Who knows how to make hurting end? Or to stop the causes? Who can choose to stop feeling certain feelings?I don't know how. I don't know who. I know that I walk through my life doing my very best to make it as pleasant for others as possible. Generally. I know that I like to help them to make it through. Ease the load. I know that a smile can change an instant. And I know that being forgotten can critically wound. But sometimes I forget that people don't see this person that I am. They get so caught up in thinking that I'm so strong. So able. So consistent. That they forget that I need help. That I need to be able to count on others. And those are the moments when I wonder how long this hurt will last. Because I know that others can't live in that place with me for a long time. I know that they don't see how very hard it is to get through this day of absolute happiness regarding my daughter's birthday....not because of her birthday, because that is the GREAT part. No, because it's the constant stress to be the one to plan. To be sure she has what she wants. It's all on me. Even though I can "delegate", it ends up back on me because she's my beautiful girl. And today, I am a wreck. Total and complete. And I have a lot still left to do. At least I got the candles. I shoulda just ordered a cake....made life simpler. But somehow, I wanted to make things as normal as possible. And I know that it will all get done. The dinner will be delicious. It will be fine. And nobody in the whole wide world will know what it cost me to make it through today. And that's hard.
I keep saying that I'm on my last rung. But I'm supposed to keep getting back up. My husband simply doesn't get what he takes from me.
I will make sure that tonight is good. I will have a great time. I will focus on the reason to celebrate...my beautiful daughter. But when it is over, what then? I have to place to fall apart. And holding it together incessantly hurts.
Perhaps I'd feel better if I ate more than licorice today. But I just can't do it. Can't do one more thing. But, I have more things to do, so do them I will. Because it's who I am. I adore my family. They brighten my whole soul. They are such a gift. I am so proud of each of my children. For all different reasons. So, I have to be the mom. That's what I signed on for.
Now, I'll make sure the stuff is ready. I'll make sure she has a great day.........because I love her enough to overcome anything else.
I keep saying that I'm on my last rung. But I'm supposed to keep getting back up. My husband simply doesn't get what he takes from me.
I will make sure that tonight is good. I will have a great time. I will focus on the reason to celebrate...my beautiful daughter. But when it is over, what then? I have to place to fall apart. And holding it together incessantly hurts.
Perhaps I'd feel better if I ate more than licorice today. But I just can't do it. Can't do one more thing. But, I have more things to do, so do them I will. Because it's who I am. I adore my family. They brighten my whole soul. They are such a gift. I am so proud of each of my children. For all different reasons. So, I have to be the mom. That's what I signed on for.
Now, I'll make sure the stuff is ready. I'll make sure she has a great day.........because I love her enough to overcome anything else.
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