hi

if you are a returning reader, it's probably a lot easier to make sense of things.  if you are not, it is probably difficult to understand what i am talking about.
i began this blog at the tail end of my marriage.  the pain was intense.  functioning was about all that i could do.  i didn't feel as if there was anyone from church that i could speak with.  i didn't feel like i could even tell my friends.  how do you explain that you have come to the conclusion that someone's behavior towards you is abusive?  he never hit me.  but he was mean to me.  he didn't cherish or treasure but rather made me jump through hoops to be found "worthy"...but if i ever made it, it only lasted until he got what he wanted from me.  my life felt like a downward spiral from which there was going to come a point where i would not be able to recover. 
i am the one who made the choice to separate.  i will be the one to choose to convert it to a divorce.  which...i wouldn't have been except that he just won't let go still.  he uses the fact that i chose a legal separation to say that he's still married...though the judge said otherwise.  i know that i did it because he would struggle less with the wording.  i needed it to go as smoothly as possible. 
if you are looking for a site where the woman is looking to reconcile....this is not it.  i am completely done.  i will never say yes to how he treated me again.  ever. it's not because i don't have hope.  or faith.  or because i don't believe that god can do anything.  it's because i know that i need to have a boundary.  i need to respect myself.  i didn't do that.  i allowed how he behaved because i was trying to make it work, but what i did was allow him bad behavior that nearly destroyed me.
at the beginning, i spoke, i argued, it tried to plead my case.  but, after a long time, i just wanted peace.  i wanted calm.  i wanted everyone to be happy.  even if i couldn't be.  i continually thought that if i could do it all right then it would change things by making him happier. 
i am done with him as far as marriage goes.  i don't see him.  i don't talk with him.  he hurt me more than any other person ever has. 
i....am....done.
and i believe that there is a message there.  i believe that women aren't meant by god to be abused or misused.  and i believe that the church is silent on this note because they want to stand behind "god hates divorce."  and gossip.  and slander.  and haughtiness.  and.....
i think the point is that god hates sin.  and that's why jesus had to die for it.  all of it. 
guess i'll be going out on the road someday...to be a messenger of peace and forgiveness.  of grace and belovedness.
love to you.  wherever you are walking.
grace to you.