I care. For all that he has done or thought or said. I care that he is hurting. Not like I used to...not that I would change this moment. But, I care that his heart is hurting. Because what I've learned is that maybe he just did the best he could. And it is sad to be at this place. Because it's the end of one part of a story.
I hope that he knows that he has a lot of living left to do. And joy. I hope that he knows that his kids will thrive if he stops and actually sees them. Turns his attention outward. I hope that one day he understands that it's not out of malice that I came to this place. Nor even unforgiveness. It is a conscious decision to change life. To choose something that will have better results than what we have had so far. That there will be growth. That there will be healing. That there will be healthiness.
But it's hard still. Because I need not to be the one to cheer him on right now. I hope and pray for others to come alongside him. To help to hold him up. To play games with him. To laugh with him. To eat with him. My wish for him is to learn to live fully. To experience the relationships all around him. And to find satisfaction in them. I hope that things with our kids get better.
I never knew that I could be making this choice and not be furious. Instead, I am determined yet understanding. This is a lousy place to find yourself. But if it is where you find yourself, then it's better to go ahead and do what needs to be done than to live in fear of what might happen.
Very hard. I want to make it better. No....not like that....not halting this process....but, I am not trying to say or do those things. Write kindly but matter of factly. And let others take that role. Because I don't want to give him false hope or feel a sense that I've changed my mind. I want to be true. Even in my actions. And that is hard. Because it's easy to care. I don't hate him. I hate what there was between us. I am glad that we have had a life. And I am glad that now I will have time to heal. And discover what went wrong. What I need to do differently. And who I am supposed to be.
Here's to simply sitting in the hard times and letting them be. Without fixing or making better. Here's to mourning without acting like it doesn't matter. Here's to feeling pain and allowing it to wash around inside. It's not the easy way. But it is the right way.
blessings.
I hope that he knows that he has a lot of living left to do. And joy. I hope that he knows that his kids will thrive if he stops and actually sees them. Turns his attention outward. I hope that one day he understands that it's not out of malice that I came to this place. Nor even unforgiveness. It is a conscious decision to change life. To choose something that will have better results than what we have had so far. That there will be growth. That there will be healing. That there will be healthiness.
But it's hard still. Because I need not to be the one to cheer him on right now. I hope and pray for others to come alongside him. To help to hold him up. To play games with him. To laugh with him. To eat with him. My wish for him is to learn to live fully. To experience the relationships all around him. And to find satisfaction in them. I hope that things with our kids get better.
I never knew that I could be making this choice and not be furious. Instead, I am determined yet understanding. This is a lousy place to find yourself. But if it is where you find yourself, then it's better to go ahead and do what needs to be done than to live in fear of what might happen.
Very hard. I want to make it better. No....not like that....not halting this process....but, I am not trying to say or do those things. Write kindly but matter of factly. And let others take that role. Because I don't want to give him false hope or feel a sense that I've changed my mind. I want to be true. Even in my actions. And that is hard. Because it's easy to care. I don't hate him. I hate what there was between us. I am glad that we have had a life. And I am glad that now I will have time to heal. And discover what went wrong. What I need to do differently. And who I am supposed to be.
Here's to simply sitting in the hard times and letting them be. Without fixing or making better. Here's to mourning without acting like it doesn't matter. Here's to feeling pain and allowing it to wash around inside. It's not the easy way. But it is the right way.
blessings.
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