Wishing

This year is going to be hard.  And though I look forward to many things, I have to learn how to do things in a new way.  I am not having Easter this year.  It feels....odd.  And a little vulnerable, actually.  And I wish that I had kept it at my house so that I could have more........certainty.  The people who know I am separating are limited, but at this event there will be most of them.  Some are kind.  Others simply don't hear me.  Don't want to hear what I am saying, but rather want to tell me what I should be doing.  I don't want the holiday to be about that.  I don't want to be "caught" alone or asked questions or any kind of intervention.  I want to be respected.  I really want to be understood, but I do realize that some people just won't or can't see.  And since I'm not going to lay out all of the grimy dirty details, I'm kind of stuck.
It's hard knowing that I've had friends for a long time that assume that I wouldn't have tried as hard, as long, as many different ways as I could.  That they wouldn't realize that I would have made it through to this point just by prayer and trying to make it work.  Force it, when all else failed.  But, I can't live the rest of my life that way.  Well, actually, I guess that I could.  But I choose not to.  And there is the trouble.  That I'm not willing to do so forever.  There are some who believe it to be unchristian.  I can forgive.  I can't live with him.
So, the day that I was really looking forward to is now tainted...though still good...there's that doubt in my mind and heart.  And I'm wishing that it weren't.  I'm wishing that people could just love me.
I'm kinda sad right now.  Feels like it' going to be a long road.  My kids really need these get togethers.  They have been missing it.  And I like to do it.  I find it good for all.  But now, somehow, I feel like I'm too hurt already and I'm not sure that I can take any more people who are unsupportive.  Or unkind without meaning to be.
Hard times pass.  So, I will wait for these to go by.  And in the meantime, I will learn to love myself and understand myself and be kind to myself.  Even when others are disappointed in me.  I am good at standing for others.  Encouraging.  Now I need to do the same for me.  I am worth hearing.  Worth understanding.  Worth loving.
And though some walk away....that is their choice.  And, with others, I will walk away.  That will be my choice.  Because I am not going to spend lots of time with people who tear down.  Who cause me grief.  I get to choose.  And I am choosing to be with people who might not agree with me but who will care about me anyway.
blessings.