Wow. I am totally shell shocked. I just can't believe that I have to keep revisiting the same things over and over again. I can't believe that he really still can't hear me. Or won't? I really don't know.I just know that I keep being the one feeling like I have to bear the burden, carry the weight and feel the guilt. And because he said "I'm sorry" I'm supposed to feel all better.
You know. I wish I did. I wish I could. I pray to change. To be better at this. To grow less selfish. Yet it is as if I'm having to grow through this time and learn how to value me again. And let him learn to stand up. And I have to let go of him and let him learn what he needs to learn. Because if I just give it all up and walk away from the paperwork and all...then.....well, then it simply means that nothing will ever get better.
He says that where I am and the kids are is where his home is. I don't feel that way about him. Where he is feels like hell to me. Like chaos and disorder and pain. Like having to hold it all together. He is not my safe place. He is not a shelter in this world. Against him I have to stand up and have to stand alone more than with others. He hurts me over and over. He won't listen to me. Not in the way that validates me. He "listens" and then moves on to ...."and now how can we get past this so that MY life is better again?" He can't understand that I have to stop here and actually heal. I have to be in this place and allow God to love me through it. I have to get myself out of this situation where he is the enemy. Because at this point, that is how it feels. He is the desert that I flee. He is the pain from which I need soothing. He is the sword piercing me. He is not my protector. Not of my body nor my heart nor my mind. And I don't trust him anymore. And how awful it feels to have to express that truth. And then have to be forced to do it over and over and over again. It's like being run over time after time. Once would have been painful enough.
Yet, being me....I empathize. I understand that he is in a process too. That he has grief. That he has confusion. It's HARD being me. Because I really see people I get those feelings down to my core. And I want to rush in and say "well, it was't really THAT bad. Don't feel bad, it's going to be ok." But...I have to NOT do that. He needs to sit with this pain. He needs to feel it. He needs to understand that he abandoned me long ago. And that I have excused and covered and helped and believed and encouraged and tried and given....until I'm all done in. Not saying that God doesn't fill me still. It's just like that particular faucet is out.
Today though...I am shell shocked. Like I'm walking in a fog. Need to sleep. Up way late. Been writing a very long email.
I want to ask him to not be home today. But I know that it will make him hurt and angry and that I can't just ask what I need without more of a battle. My head. My heart. My soul. Need rest from him. In my home. Without worry or concern. And if he were my husband......it seems that I should be able to ask that. Or anything. Therein is the core of the problem.
grace to you.
You know. I wish I did. I wish I could. I pray to change. To be better at this. To grow less selfish. Yet it is as if I'm having to grow through this time and learn how to value me again. And let him learn to stand up. And I have to let go of him and let him learn what he needs to learn. Because if I just give it all up and walk away from the paperwork and all...then.....well, then it simply means that nothing will ever get better.
He says that where I am and the kids are is where his home is. I don't feel that way about him. Where he is feels like hell to me. Like chaos and disorder and pain. Like having to hold it all together. He is not my safe place. He is not a shelter in this world. Against him I have to stand up and have to stand alone more than with others. He hurts me over and over. He won't listen to me. Not in the way that validates me. He "listens" and then moves on to ...."and now how can we get past this so that MY life is better again?" He can't understand that I have to stop here and actually heal. I have to be in this place and allow God to love me through it. I have to get myself out of this situation where he is the enemy. Because at this point, that is how it feels. He is the desert that I flee. He is the pain from which I need soothing. He is the sword piercing me. He is not my protector. Not of my body nor my heart nor my mind. And I don't trust him anymore. And how awful it feels to have to express that truth. And then have to be forced to do it over and over and over again. It's like being run over time after time. Once would have been painful enough.
Yet, being me....I empathize. I understand that he is in a process too. That he has grief. That he has confusion. It's HARD being me. Because I really see people I get those feelings down to my core. And I want to rush in and say "well, it was't really THAT bad. Don't feel bad, it's going to be ok." But...I have to NOT do that. He needs to sit with this pain. He needs to feel it. He needs to understand that he abandoned me long ago. And that I have excused and covered and helped and believed and encouraged and tried and given....until I'm all done in. Not saying that God doesn't fill me still. It's just like that particular faucet is out.
Today though...I am shell shocked. Like I'm walking in a fog. Need to sleep. Up way late. Been writing a very long email.
I want to ask him to not be home today. But I know that it will make him hurt and angry and that I can't just ask what I need without more of a battle. My head. My heart. My soul. Need rest from him. In my home. Without worry or concern. And if he were my husband......it seems that I should be able to ask that. Or anything. Therein is the core of the problem.
grace to you.
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