I have never had a hard time sharing. When I was a kid, I was an only child, but sharing was fine. I liked playing with other children. Other children liked playing with my toys.....that was ok.
But I am really struggling with my husband. I have to still share a house. A church. Cars. Kids. Friends. He wants me to help him decide and figure things out. And it's like I am invisible. Like nobody knows what it takes out of me being with him. Like his presence is wherever I go. And he is helpful and nice to people. Not a bad thing, I know. But, he is not helpful about things that I ask or need. So, I struggle.
And I dread going home. Weekends are especially hard. And no matter how many times he says that he will work it out or that he really does want to give me time to heal. It's simply not a fact. It's just words. It's killer to me. He isn't leaving that bedroom. He isn't figuring out a place to live. He uses any excuse that makes him look good to take up any time that he could use to find a place. He is hurting me.
Sometimes I just want to give up. It's like I'm the only one it matters to. Nobody sees or knows or hurts. And so how in the world am I going to make this break? He creeps me out when he acts all nice and like he's being so helpful. I guess that's because that's not how he is to me. And because he uses it to look so good while he's not keeping his word to me.
And I shouldn't be surprised. His "love" for me has been based on his getting his needs met. On manipulating me to make things better for him. And that hasn't changed. I get that he says the right words. But he doesn't treat me with any regard.
He hurt me in every way. And has humiliated me with things that he has expected. I am hurting and needing out and it's like he is everywhere I turn. And trying to be. And showing how good he is.
And he sings again in choir tomorrow. And he had his Saturday with kids that I want to be with but can't stand how he tries to make me engage constantly.
I'm upset tonight and not even sure that I am explaining why. Maybe I just shouldn't. Probably sometimes it's best to just.......do something else.
grace.
But I am really struggling with my husband. I have to still share a house. A church. Cars. Kids. Friends. He wants me to help him decide and figure things out. And it's like I am invisible. Like nobody knows what it takes out of me being with him. Like his presence is wherever I go. And he is helpful and nice to people. Not a bad thing, I know. But, he is not helpful about things that I ask or need. So, I struggle.
And I dread going home. Weekends are especially hard. And no matter how many times he says that he will work it out or that he really does want to give me time to heal. It's simply not a fact. It's just words. It's killer to me. He isn't leaving that bedroom. He isn't figuring out a place to live. He uses any excuse that makes him look good to take up any time that he could use to find a place. He is hurting me.
Sometimes I just want to give up. It's like I'm the only one it matters to. Nobody sees or knows or hurts. And so how in the world am I going to make this break? He creeps me out when he acts all nice and like he's being so helpful. I guess that's because that's not how he is to me. And because he uses it to look so good while he's not keeping his word to me.
And I shouldn't be surprised. His "love" for me has been based on his getting his needs met. On manipulating me to make things better for him. And that hasn't changed. I get that he says the right words. But he doesn't treat me with any regard.
He hurt me in every way. And has humiliated me with things that he has expected. I am hurting and needing out and it's like he is everywhere I turn. And trying to be. And showing how good he is.
And he sings again in choir tomorrow. And he had his Saturday with kids that I want to be with but can't stand how he tries to make me engage constantly.
I'm upset tonight and not even sure that I am explaining why. Maybe I just shouldn't. Probably sometimes it's best to just.......do something else.
grace.
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