I used to enjoy simple quiet. I still do. And yet....right now, I need something on in my home. Because I have been troubled being there. It's like I find it necessary to distract myself with something when I'm here. I've watched more shows than ever before in my entire life. And for awhile, I felt guilty. But then I figured out that it's just a stage. I will get through it.
Yesterday, I got my kids to play cards with me. Taught them how to play rummy. It was fun. Lighthearted. Something we did together for awhile before we all went back to whatever it is that we are seeking out to do while we get through this time. Yes, they are getting through it too. Though they don't know about all of it. They know what they experience. And I ache for that. For them.
Today, I've changed my "noise" back to the music I love. And I'm working on a table I've wanted to work on for quite awhile. And I'm cleaning in my own eclectic way. I'm am pushing back the knowledge that he'll come home. I am trying to rest in this moment when I am just here. Me. But, frankly, it's difficult. It's like he's here when he's not...uncomfortable. Resting is hard. In spirit. As well as in body. Yet....I get to make the choice for each instant. Hundreds of times a day.
So, the noise of my life is helping me to focus on something other than the dread. I am tired of the constant dread. I lived with it for too long. Now I'm ready to live differently. So....I'm in training. Learning. And I will. Because I am strong and I am able.
blessings.
Yesterday, I got my kids to play cards with me. Taught them how to play rummy. It was fun. Lighthearted. Something we did together for awhile before we all went back to whatever it is that we are seeking out to do while we get through this time. Yes, they are getting through it too. Though they don't know about all of it. They know what they experience. And I ache for that. For them.
Today, I've changed my "noise" back to the music I love. And I'm working on a table I've wanted to work on for quite awhile. And I'm cleaning in my own eclectic way. I'm am pushing back the knowledge that he'll come home. I am trying to rest in this moment when I am just here. Me. But, frankly, it's difficult. It's like he's here when he's not...uncomfortable. Resting is hard. In spirit. As well as in body. Yet....I get to make the choice for each instant. Hundreds of times a day.
So, the noise of my life is helping me to focus on something other than the dread. I am tired of the constant dread. I lived with it for too long. Now I'm ready to live differently. So....I'm in training. Learning. And I will. Because I am strong and I am able.
blessings.
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