The Right Words

He is emailing the right words.  And it hurts.  Because with it he is also prodding me to give him an in.  To work on an us.  He is telling me I'm the right woman.  And I feel...kinda sick.  I don't feel better, I feel......like if that's so then why only when you think that you have lost everything.  I said that I thought that we could do big family events still...he wants much more.  It'll all work, but I am shaky and have a headache...yet, he is using good words so I should be feeling good?  I don't get it.  And how come now?  And why does it make me shudder?  Like when it feels like someone is watching you.  Weird feeling.
Sometimes what would have been the right words at some point in time are not the right words in this moment.  He wants to keep friends.  I get that.  He wants to be the guy who stays.  I get that.  But he doesn't get that I can't give him what he is asking for.  I can't steal back all of those years.  I can't somehow magic away the fact that he has disregarded my needs, dreams, hopes and self for so very long.  And I can't promise to make it better.
Why is it always at night???? AAAArrrrrggggghhhhhh.  Have to sleep.  Need to work.  So uptight.  Gotta rest.  Pray.  Remember.....I don't have to figure it out.  I'm not in control.  I just need to rest.  And take it one step at a time.
grace.