Went back to reading my Lundy Bancroft book. Much better. Nearly done with it. Yes, you guessed it, I should go......took working through all of the chapters. Having the chance to judge my responses in the exercises. I know that it's time. Now.....how to do it remains a bit of a mystery.
There are chapters for that too. ;) But I am simply reveling in the lightness that came over me as I realized that the people who wrote the book actually got where I am...how I feel...what I wish...how hard it is....how strong I am....how much I have carried. I can't ever explain to anyone how much I have carried. How his apologies don't make it right. How he never gets that he doesn't give...not just 50/50, but he doesn't give. He takes. And, beyond that, it has forced me to spend years taking care of his needs, trying to keep him happy, keep to myself what I need in order to allow peace at home. He has been.......destructive!!!
And yes, I am angry. Very angry. Because he took all that I gave to him and now he wants to finally say, "oh, dear, i finally get it and so now you need to let me try to be better...." and I don't want to. No matter what anyone thinks. Blech.
Yes, I can care and love. And I can have boundaries. And I deserve more deep breaths. Been holding it too many years.
Wow. That feels good. Hope you are proud of me. I know that I sure am.
grace to you.
There are chapters for that too. ;) But I am simply reveling in the lightness that came over me as I realized that the people who wrote the book actually got where I am...how I feel...what I wish...how hard it is....how strong I am....how much I have carried. I can't ever explain to anyone how much I have carried. How his apologies don't make it right. How he never gets that he doesn't give...not just 50/50, but he doesn't give. He takes. And, beyond that, it has forced me to spend years taking care of his needs, trying to keep him happy, keep to myself what I need in order to allow peace at home. He has been.......destructive!!!
And yes, I am angry. Very angry. Because he took all that I gave to him and now he wants to finally say, "oh, dear, i finally get it and so now you need to let me try to be better...." and I don't want to. No matter what anyone thinks. Blech.
Yes, I can care and love. And I can have boundaries. And I deserve more deep breaths. Been holding it too many years.
Wow. That feels good. Hope you are proud of me. I know that I sure am.
grace to you.
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