See it Wiggle...See it Jiggle

Shaky today.  Yep, again like jell-o.  I asked God for the biggest snowstorm ever.  Just to have time.  For what?  I know that it seems like putting off the inevitable.  But what I have learned is that I CAN power up.  But it's not by an act of my will....well, not an act of my will alone.  It's basking in the presence of the One who knows me.  Who gives me strength.  It takes courage to be truly powered up.  Not simply just plowing through...though there is a fair share of that too.  Mostly it's about remembering what I know to be TRUE....because I go into a place where my husband tells me things and twists my words and it is quite a trial.  Gotta get on that armor.  Even jell-o like girlies can be protected by the armor.  But I also have to give myself time to do it.  It's weird how I can't just force it or rush it.  But thinking about it, putting on armor in the old days took time.  It took help. It was specially made for each person.  Right now all I want to do is snuggle back under the hotel covers where I stayed last night and wake up when I do.  It feels like I live so much of life being expected to.......you name it.  And in the time since I haven't been in my room, I really don't get much time to simply, truly rest.  But, that's ok, it was worse when I was in the room with him.
Just thinking of that caused a cold chill to travel head to toe.  The dread of that time stays with me.  Oh, there were good times when my kids came piling in.  Loved that.  But you know, staying in bed if sex wasn't going to happen was never supposed to be an option......I remember early on saying that that was hurtful.  And he certainly wasn't staying if he wasn't getting any.
I feel kinda.........sick.  Going back after breaking away is getting harder and harder.  Not easier.  I thought that it would.  But having done the hard work.  Having faced what causes me fear.  Having dredged it up....well, it's all out and about now and not neatly sealed in some back room of my mind and heart.  So, it hurts much more.  And the fact that he won't simply man up and figure out a way to make it happen...just hurts more and proves that I'm not worth it to him.
I should speak this out.  Tell people when I feel so very crushed.  Vulnerable.  Troubled.  Absolutely ill.  About going home.  But it's not an easy thing to do.  How my head pounds.  And my knees feel weak.  And I feel sick.  And my body feels numb.  It's like I go into shock.  It's a terrible feeling.  And I usually carry it all alone.  I don't htink that I should.
Hard morning.  But glad I got to rest.  I couldn't have done it last night.  Not at all.
I'm thankful for a friend who listened when I said I needed to stop.  And for snow that closes highways.
grace to you.