Change

The only thing in life that I can change is me.  And that requires great care.  I should change those things that are unkind and unloving.  Not that are strong or simply different.  It's easy to get caught up in trying to change the things that make life better or easier for others.  But, sometimes that entails giving up or changing the foundations of who I am.....and then, I fall apart.  Can't pull out the foundation.  Can change how I behave.  Can't change how I was made or who I was made to be. 
It has been a good night to be away.  Mourning a little bit that there's not more time, and yet, seeing my daughter is one of the high points of any day of my life.  So, I want to be there with her.  Having her gone last night made being gone ok.
The stability of our family and home were shaken by the recent exit of two fine young men...my older sons.  They each had a place in the foundation of our home and life and having them gone has made each other thing that much bigger.  I'm so glad for them that sometimes I forget how much I hurt over it.  I am proud and happy and they are too.  But, also suffering and hurting.  A sense of loss.  And that's ok.  Letting go is painful but a gift of growing.  And I just need to cut myself some slack for being such a mess lately.
The clarity that came to me as I prayed and was quiet and showered as long as I wanted and hogged a huge bed.......was that my husband is incapable of caring for me.  We have been through such hard times and he has never held onto me...he also wants me to hold onto him.  To comfort him.  To make all right in the world.  And while I have been willing to do that for so long, I can't.  His need isn't love.  It's simply need.  And maybe fear.  And my love for him does not mean that I have to give up everything I am and everything I need in order to keep it together.  I feel ashamed that I was never able to evoke in him that protective response...that sense that he could care about me as much as he cares about him.  I'm not the woman who does that for him.  I don't know if there's one that does. 
I don't know what will happen with the job on Tuesday.  But I do know that whatever happens, I don't walk alone.  And that I am able and allowed to make good decisions about things that affect me.  And I know that there is grace and forgiveness.  I needed this night to find peace and balance.  It was all off and all of my energy was focused on the wrong thing.  Peace is a good thing.  It is like it infuses the air with extra oxygen.  And His peace isn't just in this room.  It's in Him.  And He's in me.
So, I'm terrified to go back and yet brave enough too.  Seems weird.  But it's true.  Because I can change.  I can grow.  And I can say what I need.  And if he doesn't listen.....which is unlikely since I've said it all over and over again....I can still do and be what I need.  He doesn't have to approve.  Though, it would be nice if he ever had approved of me in general.  His failings don't need to dictate where I put my energy.  I want to be happy.  I choose happy.  I choose light in my eyes and a relaxed posture and face.  And I'm going to try...and try again.  I might be weary, but I am NOT weak.
grace to you.