Hurting

You know, I am becoming more withdrawn in every aspect of my life except for possibly my children.  For them, I dig as deeply as possible.  I push myself.  I hold onto them.  I give them as much of my heart, emotion and real hugs that I can.  We all four practice saying I love you before they get out of the car in the mornings.  It has become a little contest with them to see who initiates it first.
But when it comes right down to it, I don't have that mama, that sister, that one who is mine.  Everyone in my life I share with him equally.  You would think that would be true of the kids...yet, it's not that way at all because he has been so absent even when present in their lives.  I am not realizing that though he plays with them, it still revolves around him.  He doesn't really see them either.  How sad for him.  Because they are amazing.
But, back to the "sharing"....it's really becoming more difficult for me.  He inserts himself with anyone I am with.  He wants to remain friends with my best friend, which I get since our families have been friends for over 17 years.  Yet, it is beginning to wear on me.  How do I walk this walk with integrity?  Being who I want to be and yet keeping me safe too?  It's really hard.  I know that it's better how things are in that I should be grown up enough to handle it all.  I guess sometimes I'm just too tired to handle anymore and it feels like that's what every relationship has become about.....handling how his part will be in it.

But there are moments that I just want to hide away.  But, mostly, mostly there are those moments that I try desperately to stay away from......those gaping hole moments when again and again I wish that my life had those who really belong to me.  Those that I didn't have to be "big" about.  But this is what it is.  So, I have to walk through it.  I have to figure it out.  I have to hide away this morning after taking the kids to school and then I'm going to see if I can sell my rings. I want him out.  I'll figure out a way to get the money.  Or I'll have to get out.  Which seems weird to me since it's my house.  But I need him to be out of my day to day.  The knife is cutting too deeply.  It's threatening to sever an artery.  I need to keep myself able to function.  For me.  But also for my kids.  Able to have good conversations.  Give them hope and wisdom.  Lift them up.  Encourage them.  In short, I need to be the mom that I know that I am.  Everything else may suffer, but that is where I have to draw a line.  I HAVE to do that part.  No matter if I'm "bleeding out".......because honestly, they are too amazing to have to suffer for anything that I do.
Feels like a lead weight on my chest.  Realized last night that my favorite colors to wear have become brown, gray and black.  Hiding.  Blending in.  I used to wear crazy flowered pants.  Colorful shorts and ugly but colorful tshirts.  Oh how I need THAT woman with me.  I miss her.  She made me happy.
I gotta go.  I'm crying too hard.  And all are here.
grace to you.