Church and other great big mountains

So comes Sunday again...tomorrow.  And I am already shaky.  Last week was really hard.  I wound up sitting right in his line of vision.  Awkward doesn't begin to describe it.  I don't know if I can do it again.  But, if I can, it will be four in a row.  More than I have been able to do for a very long time.  Sitting with the family.  I am the one who made sure we found a church.  That made sure we got up and got going through all of those years with young children.  Yet now....I feel like I am an outsider.  Not to the kids.  But like he goes there for show.  He is smart.  He will always look good.  Always.  Probably why I feel so sick when I have to go sit with him now.
It's a big mountain.  And I can say to it..."move".
There are so many right now.  A party tomorrow afternoon.  People who ask him to do things that I need to be doing and not having to coordinate with him.  No cash to go file.  Not yet.  End of month I'll have more money.  I need to do this.  But I can't see how to do it financially without selling the house.
Mountains galore.  It's tough.  It will work out.  I used to hike.  Backpack.  One step at a time.  Time to rest.  Plenty of calories and fluids.  Deep breaths...staying oxygenated.  Very similar.  One day, I will be looking back at the valleys.  I will have scaled the peaks and be living as I am intended to live.  But there will always be more valleys.  So I need to practice doing it well.
grace to you.