Value

Words have value to me.  Writing.  Speaking.  Even thoughts.  I love words.  They separate us from other living creatures.  But today I hated words.  This morning I got a note.  A note that had been placed very near me as I slept.  Which truly freaked me out.  And the words made me ill.  I guess that they were kind.  I can't fault the intention.  But the term was used "to win you back"....and I cringed.  Because the bottom line is that it is never about me or helping me or finding how to bring me joy.  But he has to win.  Has to have his way.  Wants to say he's sorry.  I get that.  I appreciate that.  But, how many times can I say that my whole life can't revolve around simply his existence?  Finally, recently, I have thought that I can survive.  Maybe even thrive.  I have felt....dare I say it?  Happiness spring to life.  I have felt lighter and as if I am emerging from a horrible time.  And I know that I'm supposed to be forgiving.  I feel like I have forgiven.  I'm just not willing to do it all over again.  It's painful.  Awfully so.  I want to ask, "sorry for what exactly?"  And, how does it change MY life?  But, I know it's selfish sounding.  It simply always comes down to what he wants and how he wants it.  In every aspect of life.  Timely, since he will be wanting me to accompany him to all of his bible study and men's group and work parties in this holiday season.  Not interested.  At all.  I really need to heal.  Really heal.
grace to you.