Tonight I sat through a band concert. Before that I got cards for my birthday son....it's on Friday and he's over a thousand miles away. Got my three other kids to each sign a card and write a short letter. Address it. Then I went out and mailed it. All of those things kept going on. I talked. I interacted.
But tonight when I was at that band concert and my husband was on his way and I have the words of his emails rolling around in my head.....I wasn't sure that I was going to make it. I wasn't sure that I could come home. And I hate how he won't hear me. Won't acknowledge the need. Won't just DO something about it. Everything is always a trauma/drama. Nothing is easy. Ever. He has never ever said, "don't worry, I've got this. No problem." Nope. Doesn't happen.
I have now taken sleep medicine in hopes that I will totally crash until morning. I need a few hours to not deal with this.
But what I wonder most is, "why do I allow it?" "How come I don't simply tell him to f off?" I don't know. It's just hard for me to quit trying to make it better for him. But I CAN'T. God Himself knows that I have truly and wholeheartedly tried. And...five years ago, I was probably where he is now.....still hopeful. Thinking that we could work through it to the other side. Now, the very thought, the words....make me shake. I need out. Not want...need. And what I need to learn to do is to want what I need. Me. Not just him. That's tough. Really tough.
And I feel like the kid waiting for dad to come home, "just wait til your father comes home...", with his email about going to write....but not til tomorrow. He keeps on doing this to me. It robs my peace. I wrote an email that I kept as a draft. It's not too nice. But not horrible. I just couldn't send it.
I feel owned. Not beloved. And I am hurting. And sad. And.......scared.
Wish he wasn't staying here. And if he had any compassion for me. If he could see me at all, what I'm realizing is....he wouldn't be. He would make it happen.
I think that I can sell some things to get him the money he needs to move out. I will offer to pay the house taxes. He says he can't afford an apt. Just a room. That will make it awkward with the kids.
Says he's talking to men from church. That he doesn't want non-christians deciding for us. I'm worn out. Like a labor that goes too long with too little progress.
WHY WON'T HE HEAR ME???
I need to turn out the lights.....he'll be back soon from running an errand. Shit shit shit shit shit. And yesterday I actually bought his little note about DOING something.
grace.
But tonight when I was at that band concert and my husband was on his way and I have the words of his emails rolling around in my head.....I wasn't sure that I was going to make it. I wasn't sure that I could come home. And I hate how he won't hear me. Won't acknowledge the need. Won't just DO something about it. Everything is always a trauma/drama. Nothing is easy. Ever. He has never ever said, "don't worry, I've got this. No problem." Nope. Doesn't happen.
I have now taken sleep medicine in hopes that I will totally crash until morning. I need a few hours to not deal with this.
But what I wonder most is, "why do I allow it?" "How come I don't simply tell him to f off?" I don't know. It's just hard for me to quit trying to make it better for him. But I CAN'T. God Himself knows that I have truly and wholeheartedly tried. And...five years ago, I was probably where he is now.....still hopeful. Thinking that we could work through it to the other side. Now, the very thought, the words....make me shake. I need out. Not want...need. And what I need to learn to do is to want what I need. Me. Not just him. That's tough. Really tough.
And I feel like the kid waiting for dad to come home, "just wait til your father comes home...", with his email about going to write....but not til tomorrow. He keeps on doing this to me. It robs my peace. I wrote an email that I kept as a draft. It's not too nice. But not horrible. I just couldn't send it.
I feel owned. Not beloved. And I am hurting. And sad. And.......scared.
Wish he wasn't staying here. And if he had any compassion for me. If he could see me at all, what I'm realizing is....he wouldn't be. He would make it happen.
I think that I can sell some things to get him the money he needs to move out. I will offer to pay the house taxes. He says he can't afford an apt. Just a room. That will make it awkward with the kids.
Says he's talking to men from church. That he doesn't want non-christians deciding for us. I'm worn out. Like a labor that goes too long with too little progress.
WHY WON'T HE HEAR ME???
I need to turn out the lights.....he'll be back soon from running an errand. Shit shit shit shit shit. And yesterday I actually bought his little note about DOING something.
grace.
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