Solutions

My mind works to find solutions.  Not to dwell in problems.  I think that's why I write.  Because then I can vomit the problems out as often as I need and go on living.  Lately, that has not been as easy.  Life has been fairly crushing.  But my hope is rising.  I am learning to stand while leaning.  I am brave.  Courageous.  I have a creative mind that finds ways to make good out of what might not be good.  I like to see the positive.  I like knowing that God is at work and looking for His hand.
My nights are rough.  I am in hiding.  Trying to be invisible.  Avoiding.  It's not who I am.  It is who I am being in order to get through this time.  I don't want nor need any more battles.  I don't need to prove anything.  I just need to be able to move on.  To pick up the shards and pieces of fragile beauty and salvage what may be salvaged to make a new piece out of them.  And get rid of...painful though it is...those things that need to be let go of.
So, I got up today.  After a bad night.  And I am ready.  To face this hour.  And then I'll do the next.  I opened the curtains.  I remembered how many things I won't be strong enough to do physically around the house.  I solved my weekend.  I put good smelling stuff in my house.  I planned to keep myself busy.  Or not. To maybe just rest some of the day.
I have survived so much that I'm not willing to lose it here at the final countdown.  There are only a few months left until my body is free from him.  And I need to let my mind be free too.  Not just legally...emotionally and spiritually.  Those hurtful words and thoughts tend to play in my brain.  Especially when I am weary.  But....I am working on learning how to change the station.
blessings to you.  You are in my prayers.  On my heart.  Though lonely, you are not alone.  You are seen.  You are cared for.