Some days it feels like I am a boxer. You know, in a big ring. Surrounded by the crowd. Battling. And when the whistle blows and I go to my "corner", I am there alone. No coach. No advisor. No cheerleaders. No water person. No medic. And it feels like I look over to his corner and see everyone there. He ingratiates himself. Especially with those who are "my" friends. He has trouble making close friends on his own. Most of his relationships are offshoots of mine. Either with my lady friend or her husband. He needles in. And I know that he knows that it hurts me. For him to take my place if I refuse to be where he is....but they are there, he is there. He will be with my friends to try to force me to be with him. And I have to let it go. Even with church.
I'm not going today. I don't have anyone in my corner. Nobody to comfort or be mine alone. And usually that's ok. But not today. I'm tired of this battle of trying to go and find a place and holding my breath wondering where he will sit or if I'll have a place. I don't have a place because I won't force myself in. I am done with that. Those who love me and see me will do so. Those who don't.....I can't fix.
But that doesn't make it easier. And when I do find a place, it makes him jealous. And so he wants in there. He tries to use those that I care about and who care about me. And they don't know. And I won't tell them. He is savvy. He must know that he does it. He is a strategist when playing games. This feels like a big game/sport................and I know how much he needs to win. It is so much a part of him. He does not lose well. Even when it's not about winning or losing. If he perceives he's losing, it's too much.
I played cards for the first time in a long time yesterday. I used to play games. Used to enjoy them. I am competitive in a fun filled sort of way. Not in an all costs sort of way. Over the years, my relationship with him has caused me to lose my joy in such games. Because of how he treated my kids or others. And me. After awhile, I quit competing even when I played....and that distresses him. He needs to beat me when he perceives I'm at my best. It's too much.
I'd go to my corner to rest but that's depressing too. I think that I will just get out of the ring.
blessings.
I'm not going today. I don't have anyone in my corner. Nobody to comfort or be mine alone. And usually that's ok. But not today. I'm tired of this battle of trying to go and find a place and holding my breath wondering where he will sit or if I'll have a place. I don't have a place because I won't force myself in. I am done with that. Those who love me and see me will do so. Those who don't.....I can't fix.
But that doesn't make it easier. And when I do find a place, it makes him jealous. And so he wants in there. He tries to use those that I care about and who care about me. And they don't know. And I won't tell them. He is savvy. He must know that he does it. He is a strategist when playing games. This feels like a big game/sport................and I know how much he needs to win. It is so much a part of him. He does not lose well. Even when it's not about winning or losing. If he perceives he's losing, it's too much.
I played cards for the first time in a long time yesterday. I used to play games. Used to enjoy them. I am competitive in a fun filled sort of way. Not in an all costs sort of way. Over the years, my relationship with him has caused me to lose my joy in such games. Because of how he treated my kids or others. And me. After awhile, I quit competing even when I played....and that distresses him. He needs to beat me when he perceives I'm at my best. It's too much.
I'd go to my corner to rest but that's depressing too. I think that I will just get out of the ring.
blessings.
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