God,
Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do you know the hurt in my soul? When I wake up in the night and feel all alone, is that You that sits with me? That seems to be so present? How is it that though I have such small faith that you remain so BIG? So....TRUE? How is it that though I don't know how to believe enough or hope enough that You still believe in me.....ME??? Really? You who knows me best believes in who I am supposed to be most.
I have spent so much of life being silent about what means the most. And holding back the very tide of what was happening. I have given every ounce of my desire and hope to make this marriage work by trying to love You well. By asking to love him well. By desiring to learn to serve more.
But somewhere.....I forgot. I failed to cherish the fact. To revel each day in the knowledge that You love me. That I am beloved. I have spent so much time trying to be what I needed to be to make a marriage work, that my LIFE failed to work. Because my life only works when I let You simply love me. When I rest in that. And let the rest fall into place. You provide for me. Protect me. Comfort me. Sing over me. You must laugh sometimes at how hard I've tried to become anything...everything...to make this marriage be something that would make You proud.
But now.....in this releasing it all to You. I rest. Oh, I am still troubled. It's not over. But in this moment of great "failure", I sense You. Your presence. Your holding. Your shelter. I sense that You are proud of me. And that feels....odd. It has been so very long that I've felt like just being me is enough. That I really didn't care if it impressed others. I want to bathe in Your being proud of me. Not because I got it right....but because YOU got it right when You made me. For whatever it is that You made me for. Maybe just to show that in great weakness, great pain...You are enough. I am Wonder Woman in You. Not because I get it right. Not because I do it right. But because You make up for every deficit in me.
Oh, how I love You. Not in an "I better get to this so that He'll notice me or be pleased with me or see that I am pleasing way." No, in a very simple way. Just absolutely knowing to my very core that You hold it all together. And that even when things fall apart......You don't hate me. Even if everyone looks and says that I am so wrong. And even if I AM so wrong. You care about my heart. And soul. And emotions. And mind. Every facet of me. None beyond Your notice...nor Your care.
It's not easy to live there. The worries of every moment. The immense hurts of knowing that I wasn't enough to keep the man I loved happy. That hurts me. Deeply. In ways that I just can't express to anyone fully. Not even just how he was mean...but how I feel like more of a failure because I tried so hard. And that he never even registered who I really am on his radar. How small it makes me feel.
And yet....much like those plants I saw coming up under the dried stalks today....I sense something BIGGER. That YOU LOVE ME.....and actually totally know me....and still have a plan for me.
How I want to write. Give me something to write about. How I want to shine...not to gain attention...but to remember how You made me to be me. I need to let go of these times and move to new times. Though it's like having a limb removed. Better to have the "limb" removed than to lose my whole life. My whole purpose.
And I worry still. What if he changes? Do I have to go back? Do I have to become her again? I don't think I can. I just want to be. I have no interest in dating. No interest in trying this again. I really gave it all I had. I gave it all to You from day one. And what I learned? One does not make a marriage work. No matter what. Ever. Even if she wants to please You. No, You made it to take two. And You are not surprised that it's broken...You were there the day that marriage GOT broken. The day that man and woman first divided.
I'm sorry God. I feel so ashamed. Though I know You love me. I really wanted to please You. I desperately wanted to grow in wisdom and grace and truth. I wanted to learn and teach. I wanted to be the kind of woman that would lead the younger women. I am sorry for where this has gone. And yet....what I finally is realize....is that You are too. That You ache for me. That You see me. That You hear the cries in my heart. That You remain with me in the long nights. That You want to walk with me and show me what I should have been able to expect in a husband.
THANK YOU. And keep reminding me. Because I am extremely frail. My heart feels like it might break into a million pieces. But YOU hold all things together. Including me. And YOU? You I trust. Implicitly. You have never let me down. Thank you.
love, grace.
Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do you know the hurt in my soul? When I wake up in the night and feel all alone, is that You that sits with me? That seems to be so present? How is it that though I have such small faith that you remain so BIG? So....TRUE? How is it that though I don't know how to believe enough or hope enough that You still believe in me.....ME??? Really? You who knows me best believes in who I am supposed to be most.
I have spent so much of life being silent about what means the most. And holding back the very tide of what was happening. I have given every ounce of my desire and hope to make this marriage work by trying to love You well. By asking to love him well. By desiring to learn to serve more.
But somewhere.....I forgot. I failed to cherish the fact. To revel each day in the knowledge that You love me. That I am beloved. I have spent so much time trying to be what I needed to be to make a marriage work, that my LIFE failed to work. Because my life only works when I let You simply love me. When I rest in that. And let the rest fall into place. You provide for me. Protect me. Comfort me. Sing over me. You must laugh sometimes at how hard I've tried to become anything...everything...to make this marriage be something that would make You proud.
But now.....in this releasing it all to You. I rest. Oh, I am still troubled. It's not over. But in this moment of great "failure", I sense You. Your presence. Your holding. Your shelter. I sense that You are proud of me. And that feels....odd. It has been so very long that I've felt like just being me is enough. That I really didn't care if it impressed others. I want to bathe in Your being proud of me. Not because I got it right....but because YOU got it right when You made me. For whatever it is that You made me for. Maybe just to show that in great weakness, great pain...You are enough. I am Wonder Woman in You. Not because I get it right. Not because I do it right. But because You make up for every deficit in me.
Oh, how I love You. Not in an "I better get to this so that He'll notice me or be pleased with me or see that I am pleasing way." No, in a very simple way. Just absolutely knowing to my very core that You hold it all together. And that even when things fall apart......You don't hate me. Even if everyone looks and says that I am so wrong. And even if I AM so wrong. You care about my heart. And soul. And emotions. And mind. Every facet of me. None beyond Your notice...nor Your care.
It's not easy to live there. The worries of every moment. The immense hurts of knowing that I wasn't enough to keep the man I loved happy. That hurts me. Deeply. In ways that I just can't express to anyone fully. Not even just how he was mean...but how I feel like more of a failure because I tried so hard. And that he never even registered who I really am on his radar. How small it makes me feel.
And yet....much like those plants I saw coming up under the dried stalks today....I sense something BIGGER. That YOU LOVE ME.....and actually totally know me....and still have a plan for me.
How I want to write. Give me something to write about. How I want to shine...not to gain attention...but to remember how You made me to be me. I need to let go of these times and move to new times. Though it's like having a limb removed. Better to have the "limb" removed than to lose my whole life. My whole purpose.
And I worry still. What if he changes? Do I have to go back? Do I have to become her again? I don't think I can. I just want to be. I have no interest in dating. No interest in trying this again. I really gave it all I had. I gave it all to You from day one. And what I learned? One does not make a marriage work. No matter what. Ever. Even if she wants to please You. No, You made it to take two. And You are not surprised that it's broken...You were there the day that marriage GOT broken. The day that man and woman first divided.
I'm sorry God. I feel so ashamed. Though I know You love me. I really wanted to please You. I desperately wanted to grow in wisdom and grace and truth. I wanted to learn and teach. I wanted to be the kind of woman that would lead the younger women. I am sorry for where this has gone. And yet....what I finally is realize....is that You are too. That You ache for me. That You see me. That You hear the cries in my heart. That You remain with me in the long nights. That You want to walk with me and show me what I should have been able to expect in a husband.
THANK YOU. And keep reminding me. Because I am extremely frail. My heart feels like it might break into a million pieces. But YOU hold all things together. Including me. And YOU? You I trust. Implicitly. You have never let me down. Thank you.
love, grace.
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