My friend,
I write to you trying to explain why I am so in need these days. I don't know how to put it other than I feel emptied. I feel like I have been bombed out and there is rubble that I am trying to get rid of. And that I am rebuilding something that was knocked down over and over again over time. Yes, I'm insecure. The very foundations of me have been rocked. But, notice, though shaky, still standing. And though insecure, alive and trying.
I know that I need reassurance. It troubles me. Embarrasses me. I know in my head that not everyone will be as he. And yet....this part of me wonders if I'm worth it. And if I am, why I wasn't enough to him. Why he always wanted more and better and his way. I question everything about myself right now. Not intentionally. Just because I have been so conditioned to try to make things right for him. It feels like being brainwashed and trying to come out to the "real" world....but I struggle to know what IS the real world.
Because my real world has been this world of being and doing and constantly thinking and struggling with how to make it work. There has been no down time. And I was so surprised to figure out that really it didn't matter what I did or how I did it.....it's always just not right or not what he wants. Somehow he maintained control by always wanting something different. By making me feel like I wasn't giving enough.
I am hurting. I know that you have a hard time seeing. That I have a hard time explaining. I don't want to make people go into this ugly world. But sometimes, it is where I am functioning from. And I can't explain to you without taking you there.
When I do something good and am looking for praise, it's not because I think that I need it. That my own feelings aren't good enough. IT's that I have trouble trusting my own right now. I am so beaten down that taking my own word for things is hard. I need to be built back up.
And I know that it's not your job. Not your job to provide me with proof that my life and actions are worth anything. And I know that it's tiresome to be around me at this time.
But I am so broken. So hurt. And I wish that I could just let you feel how crushed I am for just a moment. So that you could feel that I have this sense that maybe it's just me and that everyone feels about me the way he has. It's a terrifying thought. It plagues me sometimes. Though...in my deepest heart....in that place where faith still resides, I know it's not true. I know who I am. Though that part feels small and barely growing right now. Like a plant peeking up too early in spring. It doesn't take much to destroy it. Nor me.
I seem so needy. So silly. So unable to just get on with it. And I'm sorry. Deeply sorry. But this is where I am. And whether others can deal with it or not, I have to be here and grow from here. All has been stripped away and trimmed back....and I have to start again.
My deepest hope is that somehow there will be those who see me still....though my outline is so faint. And who stay...though really I have little to give and seem to need reassurance so often. But whether that happens or not. This is where I am. Alive after living through hell. And hoping still. Though crushed repeatedly. And I will understand if you don't get it. And can't stay.
Not that it won't hurt. It will. But....I realize that nobody is used to me being so hurt. I finally put down my defenses you see. When I decided that I was done, I had to put it all down and start again. And so now I am defenseless. I want to be. I spent too long acting in response to him. And not living. And now I need encouragement from people who really love me and not use me. Who see me and choose me. And help to grow me again.
Not that I see only me. Not true at all. It's just that I need to be reminded......often....that I am not invisible to you. That you hear me. See me. Love me. And I know it's too much to ask. So I ask no one.
But still. It's where I am. And I don't plan on living anymore in a way that I am not an inconvenience to anyone.
I know you love me. And I know that you have no idea how horribly hurt I am inside. How damaged. Because I know that who he is doesn't show to others. Or maybe a glimmer....but not in fullness. But please hear me. Please help me not to disappear.
Because if nobody around knows who you are......you really are invisible.
grace.
I write to you trying to explain why I am so in need these days. I don't know how to put it other than I feel emptied. I feel like I have been bombed out and there is rubble that I am trying to get rid of. And that I am rebuilding something that was knocked down over and over again over time. Yes, I'm insecure. The very foundations of me have been rocked. But, notice, though shaky, still standing. And though insecure, alive and trying.
I know that I need reassurance. It troubles me. Embarrasses me. I know in my head that not everyone will be as he. And yet....this part of me wonders if I'm worth it. And if I am, why I wasn't enough to him. Why he always wanted more and better and his way. I question everything about myself right now. Not intentionally. Just because I have been so conditioned to try to make things right for him. It feels like being brainwashed and trying to come out to the "real" world....but I struggle to know what IS the real world.
Because my real world has been this world of being and doing and constantly thinking and struggling with how to make it work. There has been no down time. And I was so surprised to figure out that really it didn't matter what I did or how I did it.....it's always just not right or not what he wants. Somehow he maintained control by always wanting something different. By making me feel like I wasn't giving enough.
I am hurting. I know that you have a hard time seeing. That I have a hard time explaining. I don't want to make people go into this ugly world. But sometimes, it is where I am functioning from. And I can't explain to you without taking you there.
When I do something good and am looking for praise, it's not because I think that I need it. That my own feelings aren't good enough. IT's that I have trouble trusting my own right now. I am so beaten down that taking my own word for things is hard. I need to be built back up.
And I know that it's not your job. Not your job to provide me with proof that my life and actions are worth anything. And I know that it's tiresome to be around me at this time.
But I am so broken. So hurt. And I wish that I could just let you feel how crushed I am for just a moment. So that you could feel that I have this sense that maybe it's just me and that everyone feels about me the way he has. It's a terrifying thought. It plagues me sometimes. Though...in my deepest heart....in that place where faith still resides, I know it's not true. I know who I am. Though that part feels small and barely growing right now. Like a plant peeking up too early in spring. It doesn't take much to destroy it. Nor me.
I seem so needy. So silly. So unable to just get on with it. And I'm sorry. Deeply sorry. But this is where I am. And whether others can deal with it or not, I have to be here and grow from here. All has been stripped away and trimmed back....and I have to start again.
My deepest hope is that somehow there will be those who see me still....though my outline is so faint. And who stay...though really I have little to give and seem to need reassurance so often. But whether that happens or not. This is where I am. Alive after living through hell. And hoping still. Though crushed repeatedly. And I will understand if you don't get it. And can't stay.
Not that it won't hurt. It will. But....I realize that nobody is used to me being so hurt. I finally put down my defenses you see. When I decided that I was done, I had to put it all down and start again. And so now I am defenseless. I want to be. I spent too long acting in response to him. And not living. And now I need encouragement from people who really love me and not use me. Who see me and choose me. And help to grow me again.
Not that I see only me. Not true at all. It's just that I need to be reminded......often....that I am not invisible to you. That you hear me. See me. Love me. And I know it's too much to ask. So I ask no one.
But still. It's where I am. And I don't plan on living anymore in a way that I am not an inconvenience to anyone.
I know you love me. And I know that you have no idea how horribly hurt I am inside. How damaged. Because I know that who he is doesn't show to others. Or maybe a glimmer....but not in fullness. But please hear me. Please help me not to disappear.
Because if nobody around knows who you are......you really are invisible.
grace.
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