I realize that I have spent the last many years surviving by running away now and again. Often to my trouble....as he is not understanding nor kind about the time that I need away. And yet....how I long for it. Desire it. Not from everyone. Specifically him. I mean, who doesn't love a day or so all alone? But this is different. This is a feeling that I've had for a long time.
We went to the east coast a few years back. He came. But he had to fly back early. I could hardly breathe until I dropped him at the airport. I didn't walk in to the airport. I dropped him at the drive through. This speaks volumes.....but he doesn't even know me that well...to know that I always like to walk people in. I was so glad that he was on his way and that I was finally able to relax. It has been like that for so very long. It's as if I am constantly waiting to catch a breath. To have a few moments to remember who I am. How I work. What I really think. What I really want.
Reading this book, one of the things about whether you should go is if you feel lost and like it takes hard work and effort to find who you are again. It sounds so.....worldly? Yet, it resonates with me. I've seen people get lost. Women who begin to disappear. Actually, I was pretty good at spotting them these years...perhaps because I knew it from my own life? I always have to ACT like everything is ok at home. Like it makes me happy.....living as he does. I have to make the best of it. Or, rather, I DID. But now, I won't. I won't have the papers served to him while I am gone because I know what the safe shelter lady said...I don't know what he will do. He might say that I left the state...left him and the children. He might lock me out of my home. No, I will wait.
I think that I will find one of my heroes to deliver the paperwork. The women that I know are STRONG. Who can be frank but not unkind. Thinking on it. Praying on it.
I leave tomorrow. Yes!!!
I am going to the coast.
This is the view from the house that I will be staying in. I can almost hear the crashing of the waves. The woman who owns the home is so......nice. What a blessing.
There are times that I feel like God is going to refrain from blessing my life. My choices. My hopes and dreams. Because I am not willing to live like this anymore. And, my husband has let me know that I won't be living in God's will. That I won't be giving my children what they deserve. I know what he is saying. And I wish that I could give them what they deserved. But, he never joined me in that. In all of these years, we could have truly given them what they deserved.. It is true But is ISN'T my fault. His decisions have brought me here. And saying sorry at the last minute with an eye to how long it will take me to allow things to get back to "normal" doesn't hold much weight. He changes to buy favor. He changes to lure me into being and doing what he wants. Bottom line, he doesn't really change. Change takes hard work and a lot of time. As does trust. And the thing is that I do not trust him anymore. I might again someday. I can't really say. I don't even think about it much. Mostly, I think about who I need to be as a person. How to survive.
And you know how I said that I was afraid that God wouldn't bless me? That He would withdraw favor? I want you to know that in my heart and soul, I know that isn't true. Because He keeps showing me with every step. Even when I have to hunker down and not work or take a day under a blanket. He doesn't quit blessing me. He holds me close. He is a husband to me. A father. A comforter. And most recently, today, after I read my chapters and figured out that I indeed have cause and indeed am at the point of no return, I wondered anew.....will He leave me to figure it out on my own? And I went on the website that has sub jobs and there was a request for 2/29-3/5. Not only that....but the request came from a man who completely intimidated me last year and made me feel less than professional. We have crossed paths this year. I have been in his class for an hour when he had a meeting. Yet, he CHOSE me. Wow. It was huge.
Yes, I'm ready for this time away. I am in desperate need of it. I've been fighting the battle on the front lines and I need a bit of leave so that I can come back refreshed and finish what I've started.
God loves me. Provides for me. Hopes for me. Gets me. Doesn't give up on me. And is never ever disappointed in me nor taken by surprise. It might be a hard time for me, but never think that I am down and not getting up. I am up and going higher up. That marriage pit has held me back. I know that it's not that for everyone, but it has been for me. Like a life sentence. Not a joy. Not a gift.
Except for the kids. True gifts every one.
grace to you.
We went to the east coast a few years back. He came. But he had to fly back early. I could hardly breathe until I dropped him at the airport. I didn't walk in to the airport. I dropped him at the drive through. This speaks volumes.....but he doesn't even know me that well...to know that I always like to walk people in. I was so glad that he was on his way and that I was finally able to relax. It has been like that for so very long. It's as if I am constantly waiting to catch a breath. To have a few moments to remember who I am. How I work. What I really think. What I really want.
Reading this book, one of the things about whether you should go is if you feel lost and like it takes hard work and effort to find who you are again. It sounds so.....worldly? Yet, it resonates with me. I've seen people get lost. Women who begin to disappear. Actually, I was pretty good at spotting them these years...perhaps because I knew it from my own life? I always have to ACT like everything is ok at home. Like it makes me happy.....living as he does. I have to make the best of it. Or, rather, I DID. But now, I won't. I won't have the papers served to him while I am gone because I know what the safe shelter lady said...I don't know what he will do. He might say that I left the state...left him and the children. He might lock me out of my home. No, I will wait.
I think that I will find one of my heroes to deliver the paperwork. The women that I know are STRONG. Who can be frank but not unkind. Thinking on it. Praying on it.
I leave tomorrow. Yes!!!
I am going to the coast.
This is the view from the house that I will be staying in. I can almost hear the crashing of the waves. The woman who owns the home is so......nice. What a blessing.There are times that I feel like God is going to refrain from blessing my life. My choices. My hopes and dreams. Because I am not willing to live like this anymore. And, my husband has let me know that I won't be living in God's will. That I won't be giving my children what they deserve. I know what he is saying. And I wish that I could give them what they deserved. But, he never joined me in that. In all of these years, we could have truly given them what they deserved.. It is true But is ISN'T my fault. His decisions have brought me here. And saying sorry at the last minute with an eye to how long it will take me to allow things to get back to "normal" doesn't hold much weight. He changes to buy favor. He changes to lure me into being and doing what he wants. Bottom line, he doesn't really change. Change takes hard work and a lot of time. As does trust. And the thing is that I do not trust him anymore. I might again someday. I can't really say. I don't even think about it much. Mostly, I think about who I need to be as a person. How to survive.
And you know how I said that I was afraid that God wouldn't bless me? That He would withdraw favor? I want you to know that in my heart and soul, I know that isn't true. Because He keeps showing me with every step. Even when I have to hunker down and not work or take a day under a blanket. He doesn't quit blessing me. He holds me close. He is a husband to me. A father. A comforter. And most recently, today, after I read my chapters and figured out that I indeed have cause and indeed am at the point of no return, I wondered anew.....will He leave me to figure it out on my own? And I went on the website that has sub jobs and there was a request for 2/29-3/5. Not only that....but the request came from a man who completely intimidated me last year and made me feel less than professional. We have crossed paths this year. I have been in his class for an hour when he had a meeting. Yet, he CHOSE me. Wow. It was huge.
Yes, I'm ready for this time away. I am in desperate need of it. I've been fighting the battle on the front lines and I need a bit of leave so that I can come back refreshed and finish what I've started.
God loves me. Provides for me. Hopes for me. Gets me. Doesn't give up on me. And is never ever disappointed in me nor taken by surprise. It might be a hard time for me, but never think that I am down and not getting up. I am up and going higher up. That marriage pit has held me back. I know that it's not that for everyone, but it has been for me. Like a life sentence. Not a joy. Not a gift.
Except for the kids. True gifts every one.
grace to you.
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