You know, I actually have a very tender heart. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes that is dangerous. Because sometimes I need to be aware and careful to guard my heart...diligently...without fail. There are wolves in sheep's clothing that roam my life. And, if I am foolish and don't guard my heart, I give up what should be mine and God's alone. My respect for myself. My hopes and dreams for the now and for the future. I don't need permission to be the human being that I am. I am responsible to God. Alone. Me. Before Him. And He wants my heart to be cared for. Treasured. Healed.
I keep reading that if I would be patient enough or forgiving enough then everything would get all better. But what I want to know is when? And how? Because I have been patient. I have not kicked him out. Though everything in me says that it's time. And, I have forgiven and am practicing forgiving daily. But not excusing the continued behavior. That's the problem. Everything that I read that's Christian basically says that forgiving is EXCUSING. And......I won't. Not anymore. Did it for too long and it nearly destroyed my life. I'm sure he reads things too. And wonders why I'm not doing what a Christian woman should. Sometimes I absolutely don't understand why he couldn't just have loved me for me. Not for his needs. Not for the fact that someone else might have me. Not because I am his fixer. But because I was actually the one who captured his heart. What a shame that is. What a loss. For him. Because it has affected him with his kids. With his wife. With his homelife. And I CAN'T fix it....not for real. Only help cover it. But that doesn't help. So, I will go forward as I am. Though my heart grows weak and aches with the feeling alone in the world of Christians.
grace to you.
I keep reading that if I would be patient enough or forgiving enough then everything would get all better. But what I want to know is when? And how? Because I have been patient. I have not kicked him out. Though everything in me says that it's time. And, I have forgiven and am practicing forgiving daily. But not excusing the continued behavior. That's the problem. Everything that I read that's Christian basically says that forgiving is EXCUSING. And......I won't. Not anymore. Did it for too long and it nearly destroyed my life. I'm sure he reads things too. And wonders why I'm not doing what a Christian woman should. Sometimes I absolutely don't understand why he couldn't just have loved me for me. Not for his needs. Not for the fact that someone else might have me. Not because I am his fixer. But because I was actually the one who captured his heart. What a shame that is. What a loss. For him. Because it has affected him with his kids. With his wife. With his homelife. And I CAN'T fix it....not for real. Only help cover it. But that doesn't help. So, I will go forward as I am. Though my heart grows weak and aches with the feeling alone in the world of Christians.
grace to you.
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