The Thing I Forget

I forget that I've spent way too long learning to think that I'm wrong.  That I'm not doing it right.  That somehow I'm not good enough.  It is surprising to me how ingrained it is. I forget in this moment how many things combined to change me.  Yesterday I remembered as I had pain from where he had hurt me.  It happens sometimes when I do manual labor.  And it brings back the memories of the things that happened.  Mostly, what I know about me is that I move on.  I try to let it go.  But there needs to be some remembering.  Because it's important for me to be strong right now.  To keep moving forward.  Though I want to focus on good things, I need to allow myself to remember why I am where I am.  It wasn't easy to be pushed this far.  But when he gets really charming and helpful and apologetic....it's.........hard.
I will be wise.  I will be kind to me.  I will protect myself...not from the whole world, but from this situation.  And also, I will go out and embrace joy and living.  BOTH things.  I don't have to pretend that it didn't happen.  I don't have to allow it.  But....I don't have to grovel in it either.  I have wasted enough time in my life being paralyzed by this.  Not now.  I will have to take it slow.  There is pain and heartache.  But....in truth, I have such a sense of hope in this newer reality.
grace.