Reading this book is so helpful NOT because the ideas are new to me, but because it is reinforcing my own journey so far. It is validating those things that I was suspecting that I needed to do. Those ideas that were wiggling around in my brain. It is healing to realize that I am not crazy. That though he doesn't hit me nor even call me nasty names....what I have lived through is still significant and painful. And that I am strong enough to choose something new.
I sense it. I know it. I am full of the desire to really live. To risk the pain of separation. Of being on my own. I am able. Making it happen will take my own time. My own timeline. My own comfort level. And that is ok too. I have to deal with things as quickly or as slowly as I need to. I can take days to hide away. I can laugh. It is ok to live even in the midst of the horror of this "failure". If I had never risked, I would never have failed. And yet...I would have missed out on who I have become. I am a mother. A grandmother. I am a friend. I am kind and generous and hopeful. I give grace. I am wise. Without a doubt, I am not many things too....But, the things that I am are not negated by the fact that my marriage is ending. This is perhaps the first time that I have really believed this. And it is HUGE for me.
I believe in my heart that he has the possibility of going on and changing if he decides to do the work that it will take to change. But I have made my decision that I don't want to wait around for that. I can never get back this season of my life. Ever. And I've given so many seasons already.
The battle is only just beginning in some ways, but it is ok because it has already been fought in the hardest place....my own mind and heart. I had to first know what I feel, think, believe, want, wish for, dream, fear.....not him, not anyone else. Me. I had to know what I want my life to look like. And while it still has that dream like quality, where it has a mist and can fade very quickly....I have finally been able to glimpse my own life and now I can say thta he is not in it. Not like this. Not with power over me.
And so many memories rush in at moments. And I realize how bad it really has been.....but the good news is that I can allow them to recede. I don't have to grip them hard. I have nothing to prove. I WANT to prove it in some ways. To some people. But it's not necessary. It's my life.
It's your life. Your choices. Not easy in any way. But in your own time, you will see your dreams, hopes and life again. Believe it. It's there. Be brave. Be you.
blessings to you from grace.
I sense it. I know it. I am full of the desire to really live. To risk the pain of separation. Of being on my own. I am able. Making it happen will take my own time. My own timeline. My own comfort level. And that is ok too. I have to deal with things as quickly or as slowly as I need to. I can take days to hide away. I can laugh. It is ok to live even in the midst of the horror of this "failure". If I had never risked, I would never have failed. And yet...I would have missed out on who I have become. I am a mother. A grandmother. I am a friend. I am kind and generous and hopeful. I give grace. I am wise. Without a doubt, I am not many things too....But, the things that I am are not negated by the fact that my marriage is ending. This is perhaps the first time that I have really believed this. And it is HUGE for me.
I believe in my heart that he has the possibility of going on and changing if he decides to do the work that it will take to change. But I have made my decision that I don't want to wait around for that. I can never get back this season of my life. Ever. And I've given so many seasons already.
The battle is only just beginning in some ways, but it is ok because it has already been fought in the hardest place....my own mind and heart. I had to first know what I feel, think, believe, want, wish for, dream, fear.....not him, not anyone else. Me. I had to know what I want my life to look like. And while it still has that dream like quality, where it has a mist and can fade very quickly....I have finally been able to glimpse my own life and now I can say thta he is not in it. Not like this. Not with power over me.
And so many memories rush in at moments. And I realize how bad it really has been.....but the good news is that I can allow them to recede. I don't have to grip them hard. I have nothing to prove. I WANT to prove it in some ways. To some people. But it's not necessary. It's my life.
It's your life. Your choices. Not easy in any way. But in your own time, you will see your dreams, hopes and life again. Believe it. It's there. Be brave. Be you.
blessings to you from grace.
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