Joy is my heavenly gift. It's not something that I should feel badly about wanting or expecting in my life. Yet, it is. My husband has a way of making it sound....sinful. Worldly. Wrong. Being happy or finding joy. Not right if it doesn't mesh up with his belief system. But God wants to be my joy. To give me abundant joy. Not just scraping by. This marriage feels like a life sentence, not a union. I feel caged. Trapped. Troubled. Belittled. Uncared for. He does not step up and meet my needs when I express them, he simply tells me how I am wrong for feeling that way. And I feel stupid because I keep thinking that if I say it clearly enough or enough times that it will somehow make a difference. It never has. But, I keep believing in him. In a way that he has never believed in me. How pathetic is it that even at this point I am still waiting for him to "get it"? That I still hope that he'll be able to take his eyes off of himself long enough to see how distraught and troubled I am. It's not going to happen. I have to tell myself that and try to believe it. Because who I am sees what people can be. Who they could become.
I have a plan. And it involves pain and change. I have to let go of my hopes and dreams for him. That's hard. I have never wanted to give up on him. Just wanted to not give up on me either. So, this is a change of mind for me. It's going to have to involve a change in behavior. And it's hard because this part of me is something I like about me. But not in this case. In this case it is bad for me. Dangerous. It has nearly stolen who I am. So.....I'll do something different.
I am brave. I can pass over a hundred semi trucks in a day in high winds. I can face classrooms of unknown children as a substitute. I can walk in the very dark back yard without a flashlight. ;) I am full of all sorts of courage. He doesn't understand where he is pushing me to. But he's not going to like it. He thinks he has me pushed against the wall. Trapped. I've been here many times and I've always chosen him, the marriage, the family unit over my own self preservation. Well....now I choose me. And the kids. And my home. And a life. I choose to get him out of a place in my heart that he doesn't belong. He doesn't belong there though he says it's his right......because he does not keep his part of the oath in cherishing. In loving. In caring. He never has.
I choose joy. This like of constant crap is getting to me. Onward. Serve papers. See what comes next. It can work. I can't keep believing his self serving reasoning. I have to reason for myself. Prayerfully. Wisely. I have to trust myself to follow a good plan. I have to change the habit of being there to "protect" him. I need to protect me. He never reciprocated that protection. He didn't have my back. He just wants me to stay where I am so that I can keep taking the bullets for him. No can do.
Off to a good day.
grace to you.
I have a plan. And it involves pain and change. I have to let go of my hopes and dreams for him. That's hard. I have never wanted to give up on him. Just wanted to not give up on me either. So, this is a change of mind for me. It's going to have to involve a change in behavior. And it's hard because this part of me is something I like about me. But not in this case. In this case it is bad for me. Dangerous. It has nearly stolen who I am. So.....I'll do something different.
I am brave. I can pass over a hundred semi trucks in a day in high winds. I can face classrooms of unknown children as a substitute. I can walk in the very dark back yard without a flashlight. ;) I am full of all sorts of courage. He doesn't understand where he is pushing me to. But he's not going to like it. He thinks he has me pushed against the wall. Trapped. I've been here many times and I've always chosen him, the marriage, the family unit over my own self preservation. Well....now I choose me. And the kids. And my home. And a life. I choose to get him out of a place in my heart that he doesn't belong. He doesn't belong there though he says it's his right......because he does not keep his part of the oath in cherishing. In loving. In caring. He never has.
I choose joy. This like of constant crap is getting to me. Onward. Serve papers. See what comes next. It can work. I can't keep believing his self serving reasoning. I have to reason for myself. Prayerfully. Wisely. I have to trust myself to follow a good plan. I have to change the habit of being there to "protect" him. I need to protect me. He never reciprocated that protection. He didn't have my back. He just wants me to stay where I am so that I can keep taking the bullets for him. No can do.
Off to a good day.
grace to you.
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