there's this me. a me i knew even in childhood. full of courage. full of hope. the things that make a brave girl. and i had always been brave. truly brave. standing up to bullies from a very young age. finding hope even in the moments of greatest despair. i couldn't have told you then what it was in me that caused me to be that way. i didn't know that everyone wasn't that way....as i've mentioned, i'm weird. i remember people wondering why i could smile. how i was so desperately in love with jesus at such a delicate age. how i believed that the world was good when i had been abandoned, abused, and somewhat orphaned by my mother's death and the resulting fallout within my family. so many issues. such a small, wee little girl....with heart as big as any problem that came. god filled me. i know it now. i know that i was given the doses of courage to be who he needed me to be in life. and along the way, he provided people to bolster that courage, to encourage me, to lift me up when i couldn't go anymore on my own. he has always known that at the core of my courage that i am extremely vulnerable. i am sensitive. he met that need.
then getting married did something. i have been facing why i married my ex husband. i can't say that i didn't love. but i can say that there was also a knowledge that wasn't quite right even early on. i had to be a relationship carrier. i had to always apologize. i had to keep any hurt feelings to myself or face hours of belittling and fighting before receiving tears and self degrading comments from him. not about me. always turning things back about him. about how i had to meet his needs. always. but he was the "nice" one. so, i struggled. he was the "normal" one, so i was so confused. i didn't understand and couldn't reconcile why i had such a sense of unrest. yes, even in my first week of marriage. and it took a couple of decades to understand a bit. i'm not sure that i ever will fully.
but i know that at some point, i got weary of trying to communicate. and, being the communicator that i am, with the need to understand and be understood, that was like depriving me of oxygen. i began to drown. i had faced many things as a child, but i always knew that i would grow up and be free. in marriage, there was no end. there was no way to get him to see me or to care enough to understand me. he hurt me over and over. and he has never been willing to be a part of a relationship that is mutual and growing. and over time, i withdrew. i quit fighting. i basically caved in to the bully. to the incessant belief that i was somehow not as good, should try harder, wasn't a good enough housekeeper, didn't work hard enough, wasn't supportive enough. never enough. ever. my self esteem became....nearly non-existent. that god given sense of value. stomped out. dignity denied. it was there...but i couldn't sense it. looking back, i remember getting out of the car when he was belittling as we were driving along. i remember telling him how bad it was. he followed me. wouldn't hear me. told me how i was damaging the children and what would they think.....and now i wonder, what did they think about how he talked to me when i was in the car? they were little. i didn't want to hurt their hearts. i got back in the car.
he doesn't give dignity to others. he seeks it for himself. and therein is what makes us unable to be together. he does not give it to our children. to me. to those around. he walk in a way to look good, but he never reaches out to lift up others. he does the good things to lift up himself. and i will not spend any more of my life with someone who is like that. i value others. i value encouraging. i value giving. i value compassion.
and in realizing these things, somewhere, that brave me is recovering. she will have to go down again....many times, i'm sure....before the healing process is complete. but now she is better because she has begun to have her voice again. she followed right behind peace and hope and the courage to just simply get up each and every day. and now, she is exercising her voice. her kind, compassionate, but truthful voice. "no, it's not ok to walk over others. no, you may not treat me poorly and then expect me to give you my heart. i will give you compassion. i will give you empathy. i will not give you me to destroy." yep, i hear her. i sense her. her comforting presence. i've missed her. she walked with me through so much in life. that's how i know that he did a real number on me....she had made it through so many difficult things and it took the one person that was supposed to nurture her, believe in her, hear her, love her, respect her.....to take her down. the one that she had given her heart.
and at least i know that i had done that. so fully that he had power. and i still know and believe that in relationships, that is necessary. but i also know that i can not give it to just anyone. and if they prove by actions that they will sacrifice me over and over while lifting themselves....then i must walk away. because i have purpose in the world. not great or famous. but in my small way, for little reasons. who knows what god will do with that brave girl? i can't wait to see.
blessings.
then getting married did something. i have been facing why i married my ex husband. i can't say that i didn't love. but i can say that there was also a knowledge that wasn't quite right even early on. i had to be a relationship carrier. i had to always apologize. i had to keep any hurt feelings to myself or face hours of belittling and fighting before receiving tears and self degrading comments from him. not about me. always turning things back about him. about how i had to meet his needs. always. but he was the "nice" one. so, i struggled. he was the "normal" one, so i was so confused. i didn't understand and couldn't reconcile why i had such a sense of unrest. yes, even in my first week of marriage. and it took a couple of decades to understand a bit. i'm not sure that i ever will fully.
but i know that at some point, i got weary of trying to communicate. and, being the communicator that i am, with the need to understand and be understood, that was like depriving me of oxygen. i began to drown. i had faced many things as a child, but i always knew that i would grow up and be free. in marriage, there was no end. there was no way to get him to see me or to care enough to understand me. he hurt me over and over. and he has never been willing to be a part of a relationship that is mutual and growing. and over time, i withdrew. i quit fighting. i basically caved in to the bully. to the incessant belief that i was somehow not as good, should try harder, wasn't a good enough housekeeper, didn't work hard enough, wasn't supportive enough. never enough. ever. my self esteem became....nearly non-existent. that god given sense of value. stomped out. dignity denied. it was there...but i couldn't sense it. looking back, i remember getting out of the car when he was belittling as we were driving along. i remember telling him how bad it was. he followed me. wouldn't hear me. told me how i was damaging the children and what would they think.....and now i wonder, what did they think about how he talked to me when i was in the car? they were little. i didn't want to hurt their hearts. i got back in the car.
he doesn't give dignity to others. he seeks it for himself. and therein is what makes us unable to be together. he does not give it to our children. to me. to those around. he walk in a way to look good, but he never reaches out to lift up others. he does the good things to lift up himself. and i will not spend any more of my life with someone who is like that. i value others. i value encouraging. i value giving. i value compassion.
and in realizing these things, somewhere, that brave me is recovering. she will have to go down again....many times, i'm sure....before the healing process is complete. but now she is better because she has begun to have her voice again. she followed right behind peace and hope and the courage to just simply get up each and every day. and now, she is exercising her voice. her kind, compassionate, but truthful voice. "no, it's not ok to walk over others. no, you may not treat me poorly and then expect me to give you my heart. i will give you compassion. i will give you empathy. i will not give you me to destroy." yep, i hear her. i sense her. her comforting presence. i've missed her. she walked with me through so much in life. that's how i know that he did a real number on me....she had made it through so many difficult things and it took the one person that was supposed to nurture her, believe in her, hear her, love her, respect her.....to take her down. the one that she had given her heart.
and at least i know that i had done that. so fully that he had power. and i still know and believe that in relationships, that is necessary. but i also know that i can not give it to just anyone. and if they prove by actions that they will sacrifice me over and over while lifting themselves....then i must walk away. because i have purpose in the world. not great or famous. but in my small way, for little reasons. who knows what god will do with that brave girl? i can't wait to see.
blessings.
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