Last night my husband texted me that he had been praying and thinking and that he knows what we should do. He was going to talk to me last night, but he worked too late, so he wondered if he should talk to me or write. I said write...email...but, I haven't heard. It makes me antsy. Today is my daughter's birthday. I don't want to sit and talk to him. I don't want to rehash. I want a chance to read in private. To digest. To see what he wants. But the day has gone by...and he hasn't written. It puts me on edge. Wondering. I have one more day left until I go to Oregon. I have to pack. I want to relax and get ready. I know that he wants to "connect". I don't. I want to pull apart. I want to be able to just relax. Just be in my home and not worry that I have to work on things for him. For his sake. Funny how all of the years that I begged, he had no interest whatsoever. But now I'm supposed to hop to and think that it's important because it's important to him now that I said that I don't want it anymore. It's always that way. And I am pretty tired of the stress he puts on me.
Then, a friend texts me and tells me how fragile she is and how I need to be nice to her etc....and I just wanna say, get in line. I have my own problems. What is it about me that most people don't get how deeply wounded I can be? It's the strength. The desire to find joy. To encourage. To have hope. Those things are so deep within me. They are who I am. I like that. But...it does make it pretty hard sometimes. My problems are way less than some people's problems. All in all....the thing is...I am able to realize that I have choices. I am not a victim. I will NOT be a victim. Nor behave as one. WILL NOT. I refuse that life.
I will live. Really live. For I was created. I am loved. I have purpose. So, I will continue on. With as much joy as I can eke out of a day. No matter how painful the day. And I will find reason to smile. And I absolutely will find reason to be thankful. Because that is who I choose to be. And I get to choose. I am responsible for who I become.
But I do wish he'd write already....it's ridiculous to play games.
grace to you.
Then, a friend texts me and tells me how fragile she is and how I need to be nice to her etc....and I just wanna say, get in line. I have my own problems. What is it about me that most people don't get how deeply wounded I can be? It's the strength. The desire to find joy. To encourage. To have hope. Those things are so deep within me. They are who I am. I like that. But...it does make it pretty hard sometimes. My problems are way less than some people's problems. All in all....the thing is...I am able to realize that I have choices. I am not a victim. I will NOT be a victim. Nor behave as one. WILL NOT. I refuse that life.
I will live. Really live. For I was created. I am loved. I have purpose. So, I will continue on. With as much joy as I can eke out of a day. No matter how painful the day. And I will find reason to smile. And I absolutely will find reason to be thankful. Because that is who I choose to be. And I get to choose. I am responsible for who I become.
But I do wish he'd write already....it's ridiculous to play games.
grace to you.
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