A war is a war. That is what I have learned. Whether it is fought outwardly and physically or whether it has moved to a "cold" stage where it is done with manipulation and fear tactics. Implied or real threats. Last night, as I lay trying to sleeep but startled awake by footsteps. Knowing he was coming here. Not knowing when. Skittish. Edgy. Needing to relax, but on high alert. Tired, but fearful of going to sleep. I remembered how long I've actually been like this. Since before I left our room. Used to feign sleep on the edge of the bed. Fearful. Weary of being manipulated to do things I didn't want to do and things that hurt me.......and just as weary of being made to feel like the wrong one for saying no. Being made to feel guilty. Being forced to comfort. To keep the peace.
This Cold War is difficult. It's too tricky. Too hard to understand. I don't need tricks. I've said what I need. I've asked nicely. I've asked not nicely. I've asked calmly. I've asked not calmly. I've TOLD instead of asked. To no avail. Because I don't like the idea of an all out war and he knows it. He holds me hostage using our children. And to a degree, our friends. Suddenly ingratiating himself. Suddenly behaving differently. And I'm thankful for the kids' sake. Even if it is in an effort to win something...to win this Cold War with me. To keep me in the battle. But Iwant out. My weapons are of no use if I don't intend to use them. And...frankly....Ijust want a peaceful life. I want to live without constant battling of either sort. The problem is that I have to stay strong long enough to get through this part.
And I'm weary. Just want him to finally DO it. To hear me and trust that when I say that I need something that it's true. But for some reason, it is never allowed to be about me. And I have to absolutely remind myself every day that while it's not all about me, it's not wrong to allow myself to have needs, hopes, dreams, feelings. He hates my feelings. Makes me feel weak for having them. They aren't "logical". I am logical as well. But I also have feeling needs. That is just.........how I roll. ;)
grace to you.
This Cold War is difficult. It's too tricky. Too hard to understand. I don't need tricks. I've said what I need. I've asked nicely. I've asked not nicely. I've asked calmly. I've asked not calmly. I've TOLD instead of asked. To no avail. Because I don't like the idea of an all out war and he knows it. He holds me hostage using our children. And to a degree, our friends. Suddenly ingratiating himself. Suddenly behaving differently. And I'm thankful for the kids' sake. Even if it is in an effort to win something...to win this Cold War with me. To keep me in the battle. But Iwant out. My weapons are of no use if I don't intend to use them. And...frankly....Ijust want a peaceful life. I want to live without constant battling of either sort. The problem is that I have to stay strong long enough to get through this part.
And I'm weary. Just want him to finally DO it. To hear me and trust that when I say that I need something that it's true. But for some reason, it is never allowed to be about me. And I have to absolutely remind myself every day that while it's not all about me, it's not wrong to allow myself to have needs, hopes, dreams, feelings. He hates my feelings. Makes me feel weak for having them. They aren't "logical". I am logical as well. But I also have feeling needs. That is just.........how I roll. ;)
grace to you.
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