I am a relationship person. I require time. I have times when I just need someone to be there. My kids are wonderful, but that isn't it...they are my kids. And, my coworkers are great, you know I love my job....but, that's different too.
Sometimes at the end of the day, I wish that I had a place where it's ok to just be. To go and be with a grownup. To have time. As it is in my life these days, it seems that something has stolen that from me. It's always awkward. I feel.....odd. Like a disruption. It feels like there is not a place in my life where I am the kind of friend or person that someone thinks, "wow, I am so glad that you are here....that you stopped by or called or whatever." Most of my relationships are perfunctory. " This is what we need to talk about in order to accomplish whatever." I can't remember the last time that I felt like I would be sought out or that it was special that I was around. Ok, there's one kid that does it. Always so inviting and kind to my heart. With sweet words and just the most endearing attitude. But, again, it's a kid. I adore kids, but sometimes, I wonder if I will have grown up friends again that feel that way.
I guess that I can chalk it up to not particularly being a very good friend these days. Perhaps it is not very uplifting to be around me. Perhaps it is awkward because there is fear that I will still be needy or talking about their friend...my ex. I don't really know. I just know that while some can be and relax and just show up and be.......totally pulled in.....I feel like in my life I just don't have what it takes. I feel less.
How to get better, I don't know. How to be a person that is that, "oh, I'm so glad she's here," person, might be too much for me. I'm not sure how to be that.
There's a guy in my school recently divorced. He joined Match.com last week. He has had three dates in this week. Different women. And last night he stayed with the woman he went out with. First night. Went home. Had sex. And that is so far beyond my understanding. I really don't get it. Does it have meaning? Maybe I just am too different than other people to know what IS normal.
All I know is that sometimes I mourn the sense of being worth having around because of who I was...even if it was based on the "trying to keep things right" person. Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I miss that fake girl because...I don't know....maybe people liked her better.
It's since I've been single again that I have struggled so much with this.
So.....maybe I was more tolerable when I was miserable but keeping everyone else "safe and secure?" I think that perhaps it's true. People are more comfortable without this whole mess of what it means if my life was a wreck and full of pain.
But I can't survive as her. I like me. Even if she is alone. Even if when she really needs to talk, she finds that nobody really hears. Even if she feels invisible most of her life. I see her. I remember her. I value her.
But it's always at this moment that I realize that it's the lack of family. There is nobody in the world that just goes, "hey, I'm happy you are here." Happy that you are. There are no just because things. It's just.....like I try to say what I need, or to start a conversation and it's just stupid. And it is just too hard that way, so I give up. I'm not willing to force it to happen.
I talked to another introvert today. Not too deep. She is involved in similar activities as my ex at my church, but she and I have a lot of commonalities.
I guess I don't have it in me to start over. Feels like the people I've known forever don't know what to do and new people I just wonder if after they really know...maybe they will think I'm weird too.
I get that I'm annoying in so many ways. I've heard it plenty. I get that I don't seem too responsible and maybe I come off as if I don't care. I don't know how to be any better.
So, I am where I am. Loved by God, but without a clue how to connect with those of His family around me. I guess that they all have what they need. They all know who to expect to have holidays with.
I can hardly breathe I'm crying so hard.
I just needed a place today. To sit down. To be. To feel like I'm special. Instead...somehow, I just wound up feeling like I don't have a place. Like others do.
Seriously, I have another friend that never calls me. Ever. But, if I don't make a point to call her, she is hurt that we haven't talked. So, I make the effort.
I wish I weren't so weird. Story of my life.
I'll be ok again....just have to keep dealing with it. It's not that they don't love. It's that there is that sense that I don't contribute to bringing joy or happiness.
I get it suddenly...I want to BE a blessing, a gift, a treasure. A real friend. Guess I better work on those friendship things. If it's not there.....I should change it. Somehow.
blessings.
Sometimes at the end of the day, I wish that I had a place where it's ok to just be. To go and be with a grownup. To have time. As it is in my life these days, it seems that something has stolen that from me. It's always awkward. I feel.....odd. Like a disruption. It feels like there is not a place in my life where I am the kind of friend or person that someone thinks, "wow, I am so glad that you are here....that you stopped by or called or whatever." Most of my relationships are perfunctory. " This is what we need to talk about in order to accomplish whatever." I can't remember the last time that I felt like I would be sought out or that it was special that I was around. Ok, there's one kid that does it. Always so inviting and kind to my heart. With sweet words and just the most endearing attitude. But, again, it's a kid. I adore kids, but sometimes, I wonder if I will have grown up friends again that feel that way.
I guess that I can chalk it up to not particularly being a very good friend these days. Perhaps it is not very uplifting to be around me. Perhaps it is awkward because there is fear that I will still be needy or talking about their friend...my ex. I don't really know. I just know that while some can be and relax and just show up and be.......totally pulled in.....I feel like in my life I just don't have what it takes. I feel less.
How to get better, I don't know. How to be a person that is that, "oh, I'm so glad she's here," person, might be too much for me. I'm not sure how to be that.
There's a guy in my school recently divorced. He joined Match.com last week. He has had three dates in this week. Different women. And last night he stayed with the woman he went out with. First night. Went home. Had sex. And that is so far beyond my understanding. I really don't get it. Does it have meaning? Maybe I just am too different than other people to know what IS normal.
All I know is that sometimes I mourn the sense of being worth having around because of who I was...even if it was based on the "trying to keep things right" person. Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I miss that fake girl because...I don't know....maybe people liked her better.
It's since I've been single again that I have struggled so much with this.
So.....maybe I was more tolerable when I was miserable but keeping everyone else "safe and secure?" I think that perhaps it's true. People are more comfortable without this whole mess of what it means if my life was a wreck and full of pain.
But I can't survive as her. I like me. Even if she is alone. Even if when she really needs to talk, she finds that nobody really hears. Even if she feels invisible most of her life. I see her. I remember her. I value her.
But it's always at this moment that I realize that it's the lack of family. There is nobody in the world that just goes, "hey, I'm happy you are here." Happy that you are. There are no just because things. It's just.....like I try to say what I need, or to start a conversation and it's just stupid. And it is just too hard that way, so I give up. I'm not willing to force it to happen.
I talked to another introvert today. Not too deep. She is involved in similar activities as my ex at my church, but she and I have a lot of commonalities.
I guess I don't have it in me to start over. Feels like the people I've known forever don't know what to do and new people I just wonder if after they really know...maybe they will think I'm weird too.
I get that I'm annoying in so many ways. I've heard it plenty. I get that I don't seem too responsible and maybe I come off as if I don't care. I don't know how to be any better.
So, I am where I am. Loved by God, but without a clue how to connect with those of His family around me. I guess that they all have what they need. They all know who to expect to have holidays with.
I can hardly breathe I'm crying so hard.
I just needed a place today. To sit down. To be. To feel like I'm special. Instead...somehow, I just wound up feeling like I don't have a place. Like others do.
Seriously, I have another friend that never calls me. Ever. But, if I don't make a point to call her, she is hurt that we haven't talked. So, I make the effort.
I wish I weren't so weird. Story of my life.
I'll be ok again....just have to keep dealing with it. It's not that they don't love. It's that there is that sense that I don't contribute to bringing joy or happiness.
I get it suddenly...I want to BE a blessing, a gift, a treasure. A real friend. Guess I better work on those friendship things. If it's not there.....I should change it. Somehow.
blessings.
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