Waiting

I'm a pretty patient person.  About some things, I guess.  I'm having a hard time this evening.  Because I am waiting for the nearly ex to come home.  And the stress rises as time goes by.  And I want to be asleep before, and I don't in another way.  I just feel like my brain is going to explode.
So, I think songs.  I've got peace like a river...really?  A river?  There seems to have been a drought.  I need the rain, Lord!  Because it is not too peaceful around here.  There's this person that steals it.
Strangely, though he has only two nights left here....he hasn't hurried home.  My daughter has turned off her light....long ago...and is using a flashlight to study.  Under her covers.  Hmmmm.
It's time.  Time to move along to the healing part.  To learning how to be whole and getting the idea that breathing isn't just for special occasions.
So, I sit here writing.  Waiting.  Trying to think about my breathing.  Trying to remember....deeply..in.......out.  But I keep forgetting.  Because I start thinking about his coming home again.  Today all I could think was that I want to change the locks still.  Of course, I don't have a key to the house...so that will be a good idea.
And today I was making plans for what to do on Saturday.  I am learning to plan so that I don't get stuck.  And I'm so happy that soon that won't be necessary.
I do resent that he has taken this week away from me.  He should have been gone.  Could easily have been gone.
He says that he has talked to five men at church.  Sometimes I wonder what he has told them.  And I wonder if they can see how hurtful his behaviors are.  I don't worry about it much.  I already sealed their opinion of me when I told one of the wives that I absolutely would not be attending an overnight with all of the couples up at a cabin.  Somehow, that was frowned upon.  Guess he never mentioned how bad his marriage was?
In.      Out.      In.      Out.      In.  
As a deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after thee......
In.     Out.     In.   Out.  
Nights are hard.  Ok, days have been hard too.  Nights are even worse.  I think that maybe being away tomorrow night would be good.  I have this horrible feeling that he's going to make Saturday really hard.  I wish desperately that he could be gracious.  He can't.  He will make it about his pain.  Already has.
Waiting.
In.    Out.     In.     Out.     In.
It's in these moments that I wish that I had a mom.  A sister.  A grandma.  A...something.  Because it's so hard to carry on my own.  To have to just pray on my own.  But I know that I can.  I've managed so far.  I will continue.  God is still faithful.  No matter how big the mountain.
I'm just so tired.  And he's making it even harder.  And by stretching it out and wearing me out more...it makes it harder for me to face my new work schedule.  I thought that I would have time to prepare.  To rest. To adjust.  But instead......I won't even have my room set up.  Unless I spend Easter doing it.  I won't even have a place to sleep.
I need to whine here.  So that I quit whining other places.
In.     Out.
waiting.  dreading.
grace.
p.s.  I wonder when I will quit checking that my purse is by the door.  My keys ready and my phone on me.  I wonder when I will be able to sleep in pajamas and not clothes.  Not worry about where my shoes are.  I am pretty traumatized....I wonder when I'll just breathe.