Ok, when I've said all of my words. When I have tried to be heard. When I don't know how to explain it anymore and he still just keeps jumping right to...let's reconcile...I. am. in. despair. Because I guess that I always hope that eventually he will hear me. That he will be "that" guy who actually cares about ME...not simply about getting what he wants. I never wanted to be here. Ever. What a pain in the butt it is. How much energy it takes. How much mental and emotional energy it takes. But I don't want to be that other woman anymore. The one who hardly recognized who she was anymore. Who realized long ago that her value to him had little to do with her. Which is hard to explain. It had to do with her actions and willingness to bring him happiness.
But you know, how long am I supposed to go in life not being allowed to share openly how I actually feel or how it hurts when some things happen...without being subjected to hours of arguing or hearing why ending finally in him being sorry...and me being worn down one more rung. And how many times am I supposed to just try to get over it when he chooses to follow what makes his mom happy even when it's not what we agreed upon? Or hear him talk to her about me with that apologetic tone of voice....you know, the "well, you know how she is..." tone. Or even for chastising me for not answering the phone if she is calling.....which, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. She's not nice to me. I got tired of feeling obligated to take those calls. I feel like I'm not allowed to have any boundaries whatsoever. For how long do I keep up training the kids, praying with them, praying for them, talking to them, knowing them.....and pretending like he has done so too? When.....he has only recently jumped on board. You know...since this disruption in his comfort level. And is it supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy that he now wants to "make up" and "make better"....now, since he is inconvenienced, but never in all of those other years when I was crying out, asking, pleading? Does it not matter how much that devastates me?
I get that he wants to "reconcile". At one point, I thought that if he just gave me time, I could recover...but I'm being pressured. Forced. Strong armed. I am not being given time to heal. To get over what has happened for a long time. I am being given platitudes. I don't trust him anymore. I have said this. I can't imagine being just he and I. I have said this. I know that God does miracles. I have said this. But.....I also know that I must allow myself this reality. This real place that I am. As painful as it is.
He has said that I am the cause of his losing his "best friend".....someone who was awful to me. Wow. He has said that I am his wife and as such, he has certain rights.....and all that makes me think is how I don't want to be his wife.
Yet, all I can think tonight is that I just HATE fighting. I hate rehashing. All I want is some time and I'm not even allowed that. I want to take back the paperwork and hide in a hole somewhere. I want to move to China. Not really...but kinda away. I want to agree to make it the four years with the kids and then walk away and never have to deal with him again except to show up at events and be nice. That....that, I can do. But he still wants to control everything. He wants to tell me what money I need and how to spend it. He wants to tell me how I need to pursue reconciliation and going to couple counseling when I can't even face everything in counseling on my own yet. He wants to blame simply my background with no looking at the enmeshment of his family...of his total need to keep them pleased with him. And how he says he moved away, but somehow it's a creepy feeling the hold his mom has in our lives. And I can't do anything about that. I will never say "choose"...because a person should be able to have both in a healthy manner. But, there is a part of my heart that has often wished that it at least could look like that he chooses me. It doesn't. I mean, he lives here.....but, how is it that it feels like he's still trying to make his mom proud and happy? I don't get it all.
But I get that it makes me physically ill that every time he writes he includes the reconciliation addendum. That he doesn't even begin to honor my need for time. That he wonders "why this is happening to him".
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away for awhile. Actually rest. I need to get away...again. Perhaps that is what I'll have to do. Go away for some time. But my kids. I just can't yet. But he won't leave because apparently it's impossible. Maybe I just have to sell the house. How overwhelming that feels. Hugely so.
And I go to church and hear how someone spoke about God hating divorce and how that's a reason to make it work. But I don't have that kind of control. I can't MAKE it happen. I can FAKE it happen. But, the real deal? Nope. That happens with truth. And gentleness. And time. And forgiveness doesn't mean I forget. But it means I try to move on. And yes, that when the same thing happens again...and again....and again....then I get gun shy. And need time. And I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME!! It took me a very long time to get to this point. I wanted to make a great marriage. But I feel like I was working at it by myself. And now he shows this interest....and all I can think is yuck. No way. Back off. Give me time. I don't know how much. Maybe forever.
He says that no matter what, he will view me as his wife. No matter what decision I make. And that makes me feel like he is trying to control me. And the huge money talk that he emailed me makes me feel like he wants to be in control of my provision. I have tried to explain to him for years that God is that. And honestly, the whole viewing me as his wife thing, no matter what I want....feels....belittling.
His email shook me up. It makes me want to give up. It just accentuates the lifelong thing....which is that he always has to be heard. And will then cry. Will be super sorry. And I'm supposed to make it better. In some ways, at this point giving up seems easier. But if I do..........I give up on the woman that God has made. Because there's no room for her in this relationship.
Don't know what to do. But I know that I don't have to know it all. Or get it all. I can wait. I can learn. And I can trust my decisions. Even if they are wrong. Because I trust the One who knows. Who can do something. But.....I don't agree with what I hear at church. Sometimes........I think it has to be time to say good bye. Because the world is broken. And because we can't control everything.
grace to you.
But you know, how long am I supposed to go in life not being allowed to share openly how I actually feel or how it hurts when some things happen...without being subjected to hours of arguing or hearing why ending finally in him being sorry...and me being worn down one more rung. And how many times am I supposed to just try to get over it when he chooses to follow what makes his mom happy even when it's not what we agreed upon? Or hear him talk to her about me with that apologetic tone of voice....you know, the "well, you know how she is..." tone. Or even for chastising me for not answering the phone if she is calling.....which, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. She's not nice to me. I got tired of feeling obligated to take those calls. I feel like I'm not allowed to have any boundaries whatsoever. For how long do I keep up training the kids, praying with them, praying for them, talking to them, knowing them.....and pretending like he has done so too? When.....he has only recently jumped on board. You know...since this disruption in his comfort level. And is it supposed to make me feel all warm and fuzzy that he now wants to "make up" and "make better"....now, since he is inconvenienced, but never in all of those other years when I was crying out, asking, pleading? Does it not matter how much that devastates me?
I get that he wants to "reconcile". At one point, I thought that if he just gave me time, I could recover...but I'm being pressured. Forced. Strong armed. I am not being given time to heal. To get over what has happened for a long time. I am being given platitudes. I don't trust him anymore. I have said this. I can't imagine being just he and I. I have said this. I know that God does miracles. I have said this. But.....I also know that I must allow myself this reality. This real place that I am. As painful as it is.
He has said that I am the cause of his losing his "best friend".....someone who was awful to me. Wow. He has said that I am his wife and as such, he has certain rights.....and all that makes me think is how I don't want to be his wife.
Yet, all I can think tonight is that I just HATE fighting. I hate rehashing. All I want is some time and I'm not even allowed that. I want to take back the paperwork and hide in a hole somewhere. I want to move to China. Not really...but kinda away. I want to agree to make it the four years with the kids and then walk away and never have to deal with him again except to show up at events and be nice. That....that, I can do. But he still wants to control everything. He wants to tell me what money I need and how to spend it. He wants to tell me how I need to pursue reconciliation and going to couple counseling when I can't even face everything in counseling on my own yet. He wants to blame simply my background with no looking at the enmeshment of his family...of his total need to keep them pleased with him. And how he says he moved away, but somehow it's a creepy feeling the hold his mom has in our lives. And I can't do anything about that. I will never say "choose"...because a person should be able to have both in a healthy manner. But, there is a part of my heart that has often wished that it at least could look like that he chooses me. It doesn't. I mean, he lives here.....but, how is it that it feels like he's still trying to make his mom proud and happy? I don't get it all.
But I get that it makes me physically ill that every time he writes he includes the reconciliation addendum. That he doesn't even begin to honor my need for time. That he wonders "why this is happening to him".
I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away for awhile. Actually rest. I need to get away...again. Perhaps that is what I'll have to do. Go away for some time. But my kids. I just can't yet. But he won't leave because apparently it's impossible. Maybe I just have to sell the house. How overwhelming that feels. Hugely so.
And I go to church and hear how someone spoke about God hating divorce and how that's a reason to make it work. But I don't have that kind of control. I can't MAKE it happen. I can FAKE it happen. But, the real deal? Nope. That happens with truth. And gentleness. And time. And forgiveness doesn't mean I forget. But it means I try to move on. And yes, that when the same thing happens again...and again....and again....then I get gun shy. And need time. And I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME!! It took me a very long time to get to this point. I wanted to make a great marriage. But I feel like I was working at it by myself. And now he shows this interest....and all I can think is yuck. No way. Back off. Give me time. I don't know how much. Maybe forever.
He says that no matter what, he will view me as his wife. No matter what decision I make. And that makes me feel like he is trying to control me. And the huge money talk that he emailed me makes me feel like he wants to be in control of my provision. I have tried to explain to him for years that God is that. And honestly, the whole viewing me as his wife thing, no matter what I want....feels....belittling.
His email shook me up. It makes me want to give up. It just accentuates the lifelong thing....which is that he always has to be heard. And will then cry. Will be super sorry. And I'm supposed to make it better. In some ways, at this point giving up seems easier. But if I do..........I give up on the woman that God has made. Because there's no room for her in this relationship.
Don't know what to do. But I know that I don't have to know it all. Or get it all. I can wait. I can learn. And I can trust my decisions. Even if they are wrong. Because I trust the One who knows. Who can do something. But.....I don't agree with what I hear at church. Sometimes........I think it has to be time to say good bye. Because the world is broken. And because we can't control everything.
grace to you.
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