Ok, I'm going to be trying hard. Harder not to lean so much. Harder to stay not depend on others to make a place for me when I'm losing my mind. Actually, I'm going to be trying to not lose my mind....and instead find another way.
I realized today again how many years I've had to cheerlead. How long I've had to make sure that he felt like everything was going to be ok. I was thinking about a specific trip and remembering how stressful it was to just try to relax. Kids were so excited to be there, but nothing was right, we had to rush and rush and make sure that we didn't spend money. It was stressful. It was the norm.
And how many times my kids have waited while we had to fight about something stupid...and I would be saying, "we just need to get to the kids...." and hours would go by.
Today I read about when it's time to divorce on a circle of moms website....and they talked about how peace and happiness and calm is more important to children than two parents in the same house. I agree. I think that the damage comes from the bickering and fighting and unhealthiness. I have tried so hard to hold together a family. But I can only be a mom....not a mom and a dad.
I have to go to my "co-parenting for life" class tomorrow. And it makes me chuckle. Because we have never co-parented. Not like books talk about. He expects me to parent and make sure everything is covered and that his part is to jump in when it's convenient. But that attitude creates resentment.....from kids and from me. Because we are supposed to get along and make it just fine on our own unless he decides that he wants to take part.
I am not sure when he'll leave. I hope that it's soon. He doesn't email about it anymore. He's mad that I pushed it last week....well, irritated. He's coming home late and leaving early. But he doesn't get that I'm still in a hyper sensitive mode awaiting, not knowing if or when he'll show up. It troubles me. But I want to try to get past this. Not to let him stay. But to decide for me how to behave. It's really hard. I pretty much shut down. Shake. Can't function. When he's around. Forcing me to say, "good bye, have a nice day." It's.....weird. Because it's false. It's not that I don't hope that he has a nice day. It's just that I need time to get better.
I think about the upcoming holiday celebration and for some reason I think that it will be ok. I think that I can cope with that. Enough distraction to keep me from having to interact. And it's so important for the kids....mine and the others that always come....to have something normal. To feel like they have people around that love them. I don't want them to feel like they will be giving that up. That worries me. So, it's another thing that I'll be trying hard to address.
So, co-parenting....would be an interesting idea. But since I signed his parenting plan which basically says that I always have the kids unless he can make some time with work and all.....I'm kinda thinking that it's single parenting. And I'm good with that. Because not having him around to second guess and criticize will be a step in the right direction.
I'm trying hard to face the next four years in this house too. It may feel a lot better once he's gone. Maybe. There's a lot to do to keep it up. I don't like that part. But.....at least I will get to choose what to do. And how it should look when things are done.
Trying hard. To do all of these things and be strong. But the thing is that I still know that there are people who care if I fall down. Who will help me back up. I'm just a little bit tired of feeling like a bother. Ok, really tired. I like it better when life is more.....equitable. When it's not all about me losing my sanity. One day.......
it's going to be the norm again. I know it. And I know that I'm pushing it to make it now. Because he's still so present. But, I've gotta start sometime. And as it has always been in life....I can't choose for anyone else and I can't change anyone else. Only myself. So that is where I am starting.
Feels like the first day without training wheels. Wobbly. Heart racing. Unsure. But DETERMINED to get it. Even though it means a few skinned knees and elbows.
I'm brave. Very brave. Even if it doesn't show much to those around me. If they only knew how much terror I overcome just to spend an hour in the same house at the same time when there are no distractions. It takes all of my effort. But....I'm sure that I can just do it. Or.....go to a bookstore. And then I'm the only one who will know. ;)
grace to you.
I realized today again how many years I've had to cheerlead. How long I've had to make sure that he felt like everything was going to be ok. I was thinking about a specific trip and remembering how stressful it was to just try to relax. Kids were so excited to be there, but nothing was right, we had to rush and rush and make sure that we didn't spend money. It was stressful. It was the norm.
And how many times my kids have waited while we had to fight about something stupid...and I would be saying, "we just need to get to the kids...." and hours would go by.
Today I read about when it's time to divorce on a circle of moms website....and they talked about how peace and happiness and calm is more important to children than two parents in the same house. I agree. I think that the damage comes from the bickering and fighting and unhealthiness. I have tried so hard to hold together a family. But I can only be a mom....not a mom and a dad.
I have to go to my "co-parenting for life" class tomorrow. And it makes me chuckle. Because we have never co-parented. Not like books talk about. He expects me to parent and make sure everything is covered and that his part is to jump in when it's convenient. But that attitude creates resentment.....from kids and from me. Because we are supposed to get along and make it just fine on our own unless he decides that he wants to take part.
I am not sure when he'll leave. I hope that it's soon. He doesn't email about it anymore. He's mad that I pushed it last week....well, irritated. He's coming home late and leaving early. But he doesn't get that I'm still in a hyper sensitive mode awaiting, not knowing if or when he'll show up. It troubles me. But I want to try to get past this. Not to let him stay. But to decide for me how to behave. It's really hard. I pretty much shut down. Shake. Can't function. When he's around. Forcing me to say, "good bye, have a nice day." It's.....weird. Because it's false. It's not that I don't hope that he has a nice day. It's just that I need time to get better.
I think about the upcoming holiday celebration and for some reason I think that it will be ok. I think that I can cope with that. Enough distraction to keep me from having to interact. And it's so important for the kids....mine and the others that always come....to have something normal. To feel like they have people around that love them. I don't want them to feel like they will be giving that up. That worries me. So, it's another thing that I'll be trying hard to address.
So, co-parenting....would be an interesting idea. But since I signed his parenting plan which basically says that I always have the kids unless he can make some time with work and all.....I'm kinda thinking that it's single parenting. And I'm good with that. Because not having him around to second guess and criticize will be a step in the right direction.
I'm trying hard to face the next four years in this house too. It may feel a lot better once he's gone. Maybe. There's a lot to do to keep it up. I don't like that part. But.....at least I will get to choose what to do. And how it should look when things are done.
Trying hard. To do all of these things and be strong. But the thing is that I still know that there are people who care if I fall down. Who will help me back up. I'm just a little bit tired of feeling like a bother. Ok, really tired. I like it better when life is more.....equitable. When it's not all about me losing my sanity. One day.......
it's going to be the norm again. I know it. And I know that I'm pushing it to make it now. Because he's still so present. But, I've gotta start sometime. And as it has always been in life....I can't choose for anyone else and I can't change anyone else. Only myself. So that is where I am starting.
Feels like the first day without training wheels. Wobbly. Heart racing. Unsure. But DETERMINED to get it. Even though it means a few skinned knees and elbows.
I'm brave. Very brave. Even if it doesn't show much to those around me. If they only knew how much terror I overcome just to spend an hour in the same house at the same time when there are no distractions. It takes all of my effort. But....I'm sure that I can just do it. Or.....go to a bookstore. And then I'm the only one who will know. ;)
grace to you.
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