though i can't stop what happened from affecting me, i can find a way to allow god to use it for good in my life. i don't have to allow it to consume my joy. i don't have to give in to the moments of despair. oh, a pity party has to come sometimes in the fact that i need time to hurt for me. to lament. to weep. to truly allow the appropriate emotions to have their time to do their work in my life. i need that time to happen because without it, i can't grow past this place. though i see that people believe that stuffing it in or just faking it is better....i know that i can't live there. because it destroys. truth sets free. the truth about what he did. it is still hard for me to let that sink in. when i think of the way he made me feel sexually, i cringe. i find myself shaking. the crying myself to sleep.
i only ever had one man. one that was supposed to be a safe place. he wasn't safe. he wasn't nurturing of a relationship nor of me. he was selfish and focused on what he wanted. what he thought should be. what i was lacking in. and even now, the way he talks about me to others....the way he makes himself such a victim. it hurts me. though i'm trying to get past that. to not care that it affects how they view me. but it does. it hurts me. because there is no place to go and just have my place. a place where i get to be "at home" and friended that he doesn't exist. he's a shadow in my life. cast over every day. some days, the tilt is just right that it feels like it blocks the sun. the warmth of love and care that is in my life. like his shadow is bigger than the sun. but it's not. that's an illusion i know. but still...in the chill of it, i tremble. i sob. i fall apart. i shake. i freeze. i scream. i find myself alone. scared. not of being alone. but of the shadow. of the hurt that he has inflicted and inflicts still in a residual way.
but, like a day at the beach, the sun eventually breaks through the fog and shines brightly. warmly. providing hope. just have to remember that the sun is there. he's just blocking it. it hasn't gone a anywhere.....as a matter of fact, it's bright and there or he couldn't create a shadow.
i walk in the shadow, but i know that the light is there. because i hope.
blessings.
i only ever had one man. one that was supposed to be a safe place. he wasn't safe. he wasn't nurturing of a relationship nor of me. he was selfish and focused on what he wanted. what he thought should be. what i was lacking in. and even now, the way he talks about me to others....the way he makes himself such a victim. it hurts me. though i'm trying to get past that. to not care that it affects how they view me. but it does. it hurts me. because there is no place to go and just have my place. a place where i get to be "at home" and friended that he doesn't exist. he's a shadow in my life. cast over every day. some days, the tilt is just right that it feels like it blocks the sun. the warmth of love and care that is in my life. like his shadow is bigger than the sun. but it's not. that's an illusion i know. but still...in the chill of it, i tremble. i sob. i fall apart. i shake. i freeze. i scream. i find myself alone. scared. not of being alone. but of the shadow. of the hurt that he has inflicted and inflicts still in a residual way.
but, like a day at the beach, the sun eventually breaks through the fog and shines brightly. warmly. providing hope. just have to remember that the sun is there. he's just blocking it. it hasn't gone a anywhere.....as a matter of fact, it's bright and there or he couldn't create a shadow.
i walk in the shadow, but i know that the light is there. because i hope.
blessings.
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