Growing Up

I had to get closer to fifty than forty to finally feel like I'm BEGINNING to grow up.  I grew up once.  Went out on my own.  Paid my way.  Went to college.  Got jobs.  Moved.  Traveled.  Made relationships.  And then I got married.  And all Iknow is that it is just like I started over.  Trying to live  with this person who twists words and crushes my dreams.  And now I see something.  He did it with purpose....to keep me from feeling and acting like a grown up.  Maybe it scares him.  Maybe it makes him feel out of control.  I'm not sure why.  But, I do know that what it does is keep me in a little box where I can't outgrow him or make choices that might not be in his best interest.  He has never chosen my best interest.  Or my heart.  He tells me that the things that I want or hope for are irresponsible or out of line or dumb.  He belittles my dreams.  He hurts me deeply.  He harms me.  And now...I'm growing up for a second time in my life.  And knowing that I can get going again.  And that my dreams and hopes are a part of me that propel me forward.  Just like they did those years ago.  And I have to give them consideration.  While I am also responsible.  I don't have to be one or the other.  I can be both.  I AM both.
With Grace.