love and boundaries

i adore my kids.  i have been trying to give them space.  to establish new relationships.  to hear them.  to be kind.  yet, in the sadness of my heart, a part of me sees them as simply being users.  not drugs.....situations.  they are using the situation to become people that i don't feel as proud of.  they are being slobs.  i don't mean teen aged mess, i mean slobs.  they are being unhelpful.  they don't cook or clean or fold laundry.  they don't do their best on schoolwork.  they don't do what they promised regarding exercise.  they use the thing between their dad and i to try and gain power.  and some of this is normal.  and the cleaning will come back as they all get their own homes eventually.  but, my concern is for their hearts.  their character.  their relationship ideas.  so i am praying and thinking.  i want to be gentle...but i don't want them to feel that they can simply use me.  to say, "yes, i'm doing that or i'm going to...." and when i say it again, they say the same....over and over until the only reason they do something is if it's going to keep them from something that they want.  i am appalled.  i am sad.  i want to speak, but i don't want to incite.  i want to help, but they push away until it's the last minute and then they demand.  it is wearing.
i am seriously considering selling this house.  i can't do over 3000 square feet of cleaning, plus 2/3 of an acre of yard by myself....well, i could, if there weren't young people going around each day being so messy that it takes all of my moments in each day just to clean up their last messes.  dishes, clothes, trash.  so, we don't fight or argue, but it is perhaps at the cost of their integrity.  i need to take some kind of stand in my own home.  if they do anything, it is grudgingly and behaving as if it were a great feat and i should be thankful.  if they vaccuum, they leave out the vaccuum, leave it plugged in, only do the area i pointed out.  if they unload the dishes, they leave at least a third of them sitting on the counter.  if they mow, they only do the easy parts.  they are being selfish.  they are not these people.  i know them.  i need them to find again the people that they really are.  not just to help me....but so that they respect themselves.  so that they have dignity.  so that they don't behave as their dad where doing something is supposed to "buy" something.  gosh, the mindset is killer. 
oh god, give me wisdom.  please.
blessings.