Confusion

You know, my husband has this tradition.  He has made it a habit over the years to only actually listen to me if he thinks that his marriage is literally on the line. This time, I have filed for a legal separation and he finally says the "nice" words.  He is sorry.  He knows that I'm kind hearted and that it would be hard for me to be pushed this far.  But that he doesn't want to be "that" dad.  He wants to be there for his kids.  And it made my night hard.  And it made this day hard.  Because I got little sleep but still had to be at my best with the munchkins.  Then, my kids were at school for an hour and a half after school because I didn't get them a ride.  Ooops.  I felt like.....bad mom of the year.  On a Friday too.  So, I made them waffles and sausage.  And had more time to reflect.  I appreciate the words that my husband was willing to say.  But, when his back is not against a wall, he can't be that.  He can't listen....or at least really hear.  He just won't.
But, I do get what he is saying about the kids.  He hit that hard.  "The kids deserve one home.  They deserve two parents that are there for them.  They deserve....." The guilt rose in my soul.  I want so desperately to be good to them.  To give them the best possible that I can.  Not perfect....I have no illusions that I can do that.  But, stable.  Secure.  Comforting.  But here's the problem:  I can't be that in this situation.  I can't hardly get up or function.  I can't be here when he is.  I am overwhelmed by the stress.  I need in every way to heal.  I need to not have to have a schedule of when I will be better.
I emailed him today that I heard him.  That I understood what he was saying.  That I want to find a way to have what I need but also to take into account what he is saying.  We are grown ups....I think that we should be able to do this well. Of course, I was the one that thought that we should be able to do marriage well.  So, I am fallible.
He emailed back that he does want me to heal.  And our relationship too.  And that was hard for me.  Because I can't deal with that right now.  I can barely deal with just me getting to be ok.  Without the stress of figuring out how to fix it with him.
And I notice that once again, he has made it that I need to find a solution.  I feel like the life line problem solver.
I just feel badly.  I get what he's saying about our kids.  But I also know that he knows that they are my tender point.  My underbelly.  My soft spot.  NOBODY messes with my kids.  And I will do what it takes to help them grow into decent, kind, responsible, loving, mature adults.  I will sacrifice just about anything.  But not my life.  Because they need me.  To function.  To be present.
It's all sssooo hard.  Because I feel badly because.......I don't trust his "repentance and sadness".  Not to last. Not to be a change.  I feel like it has always been a tactic.  A device for getting me to do what he wants.  Because I DO forgive.  I DO believe in people.  I DO believe in trying again.
But I just can't.  I told him so.  But he still holds hope that he is swaying me.  And perhaps in some ways he has.  I am thinking of how to get what I need in more creative ways than the traditional methods.  Everyone thinks that divorce or marriage have to look a certain way.  My marriage certainly hasn't....so why should my separation?  But how?  I still need to think.  I want to keep my boundaries and needs in my mind.  And put in the best things for my kids.  It will come to me.  I'll just keep praying.
One good thing...he did actually offer to switch off or go to a different service so that I could be comfortable at church.
Why does he do that?  I don't know.  But though he can say that he loves me, it doesn't FEEL like love.  It feels like being used.  Needed.  It feels like he doesn't know what to do without me, but not like he sees me and wants to............I don't know how to explain it..........make me smile.
grace to you.