Health

There are all kinds of health.  And, often in the pursuit of one, I completely miss others.  But, I am learning much about balance and how my life has to be in balance in order to keep me functioning and truly healthy.  Some people are exercise fiends...yet, their emotions and spiritual lives are a wreck.  Others have "found themselves" and are emotionally empowered but physical and emotional messes.  Yet others are deeply spiritual but are on an emotional disconnect and no physical plan for the here and now.  

I have been through a lot.  More than I ever knew was possible.  And, I celebrate that I have survived.  That I am learning to get healthy.  But, a few weeks ago, I realized that I had given up much more than my emotional health...it had greatly affected my physical health.  And, my physical health has affected both my spiritual and emotional health and there goes the ferris wheel cycle.  So, I'm am making an effort to put the brakes on. To choose how to move forward without being constantly cycled through one part of my life dictating what happens in the other parts.  

And, it took a lot to pray and think and be wise while also allowing myself to feel all of the garbage that has gone on.  Not to rehash it, but to pinpoint the problem areas and begin to change course.  I remember the feelings I had during my entire early marriage...the sense that not all was well.  That there was something there that I couldn't define.  And I remember when he first defined it.  First told me that he was ashamed of me.  That he couldn't be proud of me.  And....that he was correct in feeling so.  

That day changed my life.  The stress increased beyond belief.  Self doubt was ever present.  I went on a spree to "improve my marriage".  Sex.  Nice meals.  Dates.  Whatever it took.  But, I wasn't ok.  The stress from the hurt was eating away at me.  Stress in bad for physical health.  As a matter of fact, with any disease, treatment is much better if the patient is optimistic and happy.  And, stress can open the doors for physical disease.  And depression feeds on physical and emotional trauma.  

I can't unsay what he said to me.  I can't make him feel differently.  He still doesn't.  But, I can choose to spend the rest of my life differently.  I'm probably about halfway through my life.  I want to make the last half count.  I want to be valuable.  I want to be the physically fit, emotionally strong, spiritually confident woman that I know God intended me to be.  

So, I am working on fixing some of the physical things that have happened since that time.  And, while it means that there is actually more discomfort at the moment....I can tell that it's working.  From there, my emotions won't be so constantly battling from the fatigue and pain.  They need to be free to deal with things in the here and now.  Spiritually, I need to stay connected and know that God is not done with me.  And that He has NEVER been ashamed of me.  Ever.  

It's hard to begin with the physical things because for awhile I'm going to feel worse.  But, last night, I realized that I can give myself that time.  That I need to take the time and do it.  To rest a lot.  So that I can get through it and come out on the other side healthier.  Because....I want another 46 years!  Not to spend proving to him that he was wrong and a real jerk.  Though, truthfully, that would be a nice side benefit.  I want to write.  I want to laugh.  I want to travel.  I want to have my little home on the beach.  A fireplace definitely. I want to work and provide for myself.  I want to know who I am for who I am and not for who I'm trying to prove that I'm not.  

But, this physical stuff is kicking my butt. My body is getting rid of a bunch of garbage....physically....and those toxins cause great tiredness.  But, it won't last.  So, I'll rest.  And I'll pray.  And I'll dream.  So that when my body is ready, the rest of me will be strong too.  

Because I have a full life to live.  And a purpose to be here.  But first.....maybe I should get in a nap.

grace to you.