I made it through a gathering today....with husband there. I had a near panic attack on the way there, but managed to choke it back and go and be there. How he acts when around everyone. It is hard for me. How he is different. I ask for space. He makes his way to me.
It's hard to know that nobody knows how my life has been. How desperate it makes me feel now that I've allowed myself to pull out of the "routine". But I can't tell them. Can't figure out how I'm going to make it knowing that he plans on keeping all of my friends. Awkward doesn't begin to explain how I feel. Heartache? perhaps. But so much more. Knowing that it's not fair. That he has behaved in ways that have been harmful. More than just unkind. And yet....is going on to pretend all is fine. Like nothing is amiss. At one point he stood behind me as I was sitting on a table...possessively. And he knows that I won't make a scene in front of our kids. But he won't leave it be. At home he acts differently.
I'm too tired to really care what anyone thinks anymore. They can be his friend if they want to. Everyone gets to choose. That's how it is. I know that they can't understand. And I can't exactly say the things that I've been bullied into doing. So....I'm just going to have to figure out how to live with it.
Not sure how. But, I will do it. I'm sure that it will get better. Counting the years until graduation seems sad. And....still.....I am waiting for a time when he will have nobody to hold over me.
I am at the event feeling a weight on my chest. Wondering how to survive it. Knowing that I'm alone in my inability to breathe. Nobody to tell. No escape. And he throws on the sweet. And....I just can't. Can't fake it. Can't do it. I want real. I want healthy. I want to breathe. I don't want to be forced to do things that make me uncomfortable. I want to know that my words will be heard. I have a feeling that it's going to be a long road. And perhaps lonely. But....there's more than just survival. There's health. And healing. And learning. And being a testimony that some things are not ok.
But first....I have to survive. One event, one step, one day at a time.
blessings.
It's hard to know that nobody knows how my life has been. How desperate it makes me feel now that I've allowed myself to pull out of the "routine". But I can't tell them. Can't figure out how I'm going to make it knowing that he plans on keeping all of my friends. Awkward doesn't begin to explain how I feel. Heartache? perhaps. But so much more. Knowing that it's not fair. That he has behaved in ways that have been harmful. More than just unkind. And yet....is going on to pretend all is fine. Like nothing is amiss. At one point he stood behind me as I was sitting on a table...possessively. And he knows that I won't make a scene in front of our kids. But he won't leave it be. At home he acts differently.
I'm too tired to really care what anyone thinks anymore. They can be his friend if they want to. Everyone gets to choose. That's how it is. I know that they can't understand. And I can't exactly say the things that I've been bullied into doing. So....I'm just going to have to figure out how to live with it.
Not sure how. But, I will do it. I'm sure that it will get better. Counting the years until graduation seems sad. And....still.....I am waiting for a time when he will have nobody to hold over me.
I am at the event feeling a weight on my chest. Wondering how to survive it. Knowing that I'm alone in my inability to breathe. Nobody to tell. No escape. And he throws on the sweet. And....I just can't. Can't fake it. Can't do it. I want real. I want healthy. I want to breathe. I don't want to be forced to do things that make me uncomfortable. I want to know that my words will be heard. I have a feeling that it's going to be a long road. And perhaps lonely. But....there's more than just survival. There's health. And healing. And learning. And being a testimony that some things are not ok.
But first....I have to survive. One event, one step, one day at a time.
blessings.
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