Alone

I have done so much more all alone than I actually did when I was single.  What I realize now is that doing that wasn't that big of a deal...until he began to criticize and tell me how I was doing it wrong.  I was supposed to do it all.  Live like a single parent.  And yet he was supposed to be the one to get the credit for the good and give grief for the troubles.  Honestly, there were a lot of troubles in the past.  We had an adopted son do things that I never imagined would be a part of my family story.  Ever.  But my husband wasn't strong for the rest of us.  He didn't stand.  He blamed.  Ran.  And then....acted like nothing had happened with our adopted son.  It's a habit. Not healing but faking.
So, alone, I have worked my buns off to teach my kids how to live.  How to relate.  How to be honorable.  How to give of themselves.  How to put the work into their family.  How to make it through the painful things.  And I tried and tried to be that way with my husband.  But he left me a long time ago.  I have lived alone within marriage.  Except for sex.  Which just exacerbated problems.
And today I realized that I'm healing.  But not as a twosome.  All of these years I've tried to get better but I couldn't....because I tied it all to how he was doing.  To how we were doing.  And now I kow that I"m my own person as well and I have to let her heal.  Because without her there is no "us" available.
So, alone in marriage.  But not alone in life.  Not at all.
And in this last week, my life has changed drastically.  Getting stronger by leaps and bounds.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to.  And I can do anything through Jesus.  He walks with me everywhere all of the time.  Yippee!!!
Dancey dancey.  Joy joy.  Peace.  Life IS a blessing.  Each breath.
grace to you