I am an expert wall builder. Or, I should say that I have been in the past. Now, I am determining that only I can build the walls and only I can tear them down. Period. Oh, others help by offering to be there, to help me to feel loved and more confident, but the decision is mine alone. I have to choose. I have to make a conscious effort.
In this strange time of life, I do not want to build walls. I want to keep myself free. I want to allow my heart to be vulnerable. Well, I don't always want to, but when I look forward to who I want to be, it matters to me. So, I am determining to not be bitter, not be hopeless...and not to be alone behind the walls. Because that is not what I want to practice being. Yes, I have to have some boundaries in view of other people's needs and out of consideration. But, I don't have to block people out. I don't have to barricade myself in.
I do have to protect my heart. But that does not come from building walls. It comes from trusting God to meet my needs. From letting go of expectations.
The future is uncertain. Even when I feel sure.....it's never certain. And not feeling sure of what is going to happen doesn't mean that I'm any less safe than when I think that I know. The most simple truth that I have come to is that absolutely NOTHING is for sure. I am not in control And, I don't need to be.
But, I need to have a plan, an idea, a goal not for how circumstances will be, but for how I will be. Me. Myself. How will I respond? It's a total work in progress. I am still falling apart. I still desperately want help and tlc. I long to be validated. But I am learning that life goes on whether I am or I am not. And....that I am strong, but I don't want to be hard. I want to be tender. I want it to be able to hurt. I don't want to be numb nor uncaring. But, I do want to be focused on who I am wanting to be rather than how everything around me is going. Frankly, it has been too painfully hurtful to lean on any circumstances. And, besides, God's plan is not about the stuff going on out there, but what is going on within. He longs to teach me. I long to learn. Yet, I falter, fall, stumble and bumble along. I am hurting. I can't change that just yet.
Does this mean that I don't wish for a posse? A group that is mine alone? It does not. But it does mean that I am gaining an understanding that each of those people is on his/her own journey too...and they may not be in a place to be able to give me that right now. But, since they are still uber important in my life and heart, I am willing to just sit with it. To stay and learn to make it work for BOTH of us. Each of us.
I could perfect my wall building. I could gather the supplies of cynicism, negativity, fear, bitterness and judgement. Instead, I'm going to try to be open while observing boundaries. It's that tightrope. It's very hard for me. It takes massive amounts of self control. But, looking at my life....I think it's worth it. Because while these people that I talk about have family that's real...they ARE my real family. And just because they don't need to feel that way about me doesn't mean that it's dumb for me to feel that way about them. We are all in different places with different stories. I have to let myself love them like my family. Unashamedly. It is embarrassing sometimes when I have to face that it will never be that way for them. But...that's ok. They are totally worth it. And I think that whatever niche I fill in their hearts....they must think I'm worth it too. Relationships matter to me. They also matter to God. I want to do them well.....so instead of gathering those wall building supplies to keep those who love me out.....I'm going to take up a mallet of courage and knock each brick that comes up to smithereens. I can see the woman that I want to become. She's pretty awesome....and she needs me to stand up for her in the now so that she can be ready in the future.
blessings.
In this strange time of life, I do not want to build walls. I want to keep myself free. I want to allow my heart to be vulnerable. Well, I don't always want to, but when I look forward to who I want to be, it matters to me. So, I am determining to not be bitter, not be hopeless...and not to be alone behind the walls. Because that is not what I want to practice being. Yes, I have to have some boundaries in view of other people's needs and out of consideration. But, I don't have to block people out. I don't have to barricade myself in.
I do have to protect my heart. But that does not come from building walls. It comes from trusting God to meet my needs. From letting go of expectations.
The future is uncertain. Even when I feel sure.....it's never certain. And not feeling sure of what is going to happen doesn't mean that I'm any less safe than when I think that I know. The most simple truth that I have come to is that absolutely NOTHING is for sure. I am not in control And, I don't need to be.
But, I need to have a plan, an idea, a goal not for how circumstances will be, but for how I will be. Me. Myself. How will I respond? It's a total work in progress. I am still falling apart. I still desperately want help and tlc. I long to be validated. But I am learning that life goes on whether I am or I am not. And....that I am strong, but I don't want to be hard. I want to be tender. I want it to be able to hurt. I don't want to be numb nor uncaring. But, I do want to be focused on who I am wanting to be rather than how everything around me is going. Frankly, it has been too painfully hurtful to lean on any circumstances. And, besides, God's plan is not about the stuff going on out there, but what is going on within. He longs to teach me. I long to learn. Yet, I falter, fall, stumble and bumble along. I am hurting. I can't change that just yet.
Does this mean that I don't wish for a posse? A group that is mine alone? It does not. But it does mean that I am gaining an understanding that each of those people is on his/her own journey too...and they may not be in a place to be able to give me that right now. But, since they are still uber important in my life and heart, I am willing to just sit with it. To stay and learn to make it work for BOTH of us. Each of us.
I could perfect my wall building. I could gather the supplies of cynicism, negativity, fear, bitterness and judgement. Instead, I'm going to try to be open while observing boundaries. It's that tightrope. It's very hard for me. It takes massive amounts of self control. But, looking at my life....I think it's worth it. Because while these people that I talk about have family that's real...they ARE my real family. And just because they don't need to feel that way about me doesn't mean that it's dumb for me to feel that way about them. We are all in different places with different stories. I have to let myself love them like my family. Unashamedly. It is embarrassing sometimes when I have to face that it will never be that way for them. But...that's ok. They are totally worth it. And I think that whatever niche I fill in their hearts....they must think I'm worth it too. Relationships matter to me. They also matter to God. I want to do them well.....so instead of gathering those wall building supplies to keep those who love me out.....I'm going to take up a mallet of courage and knock each brick that comes up to smithereens. I can see the woman that I want to become. She's pretty awesome....and she needs me to stand up for her in the now so that she can be ready in the future.
blessings.
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