Stingy

I like being frugal.  Buying groceries that are on sale.  Buying second hand.  Looking for shoes on sale.  Re-using.  Handing down.Finding it beside the road.  Going to garage sales.  Thrift stores.  Auctions.   It's a lot of fun.  It's challenging.  It brings a sense of accomplishment.  The tennies I'm wearing right now, one of my sons wore to run in middle school.  He promptly outgrew them.  My jeans are from the thrift store....as are my t-shirt, undershirt and hoodie.  My hoodie says "life is good."  My jewelry is made out of old bits of jewelry by a creative and talented friend.  I bought my barrette.  And my underwear.  New, I mean.  The car I am sitting in as I write this is 17 years old with over 310,000 miles on it.  The gold on my fingers came from my grandma.  Oh, and on my thumb is a ring that I bought for a dollar to replace my grandpa's wedding ring that I lost.  My dishes were mostly bought second hand.  Much of my furniture too.  And my yard things.  And my piano.  I got my kids new. ;)  What I am trying to say is that I am not extravagant.  Not usually.  But sometimes I like to give extravagantly.  Without a second thought.  Without any guilt.  With glee.  With delight.  Not flambouyantly.  Just happily.
But my husband treats me like I am a spendthrift.  I do get coffee.  Go out to get a burger.  Not every day.  Not even every week.  But, when I do, it's a treat.  I don't want to feel guilty about it.  But he is all about guilt.  And I'm sick of it.  That's how I learned the difference between frugal and stingy.  Frugal comes from caring and from wanting to do what is good.  From wanting to be wise.  But, stingy stems from fear.  From a viewpoint that says that no matter what you will never have saved enough.  Or kept enough.  I used to try to get it.  Used to think that it was a joke.  But, it's not.  He is self centered.  He wants for himself.  He fails to even see what others need.  When he goes through the socks and matches them, he takes ALL of the ski socks and men's athletic socks.  He has three drawers STUFFED full of socks.  For real.  You can barely open them.  He will complain that he hasn't bought new clothes in...however long....he wants me to buy them for him.  I used to.  Until I learned that it's just a way to show that I'm not monetarily conservative.
He will never be happy.  Never allow himself to feel truly blessed or rich.  We are rich as far as most of the world's population.  Not as far as being among the elite in the U.S.  He will say that he is thankful, but his actions and words always show that I'm not doing enough to make "his" money go further.
Makes it hard now that I'm working.  He wants to monitor that money too.  And, in a healthy marriage, it would be good to do that together.  But, in our marriage, I need to have this on my own.  It's so bad that I almost wanted to QUIT getting a paycheck.  He's rahter too tuned into trying to figure out what I am making. What I am doing with it.  If I tell him that I got a kid something, he makes them feel badly.  I just can't win.  Can't make it peaceful.  He leaves no room for grace for anyone else.  No room for kindness.  If someone else has a need, his is always more.  If someone else got something, he should have gotten it.  It wears me out.
I like frugal.  But stingy is hurtful.  So, I will live differently.  I will not allow him to rule and invade my thoughts so much regarding money.  Because it hurts me deep inside.  Even when I don't realize it.  I am going to live joyously.  Happily.  With abundance.  Of joy.  Of peace.  Of grace.  Of wisdom.  Of compassion.  Of generosity.  Of sharing.  Of love.  He does not get to choose for me.  I've made a mistake for way too long of letting him.  My choice was faulty.  But today is a new day.
grace to you.