I always have suspected that I don't really count in my husband's view. That he doesn't really see me or hear me. But, many things don't "really" matter. They aren't that important. And I guess that I've always hoped that the nagging feeling that he thinks of himself before anyone else was.....false. But, in this time of high stress. In these days where I have laid it all on the line. Where I have said exactly what I need......I find it sadly true that he really does not care. He cares how it affects him. He cares how it looks. He cares about saving a marriage.....but not about saving me. I am only part of an equation in his view. In his vision, I exist as an extension of himself. And in this time when I am hurting so much, it would go so far if he would hear me and honor what I am asking. But, again, as it has been time after time after time after time.........he chooses him. HIs alternatives. His ideas.
No, I don't want talk about it with him anymore. Yes, I realize that seems cruel. I hear how unrelenting it sounds. But, I've been saying the same things for years. In all different ways. Using words. Using analogies. And all it ever comes down to is how he feels, what he wants, what he perceives, how I need to forgive. And I'm just done. I need him to leave. I really need him to do it without me figuring it out for him. I wish he'd man up and take the heat and do it. I don't care if he gets a second job or does whatever it takes. It would speak more kindly than the constant putting it back on me.
I shake when I approach my house. Hold my breath. Driving around the corner, looking, seeing if he is there. I shouldn't have to keep living like this. But the thing is......this exact behavior is part of the root problem. I can't just say what I need and get it. I get worn down. He just keeps asking the same questions. Asking for the same reasons to be reviewed. Until I am rubbed raw and just want it to end. I have learned to comply not because he meets my need nor because my need changed....but because I just can't keep up the battle. How many times must I say that I need this space in order to function? Why does he refuse to honor it? To honor me?
He has good qualities. I have spent so long trying to focus on those. But it came at the cost of me having to be the one in the wrong. Of me being to "blame". It came at the cost of my self respect. Self love. Self care. I don't mean that my SELF should be at the center either. Really, I don't need to be the focus. I just don't get why I can never say. Oh, I DO things...but without blessing or support. I make choices. But, I pay a high price. And it is simply wearing me down.
But what he thinks will happen is what has happened all of the times before. I just go back to living. To raising the kids. To making things fine. I hunker down and make it work. This time, there needs to be a change. This time I won't go back. I've said this. I've said what I need. Heck, I practice in the car saying my words aloud. Being blunt. Being clear. Being kind but not protecting. It still has no impact. He cries. He argues. He admits there's a problem........BUT........there's always a but. And he won't allow me to choose what I need. I wish he'd go live with someone even. Just go for a time.
This is affecting my ability to work. My ability to parent. I am having a harder time than ever. And yet...in some ways, it is better. But not because he is doing anything about it....because I am getting stronger. Even in the midst of all of the pain. I am not simply a depressed lump. I have options and I know it. But it doesn't keep this from being incredibly, undeniably wearing. His viewpoint is that the marriage must be saved at all costs. The cost will be me. And I'm not willing to do it. And I hear that makes me hard hearted. But what about all of the years that I have done it?
And, it bothers me. WILL I destroy our children? Will they be the sacrifice? I could even live with him around and doing parties together and being nice if he could just release the grip. The barrage of expectations for me to make it all right. To make him feel better. To give him what he needs. Deserves. Before God. As a Christian woman.
He is oppositional when it comes to me. What I want, he feels a need to fight against. Always. I was feeding the sparrows a waffle today. He wanted me to get out a bowl and give it to him to feed to his chickens. I didn't. I fed the sparrows. I like to feed them in the winter. It brings me pleasure. But....he wouldn't know that. Isn't that........sad?......pathetic? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know how many things that bring me pleasure that he stomps on and takes away the pleasure. Gardening. Writing. Traveling. Reading. Cooking. He has a way of making every single thing about him. Or an argument.
I'm just tired of struggling for the simple freedom to be myself. I am tired of him knowing me well enough to use what he knows to hurt me but not to help me. Like always waiting until I'm getting ready to fall asleep to give me hard news or to share his worries. Every single time. Though I've said for years that I don't function well that way. That upping the stress right before I go to bed is harmful to me. To my ability to rest. But...bottom line? He doesn't care. He doesn't care because what it does for him is provide a release which HELPS him to relax.
I've had suspicions for years. Doubts. Questions. Painful, nagging wonderings. Asking why. Troubled. But, in this time of everything being as bad as it can be......I KNOW. I don't matter to him. Well, I do. And I can hear his argument in my head, " I love you. I need you. I fell in love with you. I meant it. I am committed. You can't just not forgive me. You shouldn't be hard hearted. You should give more chances. You should forget the past." But he won't ever change what he wants to accommodate who I am. There is no room for me in this relationship. He loves something. The way I fit into life to make it easier and more comfortable for him. The way I encourage him. The way I make it possible for him to look good. But he doesn't love me in any way that actually addresses me. That means him putting him aside to allow me to come to the front. To actually have my needs met. Without being told how I shouldn't feel that way. And I've lived that way for 20+ years. Making the world work for him. For the kids. And I can't anymore. I have to allow me a chance to live. To grow. To be who I am supposed to be.
And I don't want him here right now. I have to figure out how to do that while NOT in his shadow. Without him telling me how I'm thinking wrong. Doing it wrong.
I'm so weary of living to make him happy. To keep the peace. To try to keep him happy so that the home life is better. I'm not responsible for all of that. But he always puts me in that position. And when I try to wiggle out of that space, he acts out. That's why right now is so very hard. And that's why I need him to be away so that I can heal. I can't heal "us" without first working on me. In his view, "us" matters most. But....it doesn't really, because his view of "us" is warped. His view of us is self serving. There's very little me in "us" and mostly him.
Yes, I drove up to my house today, coming slowly around the curve and I could barely take a breath, my heart was racing, my head hurt, I was shaking.......until I saw that he was gone. I can't live like that. It's too stressful.
grace to you.
No, I don't want talk about it with him anymore. Yes, I realize that seems cruel. I hear how unrelenting it sounds. But, I've been saying the same things for years. In all different ways. Using words. Using analogies. And all it ever comes down to is how he feels, what he wants, what he perceives, how I need to forgive. And I'm just done. I need him to leave. I really need him to do it without me figuring it out for him. I wish he'd man up and take the heat and do it. I don't care if he gets a second job or does whatever it takes. It would speak more kindly than the constant putting it back on me.
I shake when I approach my house. Hold my breath. Driving around the corner, looking, seeing if he is there. I shouldn't have to keep living like this. But the thing is......this exact behavior is part of the root problem. I can't just say what I need and get it. I get worn down. He just keeps asking the same questions. Asking for the same reasons to be reviewed. Until I am rubbed raw and just want it to end. I have learned to comply not because he meets my need nor because my need changed....but because I just can't keep up the battle. How many times must I say that I need this space in order to function? Why does he refuse to honor it? To honor me?
He has good qualities. I have spent so long trying to focus on those. But it came at the cost of me having to be the one in the wrong. Of me being to "blame". It came at the cost of my self respect. Self love. Self care. I don't mean that my SELF should be at the center either. Really, I don't need to be the focus. I just don't get why I can never say. Oh, I DO things...but without blessing or support. I make choices. But, I pay a high price. And it is simply wearing me down.
But what he thinks will happen is what has happened all of the times before. I just go back to living. To raising the kids. To making things fine. I hunker down and make it work. This time, there needs to be a change. This time I won't go back. I've said this. I've said what I need. Heck, I practice in the car saying my words aloud. Being blunt. Being clear. Being kind but not protecting. It still has no impact. He cries. He argues. He admits there's a problem........BUT........there's always a but. And he won't allow me to choose what I need. I wish he'd go live with someone even. Just go for a time.
This is affecting my ability to work. My ability to parent. I am having a harder time than ever. And yet...in some ways, it is better. But not because he is doing anything about it....because I am getting stronger. Even in the midst of all of the pain. I am not simply a depressed lump. I have options and I know it. But it doesn't keep this from being incredibly, undeniably wearing. His viewpoint is that the marriage must be saved at all costs. The cost will be me. And I'm not willing to do it. And I hear that makes me hard hearted. But what about all of the years that I have done it?
And, it bothers me. WILL I destroy our children? Will they be the sacrifice? I could even live with him around and doing parties together and being nice if he could just release the grip. The barrage of expectations for me to make it all right. To make him feel better. To give him what he needs. Deserves. Before God. As a Christian woman.
He is oppositional when it comes to me. What I want, he feels a need to fight against. Always. I was feeding the sparrows a waffle today. He wanted me to get out a bowl and give it to him to feed to his chickens. I didn't. I fed the sparrows. I like to feed them in the winter. It brings me pleasure. But....he wouldn't know that. Isn't that........sad?......pathetic? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know how many things that bring me pleasure that he stomps on and takes away the pleasure. Gardening. Writing. Traveling. Reading. Cooking. He has a way of making every single thing about him. Or an argument.
I'm just tired of struggling for the simple freedom to be myself. I am tired of him knowing me well enough to use what he knows to hurt me but not to help me. Like always waiting until I'm getting ready to fall asleep to give me hard news or to share his worries. Every single time. Though I've said for years that I don't function well that way. That upping the stress right before I go to bed is harmful to me. To my ability to rest. But...bottom line? He doesn't care. He doesn't care because what it does for him is provide a release which HELPS him to relax.
I've had suspicions for years. Doubts. Questions. Painful, nagging wonderings. Asking why. Troubled. But, in this time of everything being as bad as it can be......I KNOW. I don't matter to him. Well, I do. And I can hear his argument in my head, " I love you. I need you. I fell in love with you. I meant it. I am committed. You can't just not forgive me. You shouldn't be hard hearted. You should give more chances. You should forget the past." But he won't ever change what he wants to accommodate who I am. There is no room for me in this relationship. He loves something. The way I fit into life to make it easier and more comfortable for him. The way I encourage him. The way I make it possible for him to look good. But he doesn't love me in any way that actually addresses me. That means him putting him aside to allow me to come to the front. To actually have my needs met. Without being told how I shouldn't feel that way. And I've lived that way for 20+ years. Making the world work for him. For the kids. And I can't anymore. I have to allow me a chance to live. To grow. To be who I am supposed to be.
And I don't want him here right now. I have to figure out how to do that while NOT in his shadow. Without him telling me how I'm thinking wrong. Doing it wrong.
I'm so weary of living to make him happy. To keep the peace. To try to keep him happy so that the home life is better. I'm not responsible for all of that. But he always puts me in that position. And when I try to wiggle out of that space, he acts out. That's why right now is so very hard. And that's why I need him to be away so that I can heal. I can't heal "us" without first working on me. In his view, "us" matters most. But....it doesn't really, because his view of "us" is warped. His view of us is self serving. There's very little me in "us" and mostly him.
Yes, I drove up to my house today, coming slowly around the curve and I could barely take a breath, my heart was racing, my head hurt, I was shaking.......until I saw that he was gone. I can't live like that. It's too stressful.
grace to you.
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