Little Things

First....I napped.  Then....I tried to do some normal things.  Picking up.  Laundry.  Dying hair.  But I am not ok.  I mean, I am somewhat functioning.  Nobody else would probably notice.  It is the fact that I can't say it enough times to get through to him what I need.  And it is killing me.  I suspected that this would be true.  And I'm not wanting an all out battle.  But, being me, it's hard to have to say the same thing that I need over and over and over and keep on proving it in some way.  It hurts.  A lot.  It weighs on me.  Wears on me.  I am not walking around wanting to be unkind.  But, he doesn't get that this reality is EXACTLY what is wrong at the base.  He refuses to actually hear me.  To actually let who I am or what I need or want or hope for to actually filter through his own wants and needs.
I get that he needs me.  But he doesn't really want me.  No, he wants what I give him.  Not what he can give me.  It's so complex.  It has taken me years to figure out...I'm not the woman he wants, but  he wants to make me the woman he wants.  But he doesn't want me to be the woman that I am....which I NEED to be.
It makes me absolutely crazy.
Wish he would be able to have that kind of grace towards me.  He can talk "nice" or mean.  Neither way really matters.  The bottom line is always the same.  He is always focused on what he wants.
Wow.  I suspected that he was self centered.  But, now, after it's all laid out and all.....and he won't help me...it makes me know how deep it is.  And......it hurts.
How sad.
grace to you.