When Goods Collide

Doing good.  It is important.  It is a life's goal.  For doctor's, it's "do no harm."  It is at the core of my belief system.  Not that it buys favor, but that the One I follow is good and that I should follow in that.  I should serve. I should obey God.  I should obey my government.  I should submit to my husband.  I should put others before myself. My body is a temple.  Love others as myself.   And...actually....I agree.  I hear it all of the time.  But what people DON'T address often enough is what to do when choosing between two goods.  It's always presented as choosing between good or evil.  But sometimes, the huge decisions are made when deciding between two things that are considered good.  Two things that are important.
Right now, I am choosing to love myself.  But I don't want to do it in a self centered manner.  I want to do it with compassion and kindness.  The problem that I am facing is that my husband believes that I should be showing HIM love.  Putting him first.  And...he's absolutely right.  Kinda.  It is true that in marriage putting the other first is huge.  It causes a union.  Not just physical, but mental, spiritual and emotional as well.  We do not have that union.  It has finally come to me.  If I don't put him first then we have no union because that is our vortex.  That is where we cross....in how I have treated him.  And when I finally got to the point years ago where I knew that I "couldn't be like God to him,"  "couldn't keep giving without any input," he began laying on more and more guilt.  But, finally, I see.  My choice to love myself comes not out of selfishness.  My decision to care for myself does not step on my ability to love him.  He did that by choosing not to do the same.  By always putting himself first.  It's imbalanced.  It is destined to fail.  And, the truth is that the only true hope of reconciliation is NOT for me to keep on putting him above myself but in my learning again that I HAVE a self and loving her.  Because I can't love others very fully if I can't love myself.  I can't care for their needs if I'm not caring for my own.  But all he can see is the part where I a supposed to love him and stay with him and give to him and treat him with respect.  And I did give that my best shot.    But he never read his part.  It's like having a play going on where one of the character's parts is simply missing.....the further you get into the play, the less it holds together or makes sense.  And I tried to "cover" for his part.  To believe that my job was to work with what is and to make things work.  But what I'm learning is that it's not my job to hold everything together.  As a matter of fact, it's not even a possibility.  If someone doesn't want to give....willingly, from the heart....then honestly, there's not a relationship.
I have been nearly destroyed.  And even now, as I say what I need, I find no compassion.  I find anger.  I find selfishness.  I find expectations.  No empathy.  No understanding.  Apologies, yes.  But no listening to what I am saying.  And that is wrong.  How did I miss that?  How did I think that it was ok for him to negotiate everything that I would ask?  To always get something in return but never give when he expected me to be the giver.  I have worked around his schedule.  I have watched him add thing after thing after thing without any consideration for anyone else's schedule.  I have seen him blow off looking for another job when his current job demands 70+ hours a week.  I have seen him criticize...not constructively....within our family.  And only give kudos when trying to impress.  He doesn't get it.  And I have explained in every way that I know how.  I have NEEDS.  Yes, wants too.  But I have NEEDS.  And I deserve to have the needs of my heart met without being belittled, taken forgranted, humiliated nor treated with contempt.  Period.  Except I never put the period.....until now.  And that is why he is in such a tizzy.  Because I am not negotiating anymore.  I am saying.  Telling.  Not asking.  And without promises nor conditions.  He wants a carrot...."if I do this, then when can I expect for you to go back to normal?"  He wants me to heal the relationship when I need to heal myself.  Not because I am selfish.  But because without myself, I can't have a relationship.  Without me, only he continues.  And the only One that I am supposed to die to self for is God Himself.  And when I do so, He makes me more who he made me to be.  He doesn't take away who I am.  He created me.  He glories in me.
And in my husband.
Yes.  Goods can collide.  I am living in the impact zone right now.  And it's not easy.  But it has helped me to clarify.  I don't owe him.  God is not angry with me and able to be used against me to keep me in line.  That's not how He works.
I feel like I'm waking up from a very long sleep.  A little disoriented, but looking forward to a new day.
grace to you.