Went out with friends for tea last night. Talked. Not so much chatted. Just talked. And one said something that resonated with me. How failing in marriage feels like being a disappointment to everyone else. It's hard. I want to be a good example of being a committed christian and a loving, kind human being to those coming behind me. To the kids that look up to me. Or.....might have. It makes it hard.
And yet, as hard as it is, this IS my journey. This is where I am in my story. I can't continue to live as I have. It is not healthy. It is not kind to anyone. Because it means that I can't really be present.
Then there's the other side of disappointment. Disappointment in myself. For not being able to make things work out.
Yet....though it's there, it is changing. I am realizing that I can't make something work that isn't there. He keeps on pretending. He acts like things are good. I need a REAL life.
And driving this morning, I knew that the best I can offer in way of example at this point is how to keep on trusting that God has a plan. That you are still valuable. That your story still has purpose. Even when someone who said he would love you tears you down, humiliates you and refuses to hear when you ask for help to heal. It's not the end. It's a juncture. And you can choose to be kind. And you can choose to do hard things that require sacrifice but are good. I am going forward with this legal separation. But, I am also going to continue to learn how to communicate and tell him what is true. And....I'm going to learn how to do what is best for my kids and if that means doing some things together then I'll do that. Because I am strong enough. I need my home. But, I can be kind. I am kind.
And the hardest disappointment of all is realizing that some friends really need him more than they need me. That hurts inside. But it's not insurmountable. I'm going to survive this. As a matter of fact, I'm going to grow and love and learn. Because I get to choose.
grace to you.
And yet, as hard as it is, this IS my journey. This is where I am in my story. I can't continue to live as I have. It is not healthy. It is not kind to anyone. Because it means that I can't really be present.
Then there's the other side of disappointment. Disappointment in myself. For not being able to make things work out.
Yet....though it's there, it is changing. I am realizing that I can't make something work that isn't there. He keeps on pretending. He acts like things are good. I need a REAL life.
And driving this morning, I knew that the best I can offer in way of example at this point is how to keep on trusting that God has a plan. That you are still valuable. That your story still has purpose. Even when someone who said he would love you tears you down, humiliates you and refuses to hear when you ask for help to heal. It's not the end. It's a juncture. And you can choose to be kind. And you can choose to do hard things that require sacrifice but are good. I am going forward with this legal separation. But, I am also going to continue to learn how to communicate and tell him what is true. And....I'm going to learn how to do what is best for my kids and if that means doing some things together then I'll do that. Because I am strong enough. I need my home. But, I can be kind. I am kind.
And the hardest disappointment of all is realizing that some friends really need him more than they need me. That hurts inside. But it's not insurmountable. I'm going to survive this. As a matter of fact, I'm going to grow and love and learn. Because I get to choose.
grace to you.
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