ok, i get it

he hurt me.  deeper and more traumatically than i realize.  and then something happens.  as in....i need someone....and they behave in a certain way that is like that.  it's a trigger.  i know, psychobabble word....but accurate.  because yesterday, nothing was WRONG....and everything was wrong.  and i couldn't pull it together even though i wanted to.  i had to look at it.  figure it out.  but at least i'm getting to the point that i can relate it to it's root cause.  i see it so much more clearly.  and it hurts.  how was i so mean to MYSELF for so long that i allowed it?  because i thought that i was supposed to be good to everyone else and then somehow, i would get what i needed too.  and, to a degree, i still believe that.  i just have to be sure that it's the right people that i'm being good to. ;) 
he was really a jerk.  really.  and sometimes i wish that i could just tell everyone.  but...that makes me despise ME.  and it does nothing for anyone else.  so....i'm sure it will pass.
i lived way too long with my self dismissed.  completely and totally. no more.  today is going to be a good day.  my day. to live for god.
blessings.