A Little Time

This morning I have a little time.  I need more.  I know it.  It's not enough to let down.  I have things on my mind and don't have people to talk to.  To bounce it off of.  I need to pray and be still.  I am thinking about whether to keep this house or not.  How long.  What to do to get it ready.  What to do after that.  It's a tough and complex decision.  Living in the house where we raised little ones is difficult.  The room where he has told me such awful things.  I pray over it.  But, I'm alone.  It's not two or three gathered.  It's not a quorum, if you will.  I know God hears.  Yet, there is this prevailing heaviness that lurks.  I realize now that it's the sex, the mean words, the "talks".  I am realizing that weekends have hardness because of this environment.  There are places I avoid in the house...one counter where he sat.  There are things I don't want to do.  So, I need to make a plan.  I need to be purposeful and moving towards what I need to be doing.  For me, for my kids, for others. 
I don't think that I should sell the house yet.  I would end up later with no money.  Because, here, I would have to buy a house and then I would quite possibly be stuck for longer.  I don't want to give up my room because I need the privacy and the bathroom affords me that.  And, in time, I know that the memories will dissipate.  Well....to some degree.  Or maybe not.  The trauma is more than I often acknowledge.  It's hard to go there.  To wonder why I stayed when I felt so deeply uncomfortable, disturbed.  I wanted to do what was right.  Be committed.  But it certainly didn't bring peace.  It certainly didn't help my children to have healthy coping mechanisms. Working on that.  Slowly.  I love them.  They know it.  They love me.  I know it.
But...there's so much to decide.  I know that I shouldn't decide right now.  It just feels like staying here in this house for good will not be good for me.  I could rent it out...but there goes the property value.  But, it's still an option.
I have options.  I am not a victim. I get to decide though it's hard to do so right now. 
The things I know?  I have a good job with benefits and I should hang tight with that for now.  I like it.  God gave it.  Nuff said.
But....this house thing is killer.
And I have to decide how to tell people no.  No, I won't sit with the ex at graduation for my son.  No, I won't be bullied into certain things.  Yes, I expect that they should be supportive.
I need this time.  And more.  Grown up time.  I adore my kids.  But, I can't speak of these things to them.  And  don't have anyone else that seems to be asking or getting that it's an issue.  So, my grown up time will be think and pray time.  And eat some yumy food.  And rest.  And cook. And rest.
I am making it.  I am on the path to recovery.  And it's not easy.  It wasn't an easy choice to choose life.  To choose to become who I am supposed to.  And I shouldn't expect it to be easy.
I am not in a bad place.  Just a knowing that I have to think place.  I'm cooking and thinking about work.  And....just watching some shows and chilling out.  I am taking care of me.  And deciding what my choices need to be.  Do I fix up the house for me or to sell?  What is most important? 
Sometimes it feels like it dd when I was married...that same feeling of just having to figure it out on my own.  Of knowing that it wasn't appropriate to talk to my kids nor others that are his friends.  I guess on that front, not much has changed.  Perhaps the pain is that without thinking about it, I thought that it would?
I am struggling but not down.  Not too depressed.  I am making it ok.  I have people who love me, even if they can't help me with this.
blessings.