I passed semi trucks on a very windy, snow blowing road for over 300 miles today. I passed over 100. And I was thankful for the courage to do so each time. Thankful to be able to brave something that is scary. But necessary. I kept remembering that the reason that I am a courageous woman is not because I am foolhardy, but because I truly KNOW that I am led by God's hand. I know that He holds on even when I go bumbling off in the wrong direction. He pilots my life. And for that I am thankful. I had confidence in Him. But in order to do something about showing my confidence in Him, I had to show that I had confidence in me....to drive well, to make good decisions. And I do.
I have lost much confidence in my own life these years. And lately I am struggling because I seriously don't know what else to do....if you point blank tell someone what you absolutely need and they totally disregard what you say while saying how much they care for you....it's awkward at best. Painful at worst. This is painful. I can't keep saying the same things over and over. Beating my head on the wall.
I KNOW that I need the time. I don't know what it will look like. It is true that I don't know how long I'll need. It's true that it's not easy. It's true that it will be difficult for everyone. But those facts don't change the fact of what I need. But apparently I'm not supposed to have the choice in his world.
Yet, this week I was with others. And I realized how good people are to me. How they see me. Hear me. How I don't have to fight or feel badly if I feel something. If I have a thought. Or an idea. I realized how easily others forgive me. How they talk to me. Listen to me. How they share who they are. And it blessed me.
And it made it 100 times harder to come back to this.......mess. The non-married life while co-habitating. Oh, yes, we still have paperwork. But we aren't married. He refuses to hear me. Yet he always wants me to hear him. The disparity is too great. I am too raw. I need him to go away. For a time at the moment. But every moment that he fights me on it, it causes me to step another step away. To retreat more completely. Not that I can go much further anymore. I do wish that it could have been different. But now....I just want it to be over. To quit rubbing my heart raw. To let me get better. To breathe. To not shake and shiver and tremble.
A 100 times over I passed those trucks today. And I can do this home thing too. One truck at a time. One decision at a time. One moment at a time. But I'll tell you, I'm needing more than a little break at the moment. I am worn out. I wish that he could understand that if he cared about me then he would actually meet my needs. My genuine heart needs. Without rehashing constantly. Without arguing incessantly about how I'm wrong. I totally might be. But it's still what I need.
grace to you.
I have lost much confidence in my own life these years. And lately I am struggling because I seriously don't know what else to do....if you point blank tell someone what you absolutely need and they totally disregard what you say while saying how much they care for you....it's awkward at best. Painful at worst. This is painful. I can't keep saying the same things over and over. Beating my head on the wall.
I KNOW that I need the time. I don't know what it will look like. It is true that I don't know how long I'll need. It's true that it's not easy. It's true that it will be difficult for everyone. But those facts don't change the fact of what I need. But apparently I'm not supposed to have the choice in his world.
Yet, this week I was with others. And I realized how good people are to me. How they see me. Hear me. How I don't have to fight or feel badly if I feel something. If I have a thought. Or an idea. I realized how easily others forgive me. How they talk to me. Listen to me. How they share who they are. And it blessed me.
And it made it 100 times harder to come back to this.......mess. The non-married life while co-habitating. Oh, yes, we still have paperwork. But we aren't married. He refuses to hear me. Yet he always wants me to hear him. The disparity is too great. I am too raw. I need him to go away. For a time at the moment. But every moment that he fights me on it, it causes me to step another step away. To retreat more completely. Not that I can go much further anymore. I do wish that it could have been different. But now....I just want it to be over. To quit rubbing my heart raw. To let me get better. To breathe. To not shake and shiver and tremble.
A 100 times over I passed those trucks today. And I can do this home thing too. One truck at a time. One decision at a time. One moment at a time. But I'll tell you, I'm needing more than a little break at the moment. I am worn out. I wish that he could understand that if he cared about me then he would actually meet my needs. My genuine heart needs. Without rehashing constantly. Without arguing incessantly about how I'm wrong. I totally might be. But it's still what I need.
grace to you.
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