armadillo

possum playing dead

I'm not sure which one I feel like more in my life right now.  They both came to mind today.  I feel like I'm playing dead when my husband is around...hiding, avoiding, trying to be left alone.  Yet, I also feel like even when he isn't around that I am like an armadillo as far as things concern my relationship with him.  Trying to protect any soft spots.  Not willing to be vulnerable.
Neither suits who I am.  I would rather be....I've had to stop and think about it.  Maybe a whale.  hahahhaha. They breathe!!  And, they live with their families.  The seem so peaceful and nearly regal in their great big bodies.  And maybe misunderstood?  I don't know why whale.  But that was what I thought of today.  Usually it's something else.  Anything else, right?  But for today, I want to imagine being a whale.  Or, maybe it's another animal that I FEEL like?  Holding breath for a long time.  Enjoying the quiet and the deep.  Enjoying my "pod" of family.  Traveling far.  Hmmmm.  Weird.

there we are...me, kids and friends.  

The emailing has begun.  I opened the door.  My deal.  I need to have him served.  It's gotta be done.  He's gonna freak.  He is freaking.  He still expects me to carry all of that.  It's so hard having him here.  Having him around.  And now...just when I thought that maybe he was actually hearing me, I got the "ominous" email that tomorrow night he's going to take the time to write and tell me what he has been thinking about and is asking me to "seriously consider it" or similar words.  I wish he would just go ahead and write it instead of doing that.  It drives me crazy.
And then, he says he wants to honor my need to be apart.....and in the same day, asks me to save him a seat at the kids' band concert.  Honestly, if he was out of the house, it might not feel so stressful.  But this way?  It's horrifically stressful.  And that feels stupid.  But just because it's stupid doesn't mean that it's not how I feel.  He makes me feel....inadequate.  Like he is doing all he can.  Like he's losing his family because of me.
Says he can't afford an apartment.  Might find a room to rent.  He KNOWS how to gather up my guilt.  How to get me to make it all better.  And frankly, it's killing me.  He knows my tender places.  That's why I feel like I HAVE to be an armadillo right now.  To choose it in regard to him.  And that makes me ill.
Because I like loving.  And giving.  And forgiving.  I like moving on.  But I can't move on with things like this.  I have to get APART.
And he uses that to make me feel badly too.  Because he's willing to just work everything out.  Every email talks about wanting to be together.  He won't let me heal.  Though I keep saying.  And it's sad that I filed for separation, but now I see how I needed to.  How he won't just let me have what I ask for.  It's so hard.
This was a hard day. Some are that way.
grace.