from happiness in your life

Never Easy

I'm tired.  I mean, really tired.  Haven't slept very long at night.  Today was a good day, but filled.  I was vegging in front of a show when my husband came in and sat down.  Wanted to know if I wanted to be around when he told the kids.  Wanted to know when.  It was hard.  Because he behaves so differently than in public.  He acts like "why are you doing this to me?"  And when I asked if he had a place for the kids, he said, "no, I haven't ever had to do this before."  It was weird.  He has the lower floor of a tri-level.  Living with a widow who is a nanny. Kids can come visit.  That's nice.  But it's not parenting as I wish he could.  But, hey, it's something.  And I am learning...people do the best they can with what they have and what they are.
Separating is good.  How that can be, I don't really get.  But it's kind of like giving kids a time out.  Sometimes there is simply no hearing, no changing, no growing when someone continually gets what they want.  So.....I don't mean this as unkind.  It's time.  It's necessary.  It's not a threat or a punishment.  It's just a fact.  Being stuck in the same unhealthy rut is not a way to live a life.  I feel sad for him.  And goodness knows, he plays on that.  He knows that I have a soft heart.  But, I wonder if he knows how much I must really mean this to not be swayed by the way he works it when it's just me.  I wonder if he even has heard how deeply wounded I had to be to get here.
You know, he said that he has lusted and has been tempted...and sometimes I wonder what that means.  What it looks like for a guy.  I know that there was a time that I thought that he was having an affair and he wouldn't answer.  Only asked, "why would you think that?"  And I know that some things intimately changed....differed so much that I felt awkward.  Like he had different expectations and that I had missed something somewhere.  But you know, that kind of thing is outside...what has hurt me is how he treats who I am.  What I think about.  Who I want to be.  My dreams.  I simply don't exist for him outside of him.  And even as hard as all of this is...it is still the same.  I exist in his world only as it affects him.
And it saddens me.  Because what he wants back isn't something I ever want back.  It harmed me so deeply. It stole my sense of value.  I struggle day to day with it now.  I question so much that maybe I should be able to take forgranted.  I'll figure it out.  But I have to get better.  It's necessary.  I won't even be able to have friends how I am now.  I am a mess.  I don't look forward to the hard parts, but I know that it's necessary.  Can't go forward or get better without getting through.
And I will have to watch others be nice to him.  Meet his needs.  And sometimes I (and this is hard to say) don't want them to.  I want to tell him that they choose me.  I know....it's wrong.  It's just what I feel.  Not what I act on.  But when we are out places, it feels creepy because the behavior is so very different.  Moreso than ever before.  And I have to just let it be.  That's his life.  His thing to deal with.  And the choices of other people are their choices.  I HAVE to let it go.
I am learning.  It's coming.  I feel it.  Letting go.  Choosing to just let things be as they will be.  It's hard because people say that you should ask for what you need.  But when you "share" friends....that's not really possible.
I do have to say....at least this year I won't have him here for my birthday.  I have dreaded my birthdays since I've been married.  I used to like them.  I want to like them again.  I do remember those days.  I do remember my dear friends who have loved me and been there on those days.  Way back when.  Who actually celebrated me.  Who bothered to know me.  Who actually see how hurt I've been and what it has done to my confidence.  Me...the fearless one.  Crazy to have gotten to where I am.
I allowed it.  I didn't plan it.  I didn't deserve it.  But I didn't stop it.  I talked.  I told him.  I asked.  I pleaded. I gave examples.  But when things didn't work....I kept going back to how it was.  Until now.  And that is what floors him.  And me.  But I know that if I didn't, I'd be done being me.
So...never easy.  But I'm always carried.  So, I'll make it.
grace to you.

Survival

I made it through a gathering today....with husband there.  I had a near panic attack on the way there, but managed to choke it back and go and be there.  How he acts when around everyone.  It is hard for me.  How he is different.  I ask for space.  He makes his way to me.
It's hard to know that nobody knows how my life has been.  How desperate it makes me feel now that I've allowed myself to pull out of the "routine".  But I can't tell them.  Can't figure out how I'm going to make it knowing that he plans on keeping all of my friends.  Awkward doesn't begin to explain how I feel.  Heartache?  perhaps.  But so much more.  Knowing that it's not fair.  That he has behaved in ways that have been harmful.  More than just unkind.  And yet....is going on to pretend all is fine.  Like nothing is amiss.  At one point he stood behind me as I was sitting on a table...possessively.  And he knows that I won't make a scene in front of our kids.  But he won't leave it be.  At home he acts differently.
I'm too tired to really care what anyone thinks anymore.  They can be his friend if they want to.  Everyone gets to choose.  That's how it is.  I know that they can't understand.  And I can't exactly say the things that I've been bullied into doing.  So....I'm just going to have to figure out how to live with it.
Not sure how.  But, I will do it.  I'm sure that it will get better.  Counting the years until graduation seems sad. And....still.....I am waiting for a time when he will have nobody to hold over me.
I am at the event feeling a weight on my chest.  Wondering how to survive it.  Knowing that I'm alone in my inability to breathe.  Nobody to tell.  No escape.  And he throws on the sweet.  And....I just can't.  Can't fake it.  Can't do it.  I want real.  I want healthy.  I want to breathe.  I don't want to be forced to do things that make me uncomfortable.  I want to know that my words will be heard.  I have a feeling that it's going to be a long road.  And perhaps lonely.  But....there's more than just survival.  There's health.  And healing.  And learning.  And being a testimony that some things are not ok.
But first....I have to survive.  One event, one step, one day at a time.
blessings.

Negative

from positive outlooks
I needed this tonight. ;)

Processing Crap

Manure is not just what comes out of the cow.  It needs to be aged.  Or processed in a factory.  Same for rabbit poop.  It is too intense....too strong for plants in it's fresh form.  It can kill plants.  Or, at the very least, burn them.
The crap we deal with in life is the same.  It needs....processing.  That way it can become something that causes us to grow instead of just being a stinky mess to step in later on.  But that processing is rather hard.
I try to talk about what is happening inside of me.  But it is like being tongue tied.  It just seems so hard.  But that does not mean that I'm not working on it.  Praying through it.  Trusting.
And I know that the time is going to come that I'm going to thrive again.  It has been a long time of just surviving.  Thriving will be wonderful.
First things first.  Gotta make it through the crap.  And sometimes, it means spending time in it.  Just kind of sitting in the pain until the realization comes that it can't hurt you anymore.  That it has no hold over you or your life.  That's where I am.  And while I am anxious to move along.  I can't.  I shouldn't.  Because...it's a process.  There are things that just have to be lived through.  Processed.  So that the end result is something that brings growth.
I get it.  But it's still hard.  The feeling of having my breath sucked out and my heart crushed and my insides tied in knots....that pretty much sums it up.  But sitting with it is bringing strength.  Slowly.  Seeping.  But definitely there.
Hope you find a way to process your crap too.  Glad you are here.  You are in my heart.  And I'm praying for you.
blessings.

Simple Joys

I am finding a deep sense of joy from simple things.  Seeing my kids do something they really enjoy.  Good food.  Eating.  A cold drink.  Not THAT kind....just a limeade or lemonade.  A cup of coffee.  The warmth of my rather ugly but comfy sweatshirt.  Time with a friend.  Even when I can't find the words to say what I want to.  Knowing that it's all ok.  Smile from a little kid at the thrift store.  Very simple things.  Yet, I can sense the joy.  And I can tell that the peace of my soul will be and is being restored.  Slowly.  Like water soaking through the cracks of the rocks.  But nonetheless, there.  Present.
Today refreshed my heart.
grace.

My Word of the Year

BAlaNce is my word of the year.....and look what came in my inbox today.  Enjoy.  http://www.changemyrelationship.com/support-files/findingabalance.pdf
This woman has a lot of good things to say.  Not about divorce or not divorce.  Just about living.  Relationships. And mostly...about changing ourselves.  Seeing ourselves.
blessings. grace.

Hope Comes In The Morning

God's favor is for a
LIFETIME!
Enjoy it.
Each new day.
love,
grace.

Normal

from positive outlooks
I think that the real truth is
that there is no such thing as
NORMAL.
We are each unique.
Individual.
And what messes us up
is thinking that
each is supposed
to be like another.
When really,
all of the pieces
make a beautiful
WHOLE.

Proof

My friend,
I write to you trying to explain why I am so in need these days.  I don't know how to put it other than I feel emptied.  I feel like I have been bombed out and there is rubble that I am trying to get rid of.  And that I am rebuilding something that was knocked down over and over again over time.  Yes, I'm insecure.  The very foundations of me have been rocked.  But, notice, though shaky, still standing.  And though insecure, alive and trying.
I know that I need reassurance.  It troubles me.  Embarrasses me.  I know in my head that not everyone will be as he.  And yet....this part of me wonders if I'm worth it.  And if I am, why I wasn't enough to him.  Why he always wanted more and better and his way.  I question everything about myself right now.  Not intentionally.  Just because I have been so conditioned to try to make things right for him.  It feels like being brainwashed and trying to come out to the "real" world....but I struggle to know what IS the real world.
Because my real world has been this world of being and doing and constantly thinking and struggling with how to make it work.  There has been no down time.  And I was so surprised to figure out that really it didn't matter what I did or how I did it.....it's always just not right or not what he wants.  Somehow he maintained control by always wanting something different.  By making me feel like I wasn't giving enough.
I am hurting.  I know that you have a hard time seeing.  That I have a hard time explaining.  I don't want to make people go into this ugly world.  But sometimes, it is where I am functioning from.  And I can't explain to you without taking you there.
When I do something good and am looking for praise, it's not because I think that I need it.  That my own feelings aren't good enough.  IT's that I have trouble trusting my own right now.  I am so beaten down that taking my own word for things is hard.  I need to be built back up.
And I know that it's not your job.  Not your job to provide me with proof that my life and actions are worth anything.  And I know that it's tiresome to be around me at this time.
But I am so broken.  So hurt.  And I wish that I could just let you feel how crushed I am for just a moment.  So that you could feel that I have this sense that maybe it's just me and that everyone feels about me the way he has.  It's a terrifying thought.  It plagues me sometimes.  Though...in my deepest heart....in that place where faith still resides, I know it's not true.  I know who I am.  Though that part feels small and barely growing right now.  Like a plant peeking up too early in spring.  It doesn't take much to destroy it.  Nor me.
I seem so needy.  So silly.  So unable to just get on with it.  And I'm sorry.  Deeply sorry.  But this is where I am.  And whether others can deal with it or not, I have to be here and grow from here.  All has been stripped away and trimmed back....and I have to start again.
My deepest hope is that somehow there will be those who see me still....though my outline is so faint.  And who stay...though really I have little to give and seem to need reassurance so often.  But whether that happens or not.  This is where I am.  Alive after living through hell.  And hoping still.  Though crushed repeatedly.  And I will understand if you don't get it.  And can't stay.
Not that it won't hurt.  It will.  But....I realize that nobody is used to me being so hurt.  I finally put down my defenses you see.  When I decided that I was done, I had to put it all down and start again.  And so now I am defenseless.  I want to be.  I spent too long acting  in response to him.  And not living.  And now I need encouragement from people who really love me and not use me.  Who see me and choose me.  And help to grow me again.
Not that I see only me.  Not true at all. It's just that I need to be reminded......often....that I am not invisible to you.  That you hear me.  See me.  Love me. And I know it's too much to ask.  So I ask no one.
But still.  It's where I am.  And I don't plan on living anymore in a way that I am not an inconvenience to anyone.
I know you love me.  And I know that you have no idea how horribly hurt I am inside.  How damaged.  Because I know that who he is doesn't show to others.  Or maybe a glimmer....but not in fullness.  But please hear me.  Please help me not to disappear.
Because if nobody around knows who you are......you really are invisible.
grace.

Prayers

For so many years my prayer was to be enough.  Good enough housekeeper.  Good enough mom.  Good enough cook.  Good enough lover.  Good enough gardener.  Good enough listener.  Good enough encourager.  Good enough friend.  Good enough to be married.  To him.  To be able to keep the peace.  To allow him to thrive.  I would have done anything.  I prayed to be able and willing to sacrifice.  To not be self serving.  I wanted to be willing to do what it took to make a marriage work. 

Years.  And years.  Never being successful.  Having moments to hold and cherish.  But nothing substantial to feel like there was a foundation.  Never knowing that there was respect.  Nor compassion.  It has eaten away at me.  And now I experience holes in who I am.  In who I was.  There are such needy places.  Places that were destroyed.  Places I liked.  But now, it's as if I walk in a world of post war.  A city that has been bombed over and over.  Torn down.  Yet, in the middle of everything, there will be one beautiful thing remaining.  

My prayer is to build a foundation on the beautiful things that remain.  Faith.  Hope.  These I still have.  Though they have shaken and trembled, they stood fast.  From them, peace and joy can come again.

Yet, I feel like the one wandering through the bombed out city.  Disoriented.  Losing sense of direction because so many things are gone.  I feel alone.  I feel like people in other places look at me and don't understand the greatness of loss I have experienced.  Not just of marriage.  That was gone.  But of trying to stop the loss of everything and in so doing, losing my self.  It's painful.

I pray to not struggle so much.  To relax.  But my whole self is on high alert.  Because he's always coming back.  It's like waiting for the bombers overhead.  Listening. Heart pounding.  Wondering what will be hit this time.  And will I survive.  

And my prayers have changed.  To saving not my marriage but me.  My very life.  My very self.  

And yet, I walk around the world.  And nobody sees how lost.  How hurt.  How devastated I am.  Nobody acknowledges that perhaps I was a hero.  Saving others.  Giving life.  From my own supply.

And now in need.  But alone.  Without encouragement.  

But my prayer is to be the encourager to myself that I have been to others.  Because it needs to be done.  I have to walk a little further.  Do a little more.  Find ways to function.  And do more than simply function.  Somehow.  And it doesn't do any good to try to tell others that I'm good or good at things.  It just sounds arrogant.  When really, in saying it aloud, I'm just trying to tell myself that I am still alive and still have purpose.  Though the bombings have come and so much is destroyed.  I am still alive.  Albeit faintly.

My prayers.  Were they answered?  Yes.  I am not good enough for him.  And he will not choose me over his mother.  And no matter what, he'll never honestly be happy with how I am.  The answer wasn't pretty.   It wasn't yes.  But it was answered.  God is reminding me instead of how to live.  Not how to try to please the husband.  And you know, I'm having a hard time doing it.  Shock.  Trauma.  Of too long carrying the other to safety.  Of doing the work.  Of caring.  

Prayers.  They still rise up within me.  With hope...that peace and joy and passion will return and that fear will subside.

blessings.

Furniture

I have enjoyed painting...ok, desecrating....old furniture for a long time.  Or stripping it down and simply sealing it.  I have spent quite a bit of time trying and doing different things.  I've read books and watched online tutorials.  But mostly, I have learned by trial and error.  

It's really a lot of work.  It doesn't come easily.  It isn't done without a sense of direction....of how I want to make it look.  And every time I am working on a piece, I get to different points where I just wish it was done.  To the point where I can enjoy it instead of continuing to work on it.  Because ever layer of paint means more sanding.  And every bit of finishing oil means more and more buffing.  It takes a long time.  And sometimes, I just don't want to care anymore.  But as I keep working, as I am vested in it, something happens.  And I don't want to settle for something that is "ok".  I want it  be finished.  I want it to be really good.  I want the piece to be right for it's purpose. 

The great part about furniture is that the work pays off.  And if I don't like what is going on with it, I can go a new direction, do something different.  Relationships, on the other hand, require the other person to want to make something great too.  Now I've learned that that doesn't always happen.  As a matter of fact, perhaps it doesn't happen often.  

That's too bad, because putting in the work, being vested......it beats the heck out of having something ugly sitting over in the corner that you tolerate because you have to.  Much better to take the ugly thing and make it beautiful.  And therein is my hurt....I wanted to have the beautiful marriage.  But it's not furniture.  I didn't get to choose.  And, I can keep on working forever....but nothing ever changes.  And sometimes, even with furniture, the piece just doesn't work.  Or it was too damaged.  Or it needs to be changed into something else in order to be useful.  That's where I am in my marriage.  It just doesn't work to keep working as it was.  I need to put my efforts into something that does work.  Into a way of living that is beautiful.  

Here's to finding new uses and new purposes.  

grace.

Wings

Having wings as a middle aged woman is not an angelic thing.  It's more like an "oh, I can't believe that is happening to me."  You know what I'm talking about.  Those biceps that keep on flying when the rest of the arm has ceased moving.  Well, I have the cure.  It's sanding and waxing and refinishing furniture.  It tightens those muscles right up.  However....it's kinda nice having wings.  Always good for a laugh.  And who knows, I might even find that I'm able to fly one of these days.
Life is full of those little aggravating things that happen.  That can be troublesome.  OR they can be made into possibilities.  Depending on what I choose.  Or you choose.
I choose my wings...to remind me that I am born to fly.
blessings.

Finding the Beauty

I am a scavenger of the beautiful.  But, oftentimes, others wouldn't really see it's beauty.  It's something looking all used up.  At the end of it's life.  Not stylish.  Full of dings and dents.  But I see....potential.  I see the lines.  The skeleton.  The underlying quality.  The purpose that it has left for it's new chapter.
It's no wonder that I view furniture that way.  I view people that way too.  But, sometimes, I have trouble viewing myself that way.  I am wounded.  Beyond what I ever could have imagined.  And the more I look and face the truth, the more dents and dings I find.  But I am determined.  To work as I do with furniture.  Patiently.  Waiting.  Seeing what I see needs to be done next.  A little at a time.  Looking closely.  Leaving it out to examine it.  I have to do that with myself.  Sometimes I just want to hide.  But I have been trying to talk to people.  To say what I think.  To learn what yet needs to be done to make the dings beautiful.  Because the Author had a plan.  Not to harm me  But to provide a future.  And a hope.  I trust that.  Because I trust Him.
I find beauty.  In the oddest of places.  And I work to bring forth the amazing gift that is inside each piece.  It seems weird to say that it speaks to me.  When I get still.  Quit worrying what everyone might want to see.  And see what it needs to be.  According to me..   Then, I can work effectively.  Joyfully.  With pleasure.  I am so conditioned to try to please to try to keep things ok to do what he wants....that this has been a good learning exercise for me.
Hope that you are finding beauty in your day.  Even in unexpected places.
blessings.

Perhaps

I can't plan my life.  I can look forward.  I can hope.  But plans are not possible.  Unless they are God's plans.  Because His plans stand.  Forever.  And He plans for my good.  For the purpose He planned for me since the beginning of time.  And He didn't plan for my life to be a performance.  Nor an effort to get a good grade.  He planned for me to live and move and have my very being in Him.  And to use my life to declare His goodness, grace and mercy.
Perhaps is the best I can do as far as plans.  Perhaps I will.....
And perhaps is good enough.  Because I know the One who has the plan.  And I'm ok.
grace.

There Is Power In The Blood | Mahalia Jackson

There is Power In the Blood ~ Fernando Ortega

Living Proof

He surrounds me.  Hems me in.  There is nowhere that I can flee from God's presence.  Because running away from Him is impossible.  He goes with me.  Goes before me.  Knows my thoughts and my fears before I think or have them.  And He is not put off by my weakness nor my pain.  He understands it.  He knew me before I was born.  He loved me before I was named.  He doesn't just look down at me, He stays with me.  And takes me with Him.  Hard for me to comprehend.  But easy for me to know....because I have experienced it.
Life is hard.  Like a war that is raging.  Battles on every front.  And this soldier is tired.  Can barely hold her sword.  Her armor needs repair.  She needs a break in the battle to regroup and refresh.  And He gets that too.  He is for me.  Not against me.  He lifts up my head.  He holds me in the palm of His hand.
And He sits with me during the long nights.
I am living proof.  Of His faithfulness.
Look....I survived.  To see another day begin.
blessings.

headache

it has been a long while.  i am diligent about the things i know that cause my migraines.  but, i should have felt this one coming on this week.  thinking back....i knew.  i just didn't put it together.  too much else on my mind.  that was what pushed me over...the too much else.
so, i got up.  i'm doing my "routine."  the good thing is that it's a wake up call for me.  this stress IS destroyingme.  living in dread.  constantly knowing that i need to filter or curb what i feel, want or think.  i didn't used to do that in my life.  now it comes so normally.  and i am battling against it.  battling to be free.  the battle was won.  yet here i am.  still a soldier.  He fought for me so that i can fight now.  not with words or to win about an idea.  but so that life itself can be won.  lived.  freely.
a headache is not a good thing.  unless it serves as a reminder.  a wakeup.  what has been happening over the years might have been silent to everyone else.  unseen.  but, my body itself has known.  has rebelled.  and i need to listen and remember how to take care of it.
the stress level is high.  feel like i should get one of those fire danger signs.  except that fire has already broken out.
funny how the headache has reminded me and given me hope.  That i don'tneed or have to live like i have.  that there is something better.  and i can make it until then.  i've made it through many nights.  usually all on my own.
i'm going to be just fine.
grace.

In peace. In Him. He promises.

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe.

Trying So Hard

What is so hard for me tonight is the trying so hard to live and to thrive and to feel like the rug is constantly being pulled out from under me.  Has felt that way for far too long.
I am just so knocked down by it tonight.  Feels like failing in what I am trying to do....and not only in my marriage.  Like I'm not living a productive happy life but needy and troubled.
I stay on top of it.  I fight back against it.  Music.  Prayer.  But is troubles me to be hurting so much when I'm trying so very hard.
This is tough.

Rough Night

I do pretty well most of the time now.  Well...ok, maybe not WELL, but at least passable.  Not tonight.  Something about getting emails.  And that he put off moving for a week.  And that makes it right by Easter.  And wondering if he's talking to my friend.  What he means by wanting to stay friends with them.  And his email talks about what he needs for the place....which remains mysterious.....untold.  But the things he needs...like I am supposed to get it together for him?  I already made a list of all of the things he could take.  Of course, he says he needs a nighstand....and would rather have a loveseat than the chairs.  Things I asked to keep.  They were few.  But those are the things he mentions.  He has never taken what is offered but always wants what isn't. Talk about stressed.  He will move out the Saturday before I start working my second job on Monday.  No time for us to get settled in.
And to top it off....I am shut down.  Having trouble interacting because he's around.  He did nothing to get our son here.  Didn't even suggest the possibility.  Didn't even give it a second thought.  But acts all like he deserves the time and attention.
I'm awake.  I want to just go to the car and.....that's the thing...and what?  Drive the night away?  I'm so tired.  Yet so awake.  Bad combo.
I had set myself to make it a week....now it's two.  And somehow I am getting sucked into figuring out his "needs" for his space.  Think I'll hit craigslist and the goodwill.
blaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
I know this time will end.  It just keeps dragging out.  And I'm always hitting the next disappointment even when I have done and said the hard things.  I don't get how it never helps.
My whole self feels shattered.  He has wrecked me in ways I can't even begin to describe.  And then he just walks around acting like it's all good and look what he's doing.  If he cared...he'd have already have gone.  He'd give me the space I have needed.  He'll do it eventually because he has to.  Court on Monday.  But, somehow it holds less meaning when I've had to do so much to get him to do it.
I need comfort.  I am alone.  Kinda.  It's not my kids' job.  It's my job.  Self soothing.  But it's hard to find a way when I am so distressed with him here.  The things I would normally do I can't.  I even write waiting for him to walk in.  To get his chocolate milk.  Or whatever.
Gonna stop now.  Nerve wracking.  Of course, laying here in the dark isn't doing much for me either.
grace.

Leave

He comes in.  I could go.  But what am I supposed to do?  Sleep in my car?  Oh yeah, I don't even have a car.  Or perhaps I could spend the money I won't have come the first to rent a hotel room.  I could go visit my mom but that would be kinda permanent.  He knows it.  And he stays.  And he comes when I'm here.  And now he's acting all fatherly with the kids.  Totally different than before he was told to leave.  Before I served the papers.  What a jerk.  Actually, I wish that I could go sleep somewhere and just actually sleep.  Not have to wonder or stay "asleep" when I'm ready to get up or lie down when I want to be up.
I'm not wanting to leave....I want HIM to leave.  To quit acting like he couldn't have already have done it.  He acts like he's doing something while continuing these months to destroy me.  If I don't vomit tonight, I'll be stunned.
I hate this.

Writing vs. Talking

I write here about anything and everything.  It helps me to get rid of the garbage.  But it doesn't build relationships.  It doesn't help me to learn to share with those who care about me.
Tonight I am a mess.  I am shakier than usual.  Tummy hurts.  Horrible feeling.  Clenching teeth.  Troubled.  He has hurt me much more than anyone else ever has.  The ways boggle my mind.  Mess with it.
I want to be past this.  I want to actually live.  But it's like he just keeps trying to suck me into his thing.  Wants me to pray for him to get this place he applied for today.  And I want to say....I am pleading in prayer for you to get a place.  Nobody wants for you to get it more than me.  You can live in a car.  A trailer.  A tent.  I just wish you would do it.  Because this time of waiting is killing me.
And he's on his way home right now.  And I can barely take a breath.  Literally.  I go to sleep and wake up trying to avoid him.  But I don't really go to sleep because he scares me.  How he watches me.  Tries to pull me in.  Maybe he thinks he's being nice.  But how many times can I say that I need space that I need to get over how he has hurt me.
Shit.  Here he is.  All I can think is NOOOOOOOO.

Everywhere I Look

Everywhere I look the world is full of life.

All By Myself

Why lookie here
I made this
all by myself.
Took the photo.
Put it in my picasa folder.
Edited it.
Got it back to the blog.
Amazing.
That's me.
grace.

Nothing is Wrong. Everything is Hard.

Nothing is really wrong in my life.  Except for the fact that I can't get my husband out of the house.  And so I don't sleep well.  And this morning he was staring at me and waiting for me to say goodbye to him while I was sleeping.  But I opened my eyes when the front door opened...seeing as how I'm in the living room...and he waited for me to acknowledge him.  Say goodbye.  Notice him.  Shoot, I did the paperwork.  It says to quit bugging the other party after it has been served.  Yikes.
I haven't seen a check withdrawal for his rental.  So....who knows.
And my Easter plans?  Nothing is wrong.  I realized that what has happened with more people coming and all is something that wasn't anyone's fault.  Probably not planned.  It's just that.....I'm worn out from the constant stuff.  I just wanted to chill and not have to worry or wonder or whatever.  My friends are good people.  Even if they don't stay in my life they aren't people that I would consider not my friends....just people who decided to go a different way.
It's a hard time.  I'm cold most of the time.  I can cry at the drop of a hat.  And I feel like there's nobody that I should be turning to.  God.  And that's ok.  He's enough.  But it makes me wonder how life is going to be.  Nonetheless....I'd rather it be that way than how it is with my husband in it.  I am stunned by how much he has hurt me.  And how he won't respect the fact that by pushing my boundaries incessantly, he exacerbates the problem.
I think I need to rest more this week.  I've been working hard....and not getting much done.  Working on painting is healing, but HARD work.
grace

Wishing

This year is going to be hard.  And though I look forward to many things, I have to learn how to do things in a new way.  I am not having Easter this year.  It feels....odd.  And a little vulnerable, actually.  And I wish that I had kept it at my house so that I could have more........certainty.  The people who know I am separating are limited, but at this event there will be most of them.  Some are kind.  Others simply don't hear me.  Don't want to hear what I am saying, but rather want to tell me what I should be doing.  I don't want the holiday to be about that.  I don't want to be "caught" alone or asked questions or any kind of intervention.  I want to be respected.  I really want to be understood, but I do realize that some people just won't or can't see.  And since I'm not going to lay out all of the grimy dirty details, I'm kind of stuck.
It's hard knowing that I've had friends for a long time that assume that I wouldn't have tried as hard, as long, as many different ways as I could.  That they wouldn't realize that I would have made it through to this point just by prayer and trying to make it work.  Force it, when all else failed.  But, I can't live the rest of my life that way.  Well, actually, I guess that I could.  But I choose not to.  And there is the trouble.  That I'm not willing to do so forever.  There are some who believe it to be unchristian.  I can forgive.  I can't live with him.
So, the day that I was really looking forward to is now tainted...though still good...there's that doubt in my mind and heart.  And I'm wishing that it weren't.  I'm wishing that people could just love me.
I'm kinda sad right now.  Feels like it' going to be a long road.  My kids really need these get togethers.  They have been missing it.  And I like to do it.  I find it good for all.  But now, somehow, I feel like I'm too hurt already and I'm not sure that I can take any more people who are unsupportive.  Or unkind without meaning to be.
Hard times pass.  So, I will wait for these to go by.  And in the meantime, I will learn to love myself and understand myself and be kind to myself.  Even when others are disappointed in me.  I am good at standing for others.  Encouraging.  Now I need to do the same for me.  I am worth hearing.  Worth understanding.  Worth loving.
And though some walk away....that is their choice.  And, with others, I will walk away.  That will be my choice.  Because I am not going to spend lots of time with people who tear down.  Who cause me grief.  I get to choose.  And I am choosing to be with people who might not agree with me but who will care about me anyway.
blessings.

Process

I am painting a cabinet.  First, I had to gt rid of all of the peeling off veneer.  Then, I had to sand.  And sand.  And sand.  Then I cleaned it.  Vacuumed.  Wiped it down.  Then I painted a coat.  And another.  And another.  Green.  Blue.  Green.  Blue.  Think french decor colors of green and blue.  Then, finally, I began with the white.  So far, I have ten coats of paint.  I am currently waiting for it to dry so that I can sand it and paint white again.  Each step along the way, it looked SO pretty.  After several coats of the green and blue it had the most amazing look....and, I wanted to stop.  But, it was supposed to be white.  So, I picked up the brush to begin "whitewashing" over my pretty finish.  It was so hard.  I did a light coat to get it going.  Then another.  Then another.  Finally, it's nearly solid white.  And it's pretty.  And the colors underneath will show through.  And will keep the white from being all yellowed from the old dry wood and stain that was soaked into the wood.  They have purpose, those pretty layers underneath.
Just like experiences and places along my way in life.  And sometimes, I want to stop there.  To linger there.  But, I need to continue on to the goal.  To get to where I am intended to be.  Not held back by being afraid that it will be different or not as pretty.  It will be pretty in a whole new,unique way.
blessings.

Food

Words are like food to me.  They sustain me.  Kind words.  Encouragement.  Someone just taking the time to talk.  It's nourishing to my soul.
And when I am filled up, it's great...because it's non-fattening.;)  The thing is that sometimes words are hurtful.  And they are like poison to me.  They eat away at my soul.
So, I have to learn how to spit out the bad.  Not ingest it.  Label them with a skull and crossbones.  Put them in a brown bottle and put them out of sight.
But, sometimes, I am like a child, just drinking in whatever I see (or hear).  And it causes problems.  Because words are so important to me.
But I am learning.  Watching my diet.  Watching where I go to "eat".  Being wiser.  Keeping me safe.  Giving myself the best chance to thrive.  To heal.  To grow strong.
blessings.

Transformation

The first coat
provides the first
proof of what is to come.
The point is....
don't stop there.
It's much better
when it is COMPLETE.
Whole.
Just like us.
Made complete.
In Him.

For I Know The Plans I Have For You

It all begins with chipping
away what is ruined
warped
unusable.

And continues with
seeing the beauty and the lines
the flaws and blemishes.
The overall potential..
Adding to it
to complement
not to destroy.
Just wait.
It's a work in progress.
Just like me.

The odds are......meaningless.

Painting

I am not an "artiste".  Go ahead, pronounce it the french way....it's fun. But I have artistic tendencies that beg to be let out to play quite often.  I find joy in painting.  No, now stop thinking Michelangelo and think.....Tim the Toolman Taylor.  I know.  Quite the picture.  Me with my "tools" of the trade.  Dressed in my best work clothes.  Shaking paint cans.  Painting layer after layer.  Sanding.  Redoing.  Letting it sit.  Coming back to it.  Seeing a new possibility.  All on furniture.
I love giving new life.  It makes me feel inspired.  Filled up.  Overflowing.  It is an outward expression of what I feel He has done for me.  Not just covered over, but made beautiful.  Not thrown out, but made more valuable.
I am in a very precarious spot these days.  I totter.  But I don't tumble.  Just like a Weeble.  I wobble, but I don't fall down.  Because I am held.  And not only held, but cherished.  And made beautiful.  And useful.  And like I do with the furniture, He makes  my dings and damage look....inspiring....hopeful.....a message to those coming behind that it's never too late and the damage is never permanently ugly.
blessings.

Woke Up This Morning

Woke up this morning remembering what a gift life is.  How easy it is to get beaten down or battered around.  How easy it is to forget what a treasure of possibility each day, each breath, holds.  I am far from being healed.  But I am in the process of being healed.  I have not arrived, but I have bothered to get on the road.  And that has taken courage.
I don't know what this day holds.  Or the ones that come after.  Except that I know that they are full of love, adventure,  kindness and mystery.  New mercies.  Every day.  Even for me.  Though I tremble and totter,  sigh and speculate.  I am never separated from His love.  Ever.
Nor are you.
blessings.

Can't Steal My Dreams

I try so hard
to squish my dreams
to hold them back
tethered
i've been taught well
that my dreams
are not supposed to come true
that they are frivolous
dumb
irresponsible
and yet....
dream i do.
in living color
can't wait to see them come true.

Calm

The beginning of my evening was rough.  Yet, now...though I came home to my husband still being up....I am calm.  I am blessed by so many good things.  So many amazing people.  I have moments when I am completely overwhelmed by the dread and fear of so much loss and so much responsibility.  And then I remember that my responsibility always remains the same.  Trust.
I had a good night.  In the midst of my struggling.  Intense struggling.  Because there are so many things I want to do right and it feels like I am not....but at some point, I relaxed.  I was just me.  Just being me.  And it was ok.  Because I am loved.  Not always truly loveable.  Sometimes truly a pain in the behind.  But still....and evenso....loved.  Comfort in that.
grace.

Give Good. Get Good.

No, not karma.  Not even "what goes around comes around."  No, there's something about the action of doing good that brings healing and good feelings.  I love it.  It fills me up.  Not like the kind of thing where you are trying to earn points or something like that.  No, I mean just doing something that helps someone else and how it helps you too....how it calms and fills and comforts.
I have had a rough few days.  My grandma passed away on this day....and normally it's no biggie.  But this year it is harder.  I think because I miss having my mom.  I miss having an older, wiser woman in front of me in my family.  Now, frankly, my grandma was not nurturing nor comforting.  I don't think it's that she died.  Though, I do miss her.  It's more a sense of loss.  Of having lost so much.  Of knowing how much more there is to lose.
But although I am not so wonderfully chipper, I am happier.  I am feeling like I am getting to a plateau where I'll get to rest a little bit at least.  Some time with him away.
Tonight was hard at first.  I left the house on my son's first night home because I gave it to his dad.  He had told me what night's he was busy...my husband....and how he would try to be home tonight to spend time.  He is.  They are all still watching movies.  I did that already once this weekend, and I just didn't have enough in me to do it again.
But I had a good night.  A filling night.  A calming night.  Once I just let go of the feeling that I "should" be able to handle it  That I "should" do it for my kid.  I will spend a lot of time with him.  I had a couple of hours of one on one today.  I'm going to let go of shoulds and just figure out what I can really do.
It's hard.  But I'm getting there.  A little at a time.
grace to you.

This is Almost Too Good To Imagine

by erin leigh

Take great delight?  In me?  Not just tolerate?  Wow.  He won't just stay because He is committed?  Just because He's trying to look good?  Because He DELIGHTS in me?   I absolutely love the word delight....it reminds me of dancing in a warm rainstorm.  Of twirling in a pretty dress.  Of tip toeing through fields of flowers.  I get filled up just remembering again....He.  DELIGHTS.  In ME.  Not in what I do.  Or accomplish.  Or how I behave.  In the "me"ness of me.
And.....I sit here, like a warm shower pouring over me.  Comforting.  Strengthening.  Soaking it in.  A reminder for every day.  Not only of His great love, but of His delight.
blessings.
this was on flickr.com ;)  and i stole it from a friend.  the artist is erin leigh.  really good, huh?

Running

I have learned something in the last couple of years.  It's best not to be running FROM something but to something.  Because there has to be a goal.  Or you might spend your whole life being afraid and running.  I got to thinking about this because I see so many people going from thing to thing to thing.  Person to person to person.  Never happy.  Never satisfied.  And I determined that I don't want to BE that person.  I want to be the person that finds happiness and wholeness, joy and prosperity in where I am as well as where I am going.  I want to be traveling on a journey...and adventure.  But not a meaningless, pointless, undirected adventure.  And, not the tour guided, absolutely safe, no choices, stand and listen to someone else tell me what to look at and what I should notice either.  I want to have a goal.  A direction.  A hope.  And while pursuing it, I want to be free to wander, grow and take my time enjoying little goals along the way.  For instance, I love going to the Oregon coast.  It takes quite a long time.  I like that aspect.  I like that there are places and events along the way.  That every time I go, it's different.  Same goal.  Different experience.  So, I want to be running toward something that is uniquely me.  Moving forward in a direction that gets me where God has always intend that I be.  But I don't want to do it in a rigid "I must get this far by this time or else" kind of way.  Because life is for learning.  And growing.  And enjoying.  And meandering.  Life is for living.  Not for achieving.  Strangely, the biggest "achievements" of my life have simply been a part of my journey.  Relationships.  Events.  Moments.  Memories.  Experiences.  Things that I could never have imagined nor conjured up in my mind.
So, I am running.  Toward a life full of giving.  Of writing.  Of joy.  Of kindness.  Of surprises.  Of learning.  Of reflecting.  Of resting.  Of working.  Of taking the time to BE.
I have spent so long holding someone else up, trying to make everything ok, that it was as if when I wanted anything for myself that I had to be running away.  No more.  Now I am going to live purposefully.  Planning.  Hoping.  Looking.  Creating.  And then enjoy the journey towards those plans and hopes.  It won't look anything like I imagine.  Yet, it will be perfect.
blessings.

Auction Healing

Some people have to go bar hopping.  Others pop pills.  Still others go hang gliding or parachuting.  Me, I went to the auction.  Today was that kind of day.  A day where there was too much input and not enough time to process.  A day when I wanted to just be able to do what I wanted but there was someone else around.  But then, there was a friend.  And then...there was an auction.  The day turned out really well.  Totally so.
Who knew that auctions could be healing?
blessings.

Best of Both Worlds

Well, for now, he is getting the best of both worlds.  He shows up to eat meals.  Yes, he hovered around here today again.  We had roast and taters.  Then I took the potatoes out and put water in the pan to cook the rest of the roast long so that I can make barbeque beef tomorrow.  Then, I left for an auction.  I had cleaned the kitchen beautiful last night.  Loaded and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher.  Washed all of the pans.  Counters.  Cupboards.  I cooked last night.  Well...kinda.  Easy cooking.  I cooked today.  I went out.  I had to come home at 10 at night and put away food.  I had already put the potatoes in tupperware but not in the fridge earlier because they were hot.  Seriously?  And I had texted to turn off the roast...but it was pretty well done and still in the pan.  That's ok, it's tender enough.  But what I don't get is why his newspaper is spread all around the counters.  And why no dishes get done.  And why he doesn't clean if he is eating?  I mean, I thought that he was going to give me Sundays.  Hmm.  But he won't unless I say to him and look like a terrible person in front of the kids.  He's getting a pretty sweet deal.  I hope that he realizes it.
Of course, I was a tad ticked off to come home to a horribly messy kitchen.  Oh well.  Tomorrow is a new day.
grace to you.

No regrets.

Posted by the high strung homemaker on facebook.  Isn't it hysterical?  Love the outfit.  I'd not want the cigar...but maybe I should try one once.  It totally makes me smile.
Hope it speaks to you too.
blessings.

Looking Back

Recently I have gone back to the beginning of my blog to see where I started.  And what's interesting is....I still feel the same way.  I finally know what is true.  I finally understand what his behaviors have done...to me.  Yes, I understood that he was sorry.  Or that he said so,  but what I had to understand is that his behavior HURT me.  It changed my life.  Over and over.  But the other thing I've realized is that I've forgiven.  And am in the process of forgiving day to day.  It's hard to forgive with him in the house.  Because it makes me vulnerable.  But, still, it's who I am.  So, I've been working on that hard thing.  Though it leaves me vulnerable.  And though I have to work hard to remember why I am here.
I have looked back.  There is hard stuff.  And...there is good.  All together.  And both are a part of me.  Of my story.  Of my future.  But how they play out in my future is up to how I choose to live.
And I choose peace.  And joy.  And love.  And kindness.  And growing up.
grace to you.
be blessed today.

grace. to me.

I give grace to my kids all of the time.  Mercy too.  I freely choose to give gifts that are unmerited, unearned.  And, I often withhold punishment when it is really due.  I tell them what should happen and why I'm doing something else.  I love my kids with a fiery passion that I never knew existed.  I mean, I've loved people all of my life, but this is intense and deep.  But, I love differently than some.  I love with the absolute knowledge and constant fact in mind that they do not belong to me.  That they are their own and God's.  That my job is to help them to fly.  Away.  From me.  That's tough.  But, it's good.  And right.  Because if I love well, we will always be bonded by that.  Because their love will mature into more understanding as they grow up.  And, if I've let go, they will be able to turn and hold on as much as they choose to instead of constantly feeling like they are trying to get my fingers unwrapped from around them.
So, it's easy to give them grace.
And it's easy to give my friends grace.  Because I know them.  Like them.  Love them.  Want their very best.  Love to see them smile.
And I am learning to have that grace for myself.  A little bit.  I didn't make it into the church today.  I was going to be alone.  And, I just was too overwhelmed by all that has been going on.  So, I decided to give myself grace.  To come to my quiet home and cook lunch and just be still.  To not push myself on this day.  I've pushed hard all week.
Yesterday, the hardest thing I heard was from the teacher and the people there....that friends will not remain mutual.  I despise that.  But I heard what they were saying and why.  That there are loyalties.  That people are threatened by break ups because they might be contagious.  That there are hurts and gossip and difficulty in being loyal to both.  I get it.  But, it is at the core of why I've had to give myself grace today.  Because it is a different kind of grief.  These people are more than simply friends.  They have been my family.  And a part of me wonders....who will stay?  with me?  And it tears me apart to feel like I am letting them down and somehow making them choose.  But this I know...they have lots of friends.  They will be ok.  And I will too.  It's just a painful time.  A wondering time.  A getting through time.  And I can.  Because I don't walk alone.
with love. grace.

Grief Process

Yesterday, the woman who was teaching us about how to co-parent was very....wise.  She taught more about how to learn again to be you.  How to learn how to function.  How to grieve.  How to get yourself to a new place.  A safe place.  Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.  She understood about prayer and the spiritual journey as well.  I am thankful for the class I ended up in.  It was just where I needed to be.
The thing is that he is not really about co-parenting.  He just needs to learn how to be their dad.  In his own way.    To have his own relationship.  And though he doesn't view this as kind or loving, it is a gift that I am attempting to give him.  Before it's too late.  The gift of actually being a father.  Not just by birth, but to be esteemed as a father.
And she spoke of the grief process yesterday.  And suddenly things were clearer for me.  I have been grieving for years.  Moving through the steps.  Denial.  Anger.  Bargaining.  Depression.  Acceptance.  The stages are rather fluid for me...and I can find myself right back in the process at any stage just because something triggers it.  But, overall, I have come to a point of acceptance.  A place of understanding that what I hoped for, wanted to be, tried to have.....isn't a reality.  Of seeing that sometimes someone else is doing the best that he can with what he has to work with but that he can still be really hurtful.  And it's not his job to be sure that I'm in a safe place getting my needs met.....it's mine.   So, in accepting has come responsibility.  My responsibility.  To change.  To move on.  To quit staying on the merry go round and acting like it's someone else's fault.
But I also realized afresh that while I have been grieving for so long....he is still relatively new to it.  He is just beginning to face the hard things.  To understand that life is going to change.  That things weren't ok.  That they aren't ok.  And that it's time to own it.  Admit it.  And do what he needs to do to be the best dad possible.
I heard people talk yesterday about their situations.  Some were very amicable.  Some very volatile.  But pain was a part of every single one.  One man's wife had just remarried.  And he is shaken.  Afraid that he will be replaced.  How painful.  Whether you are a good parent or even a mediocre parent.  When you love your kids, you don't want to be replaced.
But the thing I learned the most is that now is the time to go ahead and let go.  Let him live his life as he chooses.  With his own fears and strengths.  Own decisions.  Make a safe place for the kids.  A safe place to talk.  To know they are loved.  And let him be responsible for what he does with that at his place.  Because letting go reduces conflict.  And conflict is what harms kids.  Having two homes can be fine.  If we make it fine.  If we are loving to them.  If they are not pawns.  And we can be good examples.
The other thing I learned....second marriages are twice as likely to end in divorce as first marriages!  Stunning to me.  But, she taught about that too.  What people can do.  What they SHOULD do.  To not repeat a pattern.  She talked about self reflection and how we learn about our inside selves when we live experiences outside.  And that we need to look at what we are doing on the outside so that we understand more fully the inside.  That's me. :)  It made me feel validated.  Understood.  Though she didn't know me.  We didn't talk.  She is in a position of authority and she got what I have felt.  The journey that I have been on the last several years.
If I were to stay here, I would stay in the grief process.  But the anger stage would continue to increase.  It's time to accept it for real.  To grow up and put on my big girl panties and figure out how I should be living.  Because this isn't it.  And while that makes me sad, it also feels good to finally understand it.  It makes me feel less crazy.
grace.

Oh, I Love It.

Go for it.

I really like Happiness In Your Life.  They have a facebook page and a website.  It's a real pick me up. Doe has pictures and quotes that are good reminders for me to live the life that God has planned for me.  Like going for my dreams.
Hope you check it out.
blessings.

Here at last.

The time is coming that he is moving out.  He plans on having his place by the beginning of the month.  Of course, he is renting out a room in a house and not a home or apartment, but I've realized that those are his choices.  And it doesn't really matter what he chooses.  He can make a place with the kids.  Or not.  Still, it's his choice.
It made me feel like he was trying to make me feel badly still.  About money.  About where he would have to be living.  But I realized that it doesn't have to make me feel that way.  I can thank him and let him do what he chooses without viewing it as to how it affects me.  Or the kids.  Because those are his decisions and his plans.  And they can like or not like.  He's still their dad.  He and they will figure that part out.
Letting go.  Accepting.  Breathing.  All important.  So important.
So, here's to a new month coming with new adventures...both scary and exciting....awaiting.
blessings.

Co-Parenting For Life

Yep, that's the title of the three hour class that I had to take today.  It wasn't that it wasn't good.  It's just that if people could do all of the things that they are talking about....well, perhaps they wouldn't be parting.  I know the premise is that conflict is what harms children.  I agree wholeheartedly.  It's not having two homes.  If they have one good parent to love them and take care of them, they are ok.  If they have two in two homes they are ok.  Kids can function if adults keep their roles.
I'm tired tonight...perhaps it was the "for life" part that wore me out.  Really?  Is it a life sentence?  Yikes.  Hate that thought.
grace to you.

Rae Smith says it right.....sometimes getting to the bottom or falling apart is actually the best place to be.  If we take advantage of the opportunity to grow and change and learn.
I am learning and growing.  It's hard....and it's....refreshing.
blessings.

Birthdays

Today, my grandma would have been 93 years old....or 95 if you take what she put on her form when she applied to work for the federal government when she wasn't 21 and needed to be.  ;)  And it's two days from when she died.  Eight years ago.  Wow.  There are times that it is like yesterday that I sat in that room that night. Waiting.  Knowing she was leaving.  Realizing that she really was going to die without telling me that she didn't despise me as much as she had said at the end.  How sad.  For her.  Sometimes I wonder if she got to those last moments when she couldn't communicate anymore and had that realization.  It's ok now.  I know she loved me as best as she could.  Because I was a constant, painful reminder to her of my mother who died when I was five.  A person she loved with her whole heart.  Who was stylish and coordinated while I was not.  But now,  being a mom, I know that she just simply could never let go of the grief that she and my mom were not getting along when my mom died.  And that's harsh.  And painful beyond understanding.  I understand more.  And though I wish she could have gone on and seen me for who I was, simply understanding has allowed healing.
Happy birthday grandma.
grace.

The Cold War

A war is a war.  That is what I have learned.  Whether it is fought outwardly and physically or whether it has moved to a "cold" stage where it is done with manipulation and fear tactics.  Implied or real threats.  Last night, as I lay trying to sleeep but startled awake by footsteps.  Knowing he was coming here.  Not knowing when.  Skittish.  Edgy.  Needing to relax, but on high alert.  Tired, but fearful of going to sleep.  I remembered how long I've actually been like this.  Since before I left our room.  Used to feign sleep on the edge of the bed.  Fearful.  Weary of  being manipulated to do things I didn't want to do and things that hurt me.......and just as weary of being made to feel like the wrong one for saying no.  Being made to feel guilty.  Being forced to comfort.  To keep the peace.
This Cold War is difficult.  It's too tricky.  Too hard to understand.  I don't need tricks.  I've said what I need.  I've asked nicely.  I've asked not nicely.  I've asked calmly.  I've asked not calmly.  I've TOLD instead of asked.  To no avail.  Because I don't like the idea of an all out war and he knows it.  He holds me hostage using our children.  And to a degree, our friends.  Suddenly ingratiating himself.  Suddenly behaving differently.  And I'm thankful for the kids' sake.  Even if it is in an effort to win something...to win this Cold War with me.  To keep me in the battle.  But Iwant out.  My weapons are of no use if I don't intend to use them.  And...frankly....Ijust want a peaceful life.  I want to live without constant battling of either sort.  The problem is that I have to stay strong long enough to get through this part.
And I'm weary.  Just want him to finally DO it.  To hear me and trust that when I say that I need something that it's true.  But for some reason, it is never allowed to be about me.  And I have to absolutely remind myself every day that while it's not all about me, it's not wrong to allow myself to have needs, hopes, dreams, feelings.  He hates my feelings.  Makes me feel weak for having them.  They aren't "logical".  I am logical as well.  But I also have feeling needs.  That is just.........how I roll. ;)
grace to you.

Filling People Up

The house phone rang.  It was my husband.  Asking if the boys are home.  One is.  He is really looking for the other one.  To apologize that he isn't going to be home until very late again.  Other one isn't here.  They have cell phones.....easy enough to reach.  Didn't ask about our daughter.  And I realized that he probably isn't even aware that our other son flies in on monday.  Because he didn't think to try to work it out.  Or make it possible.  Because he doesn't understand about filling people up.
My son that goes to college far away is thoughtful and kind.  He is truly a homebody.  Being away is hard for him.  He does it one day at a time.  And a week.  And then a month.  He really wanted to come home for break.  But he understood when it cost so much.  He was kind.  His roommate had invited him to go home with him....and work ten hour days.  For free.  He was willing.  He was nice about it.  But he said....I just got paid.  I could pay half.  And I looked until I found a way that together we could make it happen.  And today he said, "I get to be home a week to fill me up to get me through the last of the semester."  It still brings tears to my eyes.  Because I'm glad that I am more careful again....that I listen to my own heart and mind.....and that I choose what fills them up.  No, one person can't do everything to fill another up.  And, to some degree, people are each responsible for finding for themselves what fills them up.  But, on the other hand, it is the moments when people make something possible, see our deepest need or hope and fill it....that we feel loved.   That we know that we have been noticed and cherished enough to cause a change or an event or a choice by the other person.  I heard that from my son.  He is so very happy.  The end of this week,  he was more chipper.  More able to focus.  Knowing that he was coming home. Not that we do anything grand or anything.  Just because it's home.  I love that.  He's my kid that was happy walking around the yard swinging a stick for hours when he was young.  Or jumping on a trampoline....yes, for hours.  He doesn't require much.  It could make it easy to miss the opportunity to fill him up.  Guess that is  how  I've been in my marriage.  Except....I don't think he has ever looked for those moments.  To fill me up.  Or his kids.  He doesn't get it.  Doesn't get that people have all different things that make them feel loved.  My kids sure do.  Totally unique...each one.  And it's tricky.  But....it's absolutely fulfilling to hit it right.  To let them know that I see them.   That they are special.  Cared for.  Understood.  Yes, I tell them that I love them all of the time.  In many ways.  But it's those special moments when I know that I've touched their hearts that I am certain that they have heard me....REALLY heard.
And....it's hard for me to realize that my kids get it and my husband doesn't.  That they see me too.  And do the same for me.  It's back and forth.  We care about each other.  We show it by doing the things that make the others more comfortable or happier.  It blesses me to see them learning it.
Hope that you are getting filled up.  That you are doing good self-care.  That you are allowing others to see you and pour into your life.  And that you are doing the same for others.  It's healthy.  It's life changing.
blessings

Trying Hard

Ok, I'm going to be trying hard.  Harder not to lean so much.  Harder to stay not depend on others to make a place for me when I'm losing my mind.  Actually, I'm going to be trying to not lose my mind....and instead find another way.
I realized today again how many years I've had to cheerlead.  How long I've had to make sure that he felt like everything was going to be ok.  I was thinking about a specific trip and remembering how stressful it was to just try to relax.  Kids were so excited to be there, but nothing was right, we had to rush and rush and make sure that we didn't spend money.  It was stressful.  It was the norm.
And how many times my kids have waited while we had to fight about something stupid...and I would be saying, "we just need to get to the kids...." and hours would go by.
Today I read about when it's time to divorce on a circle of moms website....and they talked about how peace and happiness and calm is more important to children than two parents in the same house.  I agree.  I think that the damage comes from the bickering and fighting and unhealthiness.  I have tried so hard to hold together a family.  But I can only be a mom....not a mom and a dad.
I have to go to my "co-parenting for life" class tomorrow.  And it makes me chuckle.  Because we have never co-parented.  Not like books talk about.  He expects me to parent and make sure everything is covered and that his part is to jump in when it's convenient.  But that attitude creates resentment.....from kids and from me. Because we are supposed to get along and make it just fine on our own unless he decides that he wants to take part.
I am not sure when he'll leave.  I hope that it's soon.  He doesn't email about it anymore.  He's mad that I pushed it last week....well, irritated.  He's coming home late and leaving early.  But he doesn't get that I'm still in a hyper sensitive mode awaiting, not knowing if or when he'll show up.  It troubles me. But I want to try to get past this.  Not to let him stay.  But to decide for me how to behave.  It's really hard.  I pretty much shut down.  Shake.  Can't function.  When he's around.  Forcing me to say, "good bye, have a nice day."  It's.....weird.  Because it's false.  It's not that I don't hope that he has a nice day.  It's just that I need time to get better.
I think about the upcoming holiday celebration and for some reason I think that it will be ok.  I think that I can cope with that.  Enough distraction to keep me from having to interact.  And it's so important for the kids....mine and the others that always come....to have something normal.  To feel like they have people around that love them.  I don't want them to feel like they will be giving that up.  That worries me.  So, it's another thing that I'll be trying hard to address.
So, co-parenting....would be an interesting idea.  But since I signed his parenting plan which basically says that I always have the kids unless he can make some time with work and all.....I'm kinda thinking that it's single parenting.  And I'm good with that.  Because not having him around to second guess and criticize will be a step in the right direction.
I'm trying hard to face the next four years in this house too.  It may feel a lot better once he's gone.  Maybe.  There's a lot to do to keep it up.  I don't like that part.  But.....at least I will get to choose what to do.  And how it should look when things are done.
Trying hard.  To do all of these things and be strong.  But the thing is that I still know that there are people who care if I fall down.  Who will help me back up.  I'm just a little bit tired of feeling like a bother. Ok, really tired.  I like it better when life is more.....equitable.  When it's not all about me losing my sanity.  One day.......
it's going to be the norm again.  I know it.  And I know that I'm pushing it to make it now.  Because he's still so present.  But, I've gotta start sometime.  And as it has always been in life....I can't choose for anyone else and I can't change anyone else.  Only myself.  So that is where I am starting.
Feels like the first day without training wheels.  Wobbly.  Heart racing.  Unsure.  But DETERMINED to get it.  Even though it means a few skinned knees and elbows.
I'm brave.  Very brave.  Even if it doesn't show much to those around me.  If they only knew how much terror I overcome just to spend an hour in the same house at the same time when there are no distractions.  It takes all of my effort.  But....I'm sure that I can just do it.  Or.....go to a bookstore.  And then I'm the only one who will know. ;)
grace to you.

Growing Up

I had to get closer to fifty than forty to finally feel like I'm BEGINNING to grow up.  I grew up once.  Went out on my own.  Paid my way.  Went to college.  Got jobs.  Moved.  Traveled.  Made relationships.  And then I got married.  And all Iknow is that it is just like I started over.  Trying to live  with this person who twists words and crushes my dreams.  And now I see something.  He did it with purpose....to keep me from feeling and acting like a grown up.  Maybe it scares him.  Maybe it makes him feel out of control.  I'm not sure why.  But, I do know that what it does is keep me in a little box where I can't outgrow him or make choices that might not be in his best interest.  He has never chosen my best interest.  Or my heart.  He tells me that the things that I want or hope for are irresponsible or out of line or dumb.  He belittles my dreams.  He hurts me deeply.  He harms me.  And now...I'm growing up for a second time in my life.  And knowing that I can get going again.  And that my dreams and hopes are a part of me that propel me forward.  Just like they did those years ago.  And I have to give them consideration.  While I am also responsible.  I don't have to be one or the other.  I can be both.  I AM both.
With Grace.

So Many Blessing

It's easy to take things forgranted.  To forget.  To not keep track.  Of every meal eaten.  Of every hour in a warm place.  Of a car to drive.  And gas to put in it.  And money to pay to buy the gas.  Of the privilege of going to the grocery store.  Of the beauty of a sunrise.  And a sunset.  Of the roar of the wind.  And the peaceful moments in the sunshine.  A child's hug.  A smile from a stranger.  Each moment.  Each breath.  Each look.  Each and every heartbeat.  For dreams.  For the possibility of dreams becoming reality.  For faith.  In a certain and for sure God.   For people to walk along the journey.  The ability to walk.  The ability to feel.  For joy.  Exuberant and true joy.  For peace.  Abiding and deep.  For being loved.  So much.  So many little events.  And big events.  It's beautifully wonderful.  We are held in blessing.
grace.  to you.

I Wonder

I wonder so many things.  I wonder when he'll leave.  Or if he'll leave.  I wonder where life will go from here.  For me.  I know that my kids will fly.  I wonder if my husband will ever figure out that life is absolutely about him in his mind and heart.  I wonder if I will sell this house.  Or change the room.  Or get a bed.  I wonder if I'll write my book.  I wonder if anyone would read it. I wonder if he'll ever understand how horrible it has been.  I wonder how much money I'm not going to have....:).  I wonder if I'll have any friends when it's all over.  I mean, any of these friends.  I wonder if I'll ever get to the point that I quit startling every time someone walks up.   I wonder when I'll figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I wonder.
But my wonder has changed from worry.  And for that I am happy.  I wonder, but I'm not in a panic.  I am resting in where I am and looking forward to what will come next.
Hope you are wondering in your life too.....it's kind of....exciting.

blessings.

mspy

Wow.  I just saw a referring url on my stats.  It was called "mspy".  So, being me, I looked it up.  It's a phone where you can monitor someone's emails, sim card etc.  Wow, really?  It says on the website "you can control your husband."  What does that mean?  Knowledge is power?  Anyone who is that deceiving or in a relationship that has gone to that level should know this little tidbit before they spend the hundred bucks.....it's over sweetie.  If you are so freaked out that you are going behind his back (ditto to husbands doing it) then the trust is GONE. Not going....gone.
And, why be so sneaky?  If you don't trust what they say or what they are doing....hmmm.  Well, do you really want to be in a relationship with them?  Just seems odd to me.  Controlling.  Yuck.  Just go ahead and say what you want and what you need.  See where that gets you.  Then make good choices on how to live your life.  But don't do it in a paranoid, sneaky, underhanded way.  There's a reason we can't read people's minds.  God is kind.  Because everything we think or jot down is not what we intend.
Still mind blown.
grace to you.

trust

This Evening

This evening I got to talk with a long time friend on facebook.  She was asking about how things were moving along.  I began to share with her about my two aunts' response.  She knows them.  Has for years.  She was surprised.  But she was kind to me.  She reminded me that they haven't lived my life.  That I do seek God's will in my life.  She was a comfort.  How nice that was.
And I've had the evening at home.  Got to shower and relax.  Admire my table in progress.  Just a little skittish.  Every time I hear a sound, I am afraid that he is coming home.  Not a good feeling.  But, hey, I made it a good day.
This evening was good.  Nice to feel like I got some things done.  I've been so checked out.  I even got the cobwebs that have been bugging me.  It's still pretty messy....but it's a start.
blessings.

Here's to figuring it out....

Sanding is Good For the Soul

Getting back to the things that fill me up is important.  And...while it seems weird, playing in the dirt while gardening and hand sanding and painting furniture top my list.  Well, right under writing.  I have sanded a table today.  Yes, by hand.  And I've even started painting it too.  I've been so inspired when I look up the beautiful pieces of french furnishings.  I know...white is not the fashion now.  Right?  But, give me crystals and shimmery stuff and mirrors and white furnishings.  I'm hooked.  Really hooked.  I stare around my living room and I see the bones for the beauty.  Kinda like my life.  Now, it needs some work.  Some adding.  Some taking away.
But the bottom line is.....both take work.  And the work....it's part of what makes ME beautiful.  It gives me time to pray  And think.  And revel in something I enjoy.  It allows me.......success.  Not on anyone else's meter.  Just mine.  It's refreshing.  Inspiring.  Hope bringing.
Who knew that a piece of sandpaper was full of joy, peace and hope?
blessings!